Last House on the Left (2009)

*****
Two Stars out of Five

So it goes without saying that "Last House on the Left" is a remake of the 1972 "classic" from Wes Craven. I put quotations around the word "classic," because somewhere along the way, the movie got dubbed so for being one of the first realistic horror movies - by that I mean no zombies, monsters, or other-worldly killers here. The original has survived all these years on the reputation of being nigh-unwatchable for it's grotesque violence committed on the female characters in the film. Viewed by today's standards, the movie flat-out sucks. The acting is horrendous, even for a B-movie horror flick, the violence is nothing compared to any Japanese horror film released in the last 10 years, and the quality of the film is atrocious. I am willing to forgive such inadequacies in a movie that was made on a shoe-string budget by a crew that had yet to truly understand film. Therefore, in these days of remakes (they're already remaking "The Crow," which was made in 1993... yay Hollywood!!!), if ever a movie could do with a remake, "Last House on the Left" surely qualified.

I skipped the flick in theaters as the trailer didn't do it any favors, but as the DVD reviews started trickling in, I started to rethink my decision. I had read several reviews claiming how it was much better than the original, and how it was hard to watch due to the acts of sexual violence on the women, yet it was ultimately worth it to watch the evil fuckers responsible for said sexual violence get their just desserts. So, tonight, my girlfriend and I watched it.

The movie opens with the Collingwoods heading out to their lake house - it just so happens to be the last house on the left, in case you're wondering where the title comes from. John (Tony Goldwyn), the family's patriarch, is a doctor, and a damned good one based on the introduction we're given. His wife, Emma (Monica Potter), is... blonde. Yep, that's about as much of her character as we get to know. The family is rounded out by Mari (Sara Paxton), who is a capable swimmer. The family decides to get away from the city on vacation after dealing with the loss of their son, Ben. Don't ask me how he died, because the movie never tells. Upon getting to the lakehouse, Mari heads into town to meet up with her old friend Paige. Paige and Mari then follow some male youngster named Justin back to his motel room to score some pot (even today, horror film staples like smoking pot inevitably lead to something terrible occurring). They get high in the motel room and are having a grand old time when Justin's dad Krug (Garrett Dillahunt), uncle Francis, and Kruf's girlfriend (?) Sadie show up. Krug just escaped from police custody, and they're trying to stay incognito whilst evading the authorities. This is bad news for Mari and Paige. These three bastards are sadistic fuckers. What ensues is indeed hard to watch, and Mari barely escapes this encounter.

Krug and his gang believe that Mari is taken care of and stop at a lakehouse for the night, due to a bad storm in the area. The house they happen to stop at is the Collingswoods. John and Emma slowly realize that they're housing the sadistic sons of bitches who raped and violated their daughter and "decide" to take justice into their own hands.

The story isn't anything Shakespeare would write, and the characters are about as deep as a half-inch puddle, but this is a horror movie, so I'm more than willing to forgive such arbitrary aspects of film like plot and character development. The only thing I ask for in exchange is some good gore and a righteous come-uppance in the end. This film delivers barely that, and while it does have a few highlights, it has more than it's fair share of lowlights. The premise is ripe for drama, and any parent would do terrible things to their daughter's rapist(s). This drama, however, is gleamed over, and the movie quickly devolves into another stupid slasher-hybrid in which the bad guy proves incredibly hard to kill. Had the filmmakers taken a more cerebral approach, audiences could have been treated to the psychological ordeal parents would face in experiencing an event as traumatic as this. Instead, we're given glimpses of this, but it's thrown by the wayside for standard horror-fare. Only one of the bad guys really gets it (and that death alone almost bumps the movie up a whole star) while the others are dispatched in routine, albeit time-consuming, manners.

None of the bad guys are particularly engaging. They're sick fuckers, that's for sure, but that's really all we're given. Krug is the smartest of the bunch, but that in and of itself is a backhanded compliment - he's the smartest of a bunch of retards. Good for him. Francis is a dipshit who happily follows every order his brother gives him, even if it doesn't make much sense. Justin, even though not a villain, is a tremendously ridiculous character whom I was hoping would get axed. He watches as his father and his cohorts rape, stab, and beat two innocent girls without actively trying to stop them. Sure, he cries for them and is obviously affected by the ordeal, but he doesn't ever do anything to dissuade his dad from committing such atrocities. In the end, I felt like he was an accessory to the crimes, not truly innocent. It doesn't help that he's uncharismatic to boot, just another brooding teenager who happens to have some damn good pot. And there's a special place in hell for writers who create characters like Sadie. Holy shit, I want to rip my goddamn eyes out after having to watch this chick for any amount of time. Riki Lindhome portrays Sadie here, and I don't know if I should feel sorry for her as an actress for this. She looks like absolute shit, a hybrid between a gothic chick and a dead skinned cat. It doesn't help that she's an annoying bitch who is constantly looking for reassurance from Krug, even helping her boyfriend (again, I don't know if they're dating or not, I'm just assuming, because they sleep together) rape a teenager for reasons I can't understand. Sadie is indeed a thankless role, and a part of me does feel sorry for Lindhome for having to play such a shitty role, yet conversely, I have no sympathy for any woman who actually signs on to do this garbage.

After having to endure a horrible rape scene, I wanted to see these assholes get tortured "Hostel-style," to see them begging for their miserable lives, to see them in pain. Again, there are glimmers of hope here, but nothing solid. In the end, it's just a frustrating experience that's hard to watch. With characters as broadly written as this, the least I can expect is to see the bad guys get really burned. I find it hard to reccommend this movie to anybody other than the most die-hard gorehounds and horror fanatics. This wasn't the type of horror flick that had shades of black comedy, and it wasn't the type that made you cheer at any point (like the fun and ridiculous "Friday the 13" remake). No, it was just painful to watch. The film gets two stars out of five for above-average genre acting, and one awesome kill scene.