Ninja Assassin

*****
Four Stars Out of Five


Okay, let's get this out of the way right now: If you expect anything entitled Ninja Assassin to be high cinema, you're stupid. There, I said it. Seriously, can a movie title be any more redundant than that? My first thought when I saw the title was, "Why the hell didn't you just call it "Assassin Assassin?" However, a title such as this can work to it's advantage, as it also serves as a disclaimer: If you really want to see a movie entitled Ninja Assassin, you probably aren't interested in inconsequential shit like character development, narrative cohesion, or good acting. You're probably interested in watching a ninja, ahem, assassinate a metric fuckton of other ninja in the most violent way possible. And the movie succeeds majestically on that end.


Right now, I'm going to discuss the origins of the movie. Why? Because I want to, and I don't get paid for this, so I write about whatever I want! Enjoy!

Remember the Wachowski Brothers? They were huge for about 17 minutes in the early 2000's after releasing the ridiculously successful flick The Matrix in 1999. The two were suddenly hailed as the best Sci-Fi filmmakers in recent memory, which always grinded my gears, because nothing about that movie was unique. It was all pilfered from other media - Chinese cinema, comic books, James Cameron, you name it - and they got the credit for being unique. It really upset me, but I am not foolish enough to not enjoy the movie. It's an entertaining flick, and for good or ill, it has completely changed the way that action/sci-fi movies are made today. They followed that huge success up by completely shitting on themselves with The Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions in 2003. Any semblance of cohesion, or straight-forward narrative disappeared, and the Wachowskis - while still able to stage a great action scene - seemed to have run out of ideas. They disappeared for a while, and then produced V For Vendetta, which has since gone on to become a cult-favorte for libertarian dickweeds the world over. After that, they resurfaced as directors, again, in 2008's Speed Racer. I never saw it, and I never will. It looked stupid, and I don't care if you loved it. It disappeared from theaters in weeks, and was rushed into the home video market shortly thereafter. The Wachowskis just couldn't get their mojo back. Then, something happened. They reconnected with James McTeigue, the man who helmed V For Vendetta, and hooked up with South Korean pop-star Rain to make Ninja Assassin. It was a great career move for everyone involved.

What? You actually want to read a review of the movie? See, that's hard, even for an accomplished writer such as myself (I'm not accomplished...), because this is not about story at all. I have seen many movies in my time that have eschewed substance for style - several movies this past summer come to mind (I'm looking at you, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen) - but never has one so shamelessly showcased style in a way that completely eclipses any substance whatsoever. I get the idea that McTeigue and company got together in a room, read the script (which, to my astonishment, was co-written by J. Michael Straczynsci, the man who just delivered one of the finest "Thor" comic arcs ever), said "Fuck this," and decided to come up with as many amazing action sequences as possible, and then fit pieces of a "narrative" around them. Surprisingly, that's not a bad thing. McTeigue knows exactly who he is making this movie for, and he gives his audience everything they could possibly ask for in a movie entitled Ninja Assassin. The reason why I think I liked this movie so much - and don't get me wrong, I did enjoy Transformers 2 quite a bit - is because the filmmakers didn't even attempt to really expand on any character development, or make sure a decent story is told. Transformers 2 was well over two hours long, the story was putried, and yet Michael Bay still tried to make the audience care about it. Not so here, as McTeigue throws us right into the guts (pun gloriously intended) of the monster he's created.

But, for the sake of a review, I'll give a truncated synopsis of the "story." Apparently, there's still ninja among us, and they're young orphans picked off the streets of Japan. They're brutally trained to be living weapons, and then their services are offered for 100 pounds of gold (or it's equivalent in money). An upstart Europol agent (Naomie Harris) catches wind of this, and before she knows it, she's knee-deep in ninja conspiracy, and ninja blood. One particular ninja, Raizu (bad-ass South Korean pop-star Rain) has gone rogue and wants to kill off his clan. He hooks up with the Europol agent, and he continues on with the whole killing of his ninja clan. That's really about it. Everything else is action, action, action.

This is seriously the goriest mainstream movie I have ever seen. And I've seen Dead Alive - you know, the Peter Jackson flick where a momma's boy attacks a horde of zombies with a lawnmower - and countless other gore-filled extravaganzas. Nothing even comes close to this. Within the first five minutes of the movie, I saw a man's head cut in half, leaving what is left of his brain and skull in full view. I saw more limbs lopped off than I could count (I even tried, for a little while), and I saw roughly 500 gallons of blood sprayed throughout the movie's run time. I remember the first time I saw Kill Bill, and I was a little put off by the amount of arterial spray every time the Bride killed someone. Ninja Assassin makes Kill Bill look like a child's program. I would venture to say that every person that dies in the movie lets loose about 9 gallons of blood. It's really that bloody. Remember that awesomely awesome scene in 300 when Leonidas breaks free from the phalanx for the first time and goes apeshit on all of those Persians? Imagine a 100 minute version of that, but in the place of Leonidas is Raizu, the coolest ninja ever, and in place of the Persians, more ninja. That's what Ninja Assassin really is. And that's one hell of a compliment.

It's definitely a stylish film, and one concept I really liked was how the ninja were treated. The ninja are almost always confined to the shadows, and their presence is portrayed more as monsters than humans. It really reminded me of the movie Aliens, as the ninja attack in droves, and they usually stay just-out-of-sight. It was a cool stylistic decision that helps the movie distance itself from other standard action fare.

My only real complaint was that the film looked like it was shot specifically for the 3-D format, which, surprisingly, it wasn't. I had the impression that I was just unlucky enough to live in a small-ish town and we simply didn't have the resources to show it in 3-D, as our only 3-D theater is currently being occupied by A Christmas Carol. Turns out, after doing some research, that simply wasn't the case. It wasn't a 3-D movie at all, even though I'm fairly confident the filmmakers original plan was to release it that way, and the funding fell through. It's a shame, too, because I would have loved to see all that blood and guts in three glorious dimensions.

It was refreshing to be able to go out to the theaters at this time of years and mindlessly enjoy something instead of having to be super-involved in the goings-on on screen. This is the time of year where all the Oscar-bait appears, and I like to be able to turn my brain off for a while, instead of watching another "triumphant performance" from Morgan Freeman, Meryl Streep, or other Oscar favorites. I love intellectual, compelling cinema as much as the next guy, but sometimes I just want to see some people get completely and utterly maimed in horrific fashion. Does that make me a bad guy? Maybe, but at least Ninja Assassin isn't so far up it's own ass as to pose a pseudo-intellectual question like that. It's a cool fucking movie. Check it out!

Comic Book Movies

Well, it's been a while since I've updated this here review site. The sad truth is, I haven't seen much lately - partly because I'm poor, but mostly because there is absolute shit playing in the theaters these days. Seriously, "New Moon?" No, thank you! Furthermore, the majority of everything being released on video at this time has been, most likely, seen by the majority of the populace. Since I'm a nice guy, though, I'll do a quick rundown of some movies I've seen at home lately, followed up by a quick statement about the flick. Then, it's on to my feature of the day - the comic book movie. Remember, this is on a five-star scale. Here you go:

Star Trek - Five Stars - Great. See it now!
Bruno - Four Stars - Most offensive mainstream movie ever made. Hysterical.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Three Stars - Cheesy, campy, and a good deal of fun.
Up - Five Stars - Pixar's most mature film yet. Heartbreaking and funny.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Four Stars - More robots, more fighting, more fighting robots. Thank you.
Taking of Pelham 123 - One Star - Bad story, bad acting (from Travolta), bad pacing, horrible editing. Bad movie.
Year One - Three Stars - Ultimately forgettable, but a nice diversion. Several very funny moments.
Land of the Lost - Three Stars - Will Ferrell and Danny McBride? Sign me up. Some great one-liners from a movie that was unfairly bashed by critics.

So, there it is. Those are the movies I've seen lately. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. I hope everyone sees both "Star Trek" and "Up," as they were two of the best movies of the year, and were the highlights of the summer movie season.

Now, I know I'm a little late to the party on this - or maybe I'm simply early, as winter is fast approaching, and the next round of comic book flicks don't hit until the summer ("Iron Man 2" is leading the push). However, if you know me at all, you understand I'm quite a geek when it comes to my comic books. If you know me, you also know I'm quite a geek when it comes to my movies - hence, this website. So, I guess I become some super-geek when it comes to comic book movies, right? Imagine a giant, shaggy-haired, lazy, Captain America-t-shirt-wearing geek who is unafraid to critique the shit out of these movies, yet hypocritically attacks anyone who critiques the movies and are not aware of their humble beginnings in the funny pages. That's me, in a nutshell. So, as a man who loves both mediums, I've decided to compile a list of the ten best and five worst comic book movies made to date. There are some included that many will both agree and disagree with, while there are others that have been left off entirely, which will lead some to scratch their heads. Well, the best part about being a poor college kid trying his hand at movie reviews and whatnot is that I get to write what I want, when I want, and how I want. Of course, I don't get paid a fucking penny for it, but I get to say what I want, so you can suck it if you don't like it!

The criteria for qualifying for either list is simple: the source material must have originated in comic books. To secure a spot on the "Best" list, the movie must be faithful to the characters, have good casting, great directing, and, most importantly, treat the characters with respect and love. The movies that landed on the "Worst" list did the exact opposite of that. So, to quote a character from one of the movies on the "Best" list... And Here. We. Go!

The Best Comic Book Movies

10. Spider-Man (2002)

Sure, the movie hasn't aged very well, and it's been largely forgotten due to the financial success of Spider-Man 2 (a movie I fucking hated), and Spider-Man 3 (this isn't the last we've heard about this pile of shit). This is a good flick, though, and it's success certainly paved the way for bigger, better, and more interesting comic book characters to get a shot at the big screen. Ignore it's major cultural influence, though, and what we're left with is a solid origin story about Marvel's most popular character. Everyone knows the story by now: dorky Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider, his uncle gets shot and dies, and Peter learns that "with great power comes great responsibility." Beyond all that, Peter has to balance working for a crazy boss, making time for his roommate, and trying to hook up with the girl of his dreams, Mary Jane Watson. Then, just when things can't get any worse for the web-head, his best friend's dad loses his shit and becomes the Green Goblin, a psychopath with a glider and insatiable blood-lust. It's a fun movie that keeps in line with the light-hearted approach introduced in earlier comic book movies like Superman, yet carves out it's own identity by remaining true to Peter Parker's sad-sack, if-it-wasn't-for-bad-luck-he-wouldn't-have-any-at-all life. The casting was pretty good all around, too, yet the filmmakers clearly didn't take into account the possibility of (numerous) sequels. Tobey Maguire is Spider-Man, and he does a good job, as does Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane. The problem lies in the future films in the series - both actors turned in progressively worse performances in the sequels. Yet, the best casting choice was Willem Dafoe as Norman Osborn/Green Goblin. He's great in everything, and this is no exception. Sure, you can sit around and bitch about how the Green Goblin looked like a green Power Ranger, or you can make fun of the sub-par CGI effects, but you can't ignore the fact that this was one of the first real comic book blockbusters in the new millenium, and it was a hell of a lot of fun when it was released.

9. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
In 2003, Ang Lee released his vision of Marvel Comic's Green Goliath entitled HULK. Guess what? It fucking sucked. Really bad. I'll talk about that later, but it's necessary to know that before discussing anything about the far-superior 2008 "requel." Edward Norton stars (and essentially wrote the script) as Bruce Banner, the puny scientist who gets himself exposed to record amounts of Gamma radiation. The result? Any time he gets mad, he transforms into a giant green behemoth who has temper tantrums that generally end in several dead civilians and decimated cities. The movie opens with Bruce on the run from the army, who wants to capture him and turn him into a weapon. Bruce just wants a cure. That's basically it for the set-up, and director Louis Letterier perfectly blends the gentle, quieter character moments with balls-out smash-fests. Norton is perfect as Banner - a know-it-all who is stuck with this curse, and is afraid to get close to absolutely anybody. Liv Tyler is good as Betty Ross, Bruce's once-and-future lover. Tim Roth is excellent as Emil Blonsky, an aging mercenary who wants to bulk up and take down the Hulk. And William Hurt as Gen. Thunderbolt Ross is perfect, as he plays a grizzled veteran who thinks the Hulk is his property. There's not much else to say about the movie, and that there isn't is actually a great compliment for a film like this. Nobody wants to watch a movie about the Hulk and wax philosophy afterward. Nope, we just want to see Hulk fuck shit up. And shit gets all sorts of fucked up in this fun movie.

8. X-Men 2: X-Men United (2003)

When the first X-Men hit theaters in 2000, there was an immediate thirst for more comic book movies. While that movie was good, it was little more than an overlong origin story. It did, however, set up the serious tone for all comic book movies henceforth, and introduced us to our favorite mutants all over again. In 2003, X-2 hit theaters and the series again raised the bar for comic book movies. It improved on everything in the original and introduced us to new characters which fans have been wanting to see for years. There's something about seeing Nightcrawler "BAMF!" his way through an entire Secret Service squad that makes all inner fanboys squeal in delight. The action was better and more often, the characters more fleshed out, and the story more tightly focused. A genuine threat in the form of Col. William Stryker (Brian Cox) forces mutants of all allegiances to unite. The movie intelligently borrows story beats and concepts from the 80's classic storyline, "God Loves, Man Kills," and it works wonderfully here. The filmmakers shoot a great scene in which Iceman "outs" himself to his parents, who didn't know he was a mutant. The scene offers a chance to be both funny and poignant; his family doesn't understand how he can be a mutant, and they openly wonder if it's their "fault" their son is so different. It's a great scene in an excellent adaptation. It is, currently, the best X-Men film ever made.


7. Batman Begins (2005)

Batman Begins is an interesting movie. It was not incredibly popular when it was released, yet it was successful enough to warrant a sequel which then went on to become the second-most successful movie in history. In every conceivable way, The Dark Knight outshines it's predecessor, Batman Begins. That's a shame, though, because Batman Begins is an excellent movie that focuses deeply on the character of Bruce Wayne and marks the first comic book movie to be taken seriously by the film community. Batman Begins works not only as an adaptation of a loved character, but also as a great movie in and of itself. If ever a movie franchise needed to be rebooted, it was the Batman one. What began as a dark series in 1989 slowly devolved into a campy, stupid, and embarassing parody of itself by 1998's Batman and Robin. In the years that followed, many Batman projects fell through the cracks until Christopher Nolan grabbed the reins. It was arguably the biggest and best thing to happen to the character of Batman since Frank Miller tackled the character in comics 20 years earlier - which is interesting, as Nolan borrows heavily from Miller's origin story, "Batman: Year One" here. Nolan decided to focus on realism and the character underneath the cowl: Bruce Wayne. In the earlier Bat-films, Wayne was always a caricature of a rich man and he was never really fleshed out. Finally, someone focused on why a disgustingly rich man would sneak through the shadows at night dressed as a bat and fight crime. And it works. Christian Bale is excellent as Bruce Wayne, and makes for a good Batman, even if his voice is a little difficult to take at times. We see the sacrifices Bruce must make to maintain his status as a vigilante, and it's great to see Bruce Wayne act like a bratty socialite, knowing full-well that he's simply protecting his identity as Batman. Equally good is Gary Oldman as James Gordon, Batman's unofficial partner who is one of the few clean cops in Gotham City. Their's is a relationship that has evolved over the decades in the comics, and it's nice to see Gordon finally get the respect on celluloid he deserves.


6. Iron Man (2008)
Iron Man is a strange flick. It's a movie I never really expected to see hit theaters, simply because the character of Tony Stark was never really all that popular to begin with. Up until about five years ago, everybody who reads comics knew who he was, but he was never a top-tier name like Spider-Man, Wolverine, Thor, or Captain America. Heck, you could even argue that he wasn't even as popular as Daredevil or Punisher. Then, something strange happened. A world-wide civil war broke out between the heroes in the Marvel universe, with Iron Man leading one side, and Captain America leading the other. In the end, Captain America died, and Iron Man had become one of the biggest names in comics. But success on the printed page doesn't always translate to success on the silver screen, especially when the character in question has become very polarizing. Marvel was determined to make an Iron Man movie, though, and in the summer of 2008, they released it to the masses. And it was really, really good. Which is also a bit strange, when you consider that the movie is essentially two hours of watching a genius build two suits and fuck some shit up in the process. Really, the movie isn't much more complex than that, and the villain of the picture isn't exactly deep or threatening. But still, it worked. Really, really well. The main reason for the film's success is the performance of Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man. It's not often that an actor of Downey, Jr.'s caliber is cast as a super hero, yet his performance has probably changed that forever. Leading men will be dying to get a shot at super hero pics now, since Downey, Jr. is a hot commodity now, and he's become one of Hollywood's elite. Downey, Jr. brings a fluid, fun, and exciting edge to the picture that probably would not have been there without him; this is funny, because Marvel initially wanted someone like Clive Owen cast as Tony Stark. The entire picture probably would have been an immense bore if it weren't for the awesomeness of RDJ, and that's not a compliment I give out lightly. The picture also contains some of the best CGI to date, and the action scenes that are there do not disappoint. Iron Man did it's job spectacularly of creating another solid franchise for Marvel, and the anticipation of next summer's "Iron Man 2" only continues to grow.

5. Batman (1989)

If you were around for the release of 1989's Batman, you remember fully the mania it introduced into the mainstream. After seeing this movie, millions of people packed into bookstores and comic shops to buy up whatever Batman books they could find; as a matter of fact, Grant Morrison's "Batman: Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on a Serious Earth" is still the best-selling graphic novel of all-time, due to it's release around the same time as Batman. There's not much to say about the movie that hasn't been said a million times before, and the movie hasn't aged particularly well, especially when comparing it to it's modern-day counterparts. But the impact the movie had on not only comic books-to-film, but also movies in general, can't be understated. Tim Burton had the luck of directing this, and today, it looks more like a Tim Burton movie with some Batman characters than a legitimate Batman movie, yet at the time, nobody was complaining. They were just happy to see a black-suited Batman punch someone without the accompanying "WHAM!" psychedelic-colored words splash across the screen. Michael Keaton is Batman, and it was an excellent casting decision, as he brought the right look to the role. Of course, everyone remembers who the Joker was, right? Up until last year, the de facto performance of the Joker belonged to Jack Nicholson. While many today claim that Jack as the Joker was simply Jack being Jack, in 1989, his performance was revolutionary. Yes, he was chewing up scenery like nobody's business, but he was most definitely the Joker. While Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Knight has no doubt eclipsed that of Jack's, we will never forget the first big name actor to play the Clown Prince. Both films serve as different ways to portray the Joker. In one, he's a laughing madman who is threatening, but not too threatening. In the other, he's a face-painted anarchist who feels a deep connection to Batman. Both portrayals are correct, and both performances simply cement the fact that the Joker is the best, most multi-faceted villain in all of comics.


4. The Crow (1994)

Every list has a dark-horse, and this one is mine. I may be a little bit biased here, since this was my favorite movie growing up, and I had a weird obsession with both Bruce and Brandon Lee. As many of you already know, Brandon Lee died on the set of this movie. He got shot in the chest by bullets that were supposed to be blanks, and he died hours later during surgery. The film almost didn't get released, yet the powers that be fortunately decided that Brandon's last performance should see the light of day. It was a great decision. Again, this didn't seem like the type of comic book adaptation that would score box office gold, as it was based on an independent 80's comic that was heavily influenced by bands like The Cure. This is one of the rare occasions where the film is actually superior to the source material in almost every single way, as director Alex Proyas made it less melodramatic, and a lot darker. The film is about Eric Draven, a guitarist who is murdered along with his fiance the day before they are to be married (on Halloween). One year later, Eric returns from the grave to kill the men responsible for raping and murdering his fiance, then killing him. It's a rather barebones revenge plot, but Brandon Lee so fully becomes Eric Draven that it doesn't really matter. His pain and anguish over the loss of his one true love is evident in nearly every screen, and everything from the face paint and clothing, down to the way Lee carries himself, is stunning. Brandon Lee's death became instantly more depressing after watching this movie, realizing that the world had lost an extremely talented man. On another depressing note, the film spawned several progressively worse sequels until somebody finally pulled the plug on it. Last I heard, Stephen Norrington (director of Blade and League of Extraordinary Gentleman) was at the helm for a remake. I'll pass, and stick with this amazing and under-appreciated flick.


3. Watchmen (2009)
For a very long time, Watchmen had been considered "unfilmable." It had been in development for almost 20 years by the time director Zach Snyder got a hold of it. Watchmen was written as a maxi-series by Allan Moore (largely regarded as the best comic book writer of all-time), and it centered on a group of heroes during the 80's in an alternate timeline in which America won the Vietnam war, and Nixon had remained our president for over two decades. Indeed, filming the movie version would be no simple task, as many of the characters are morally ambiguous (to put it lightly), and some are downright unlikeable. In addition to the touchy characters, the story itself and the world it takes place in is incredibly bleak and violent. To make matters worse, the story is very complicated, and telling the entire story with only two hours of screen time would be nigh impossible. But guess what? Snyder and co. do a fantastic job of adapting the story to film, and in the process, they created the most faithful comic book movie yet. The majority of the film is ripped directly from the pages, and the only big change to the film is actually one that makes more sense, and allows the film to unfold more organically. The acting all around is superb; the only weak link is Malin Akerman as the Silk Spectre II, but even she is capable in her role. The highlight of the movie is definitely Jackie Earle Haley as the masked vigilante Rorschach. The film, while an ensemble in every sense of the word, is largely carried on the shoulders of Rorschach, a disillusioned, unhinged man who sees the world in absolutes. It is strange, then, that this murderer (to be fair, he's only killing bad guys, but still) is the heart of the film, and the conclusion to his story has the most impact. Almost as impressive is Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan. Dr. Manhattan is the only true "super-powered" character in the film, and one of his powers is omnipotence - this detaches him from the other humans he interacts with, and this detachment is central to telling the story. Crudup's performance has been unfairly criticized as being "detached" and "uninvolved," but frankly, those critics missed the point. He is supposed to be careless in his feelings towards the fate of humanity, and his carelessness is a major plot point. Ultimately, Watchmen is the definition of the "comic book movie," as it is a movie made strictly for fans of the comic book, and everybody else will most likely dislike it. Either way, it is a huge accomplishment in modern filmmaking, and the ending will leave you and your peers talking for days.

2. Superman (1978)

This is the one that started it all. Yes, there were animated versions and movie serials before this, but Superman marks the first real live-action comic book adaptation. And, until last year, it was still the best. The movie really hasn't aged at all, minus the so-so effects (they are still surprisingly good, considering the film's age), and the characterization of Clark Kent/Superman is among the best ever - that includes comic books, cartoons, and films. We get to see young Clark realize he's different and discover his amazing powers - which, of course, include super-strength, speed, heat vision, cold breath, and flying - in addition to learning his true heritage and resolving to be a superhero. Christopher Reeve remains the iconic Superman, not just for the generation of film-goers who first discovered the Man of Steel in 1978, but also for everyone else. Even the comic books today have adopted his likeness, which further cements his iconic status. The fact is, Reeve will always be Superman, because he so perfectly portrayed both the oafish Clark Kent, and the Boy Scout with never ending confidence Superman. Even though Brandon Routh did a commendable job in Superman Returns in 2006, he still doesn't hold a candle to Reeve. In addition to Reeve, the movie boasts a cast including Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor, and Marlon Brando as Superman's father on Krypton, Jor-El. That's a heavy cast list for any movie, nevermind a comic book flick. In the end, the movie just so perfectly captures the essence of Superman. Yes, he's not the most popular superhero, he doesn't have the awesome villains like Batman, or Spider-Man has, and he doesn't even deal with the regular problems like the other mainstream heroes. But that's what's so great about Superman - he's not like us, he's better than us, but he doesn't act like it. He sees the goodness in man, and he will do anything to protect us.


1. The Dark Knight (2008)

This one is no surprise, of course. This is a balls-out epic that completely redefines what comic book movies are capable of. Director Christopher Nolan used the superhero template to tell an involving story about crime, escalation, and vigilantism. There are parallels to be drawn towards the war in Iraq - if you want to draw them - yet it can be enjoyed entirely on nothing more than the surface level. The film raises several questions throughout, and it offers some great portrayals of individuals suffering from several psychological issues - some more obvious than others. However, if all you want is a rollicking good time that offers neat gadgets and cool explosions, then this movie has that, too. The hardest thing for comic book movies to do is to ensure that the characters translate successfully to the big screen. No comic book movie in history has done such a great job of ensuring that than The Dark Knight. The plot isn't directly lifted from a specific storyline like Watchmen, but it does borrow heavily from some of the better Batman stories ever told, such as "The Long Halloween," "Dark Victory," and "The Killing Joke." Even better, Nolan gave movie-goers a glimpse at the Joker that comic fans have wanted for decades. The biggest reason for the Joker's success in this movie must be attributed to Oscar winner Heath Ledger. Ledger completely transforms into the Joker; everything from his voice to his simple mannerisms are so different that it is hard to identify the man behind the paint. There are several scenes in the film that will have you laughing along with the Joker and his madness, yet only moments later will he instill actual fear into you. The Joker is a man without a conscience, a man who will do anything for a "laugh," yet there's a part of him that is inexplicably drawn towards Batman. The heart of the film is about the relationship between Batman and the Joker, and what it means to Gotham City. Batman vows to clean up crime in Gotham, yet as soon as he dons his costume, "freaks" like the Joker show up and only make the situation worse. While Batman has one of the best rogue's gallery in comics, nobody even comes close to the Joker, because he is so personally drawn to Batman. They are connected in a way that Batman refuses to acknowledge, and the film plays on this story beat wonderfully. While Batman and the Joker appear together on screen sparsely, their scenes together are among the best the film has to offer. Joker is kind of like a scorned girl who is willing to do any- and everything to get the attention of her would-be suitor. And, of course, there's Two-Face, as well. The movie also does a tremendous job of showing Batman's greatest loss as a crimefighter - the loss of Harvey Dent. Two-Face has a personal relationship with Batman as well, and that, too, is played to perfection here. While the situations in this film differ dramatically from those in the comics, the characters are so faithfully recreated, it is like seeing our childhood pals come to life on screen. It really is that good.

Honorable Mentions: Unfortunately, the list had to be weeded down to only ten great flicks. However, there are other adaptations that warrant a mention. Here they are, check them out if you haven't, but remember, they're not the cream of the comic book movie crop. Sin City, X-Men, 300, V For Vendetta, Hellboy and Hellboy II: The Golden Army.


The Worst Comic Book Movies

5. Fantastic Four/Fantasic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2005 & 2007)


This series fucking sucked. The funny part? In 1994, a studio which owned the rights to Fantastic Four made a pile of shit movie with no intent to release it, they just wanted to hold onto the rights. It was an abomination that can be found using the internet if you really are a glutton for punishment, but the funny part is that it is more entertaining than these two suckfests. Are they the worst movies ever made? No, not by a long shot, but they are just so incredibly bland that they are depressing. The Fantastic Four - comprised of Mr. Fantastic, the Invisible Woman, the Human Torch, and The thing - are known as Marvel's First Family, and they certainly deserve much better than these two embarassments. It's one thing to make Johnny Storm (Human Torch) into an annoying little frat guy, but it's another thing entirely to turn Dr. Doom into nothing more than a vain egomaniac who gets pissy when his face ain't pretty anymore. Seriously, the movie's rationable for Dr. Doom going bad is... he's not handsome. It's that fucking pathetic. In addition to this horrible misstep, the director, Tim Story, actually succeeded - not once, but twice! - in making Jessica Alba look like shit. Ioan Gruffudd was cast as Reed Richards, and he has all the charisma of a dead deer on the highway. Actually, that's being too generous. He has less charsima than a discarded wet towel. Michael Chiklis is instantly forgettable as The Thing, as he looks more like a block of cheddar cheese than a legitimate badass. The only actor in the movies who is even interesting is Chris Evans, but he's unfortunately and inexplicably cast aside as little more than comedy relief and all-around douche baggery as the Human Torch. The sequel, which is actually a two hour preview of a Silver Surfer movie, is just more and more shitty mediocrity. It's a great thing that Marvel decided to reboot this franchise now, as opposed to waiting for several more pathetic attempts at making these unengaging individuals appear "cool" and "hip."


4. Ghost Rider (2007)

I've seen some bad movies over the last couple years, but few pop up in my mind quite like this shit-storm from 2007. Nicholas Cage stars as Johnny Blaze, a dumbshit who sold his soul to the devil to save his poppa from cancer. Turns out, the devil has a sense of humor, and removes the cancer, but then kills him in a motorcycle accident shortly thereafter. Looks like Johnny Blaze should have looked at the fine print... Anyway, Nicholas Cage is at an all-time low here (and that's saying something, because this is the same moron who has starred in high-brow efforts like National Treasure, Next, Bangkok Dangerous, and Con Air). Apparently, Cage had wanted to star in a comic book movie adaptation for years - he had his sights set on Superman for a while - and when he realized he wasn't getting any top-tier characters, he settled on Ghost Rider, regardless of whether or not the movie was going to be well-made. It wasn't. The movie is so contrived, so stupid, so embarassingly cheesy that I actually thought maybe the whole movie was one big joke. Nope, it's deadly serious. When Blaze eventually turns into the Ghost Rider, we're treated to some of the worst CGI this side of Van Helsing and I Am Legend. It really looks like the flaming skull was rendered on an Apple II. To add insult to injury, the flaming skull speaks in short,stupid sentences in a voice that resembles Mr. T if he were lobotomized. For example, when the Ghost Rider confronts a thug in the streets and the thug pleads for mercy, the Rider actually responds, "Sorry. All. Out. Of. Mercy." Not enough for ya? Okay, how about this: When fighting a demon made of sand, the Ghost Rider brilliantly yells, "Hey! Dirtbag!"Still not convinced? How about, when fighting an air-demon, he proclaims, "Time to clear the air!" I wish I were making this up, but I'm not. Listen, I'm not an unreasonable man. I can deal with some shitty plot points if the rest of the movie is entertaining and exciting, but when the movie is a complete failure on every production level, I'm not so nice. If the story is sucks, make sure the action is cool. If the action is kind of lame, make sure the characters are at least compelling - Blaze being addicted to jelly beans is not compelling. This is a sad, pathetic adaptation that actually hurts the awesomeness of the character. How hard is it to make a cool movie involving a fucking flaming skull riding a motorcycle? Based on this movie, it's harder than convincing the Pope to convert to Judaism...


3. HULK (2003)
Talk about a pile of fucking shit. If there's one thing I hate more than self-indulgent, pompous faux-intellectualism, it's self-indulgent, pompous faux-intellectualism camouflaged as a comic book movie. This is really a boring, over-long pile of shit. That's the best way to really describe it. To make matters worse, it appears as though there wasn't one person on the cast and crew who had any knowledge of the Hulk franchise. There is absolutely no respect paid to the source material; instead of sticking with the tried-and-true formula of having Bruce suffer an accident while experimenting with Gamma rays, director Ang Lee and co. decided to give Bruce a daddy-complex. His dad is a complete psychopath who experimented on himself, and in the process, he created millions of little Hulk-sperm that he then impregnated with wife with. Not only does the film drastically change the origin story to the character, it does so in such a heavy-handed, pretentious fashion that there is no joy to be had from watching the movie. What we get is not the confident, yet conflicted Bruce Banner from the comics, but rather a dweeby, pathetic little scientist who doesn't know how to handle his anger towards his father and wants nothing more than a big old hug from dear old dad. He doesn't get it. But you know what Bruce does get when he turns into the Hulk? He gets attacked by mutant poodles. Seriously. Mutant. Fucking. Poodles. Not big threatening wolves, not mutated grizzly bears, not Abomination, or any other villains from the comics. Mutant poodles! Oh, and when the Hulk fights them, he's completely naked and the entire sequence is filmed in a manner to keep his jolly green giant off-screen by "subtly" hiding it in the shadows. The scene plays more like an outtake in the Austin Powers movies than anything remotely exciting. When the movie isn't shitting on established continuity, it's visually screwing with the viewers by trying to emulate the comics by having several different panels all showing on-screen at once. What is supposed to be an interesting nod to the source material's original medium instead becomes a difficult viewing experience for the audience. What should have been an intense action movie that explores the conflict raging within Bruce Banner instead devolves into little more than a two-and-a-half hour long suckfest that is more interested in psychobabble and Freudian symbolism than in telling a remotely engaging story involving the Jade Giant.


2. Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Holy hot fuck, where do I start with this one? This movie is so craptacularly abysmal that I don't know if I'll be able to keep my criticism of all of it's many faults at a decent length. I'm one of the more vocal critics of this franchise - I'm in the minority in hating Spider-Man 2 as well - yet I really enjoyed the first movie in the trilogy. However, there are very few things about Spider-Man 3 to actually enjoy. From beginning to end, it's a horrendous movie filled with gaping plotholes, horrible special effects, wooden, several dance segments, and not one - but two! - singing performances from Kirsten Dunst. I don't know who the fuck was whispering in director Sam Raimi's ear and suggested something so moronically stupid, but if I ever find out who they are, he/she will receive one stern talking-to from your's truly. I can't figure out what the hell the filmmakers were thinking when they thought that fans would want to watch Kirsten Dunst sing instead of, oh, I don't know, maybe watch Spider-Man fight somebody? Which leads me to my next gripe: the villains (all three of them) are under-developed, boring, and just plain stupid. By introducing the villain Flint Marko - AKA Sandman - Raimi actually shits on his own established continuity from the earlier films. Now, apparently, Sandman is the one responsible for Uncle Ben's death, not some faceless thug who Peter let get away with some loot at the wrestling match. By doing this, the film establishes that the reason for Peter becoming Spider-Man is actually erroneous, which only hurts the impact of the characters. Moving on from that, Sandman isn't actually a bad guy, just a guy who is down on his luck and is stealing and hurting police officers to help his ill daughter. At the end of the movie, Spider-Man learns this and lets Sandman carry on without facing any consequences for his actions. Hmm... Doesn't sound very heroic to me. It's like me robbing a bank and shooting a police officer. When I get arrested, I simply tell the judge that school is hard to pay for, and I'm broke, and he says, "Go on, get outta here, kid!" That's not how a superhero (or any "good guy") should act. But wait, there's two more villains I didn't mention yet! There's Harry Osborn, who's now just like his dad from the first film and wants revenge on Spidey for "killing" his dad. There's a moment in the film's third act where, after refusing to help Spidey rescue Mary Jane, Harry's butler tells him that Spider-Man didn't actually kill his dad, rather Norman killed himself. REALLY?!?! So he's known about this precious little nugget of truth for a while, and he's simply waiting until to tell Harry? Why not let him know before he goes off and tries to kill Spidey? Why not let him know before Spidey explodes half of Harry's face? Really, any time before then would have worked out just fine. It's a contrived plot point in a sea of contrived plot points, which just further hurts any positives the movie could muster up. And then there's Venom, whom fans have been anxiously awaiting for since the first movie was even announced. And what do all of the patient fans get for their wait? A tacked-on smart-ass in the form of Topher Grace. Yes, that Topher Grace. You know, the one who looks like the only threat he poses is slipping a roofie in a girl's drink at a frat party, because any girl who isn't passed out could kick his ass. That Topher Grace. The filmmakers actually succeeded in finding the only man who looks like a bigger pussy than Tobey Maguire. To make matters worse, they make Venom a wise-cracking character instead of Spider-Man. Spidey is a wise-ass by his very nature, constantly poking fun at his opponents and making himself look like an ass. Not so, here, since apparently Spider-Man doesn't have a sense of humor; he's too busy brooding over his girlfriend, and all-around suckiness of his existence. You didn't think I was going to forget about Emo-Spidey, did you? For shame! I was simply whetting my apetite with the above morsels of shit before tackling the big one. That's right, Spidey goes emo! Like, full-on emo! Like, "I-wear-black-clothing-and-black-masscara-and-have-straight-locks-of-my-hair-conveniently-hang-down-over-one-of-my-eyes-emo!" And you wanna know what the best part is? We actually get to see Peter decide to change his hairstyle after a fight with Sandman! That scene is forever etched in my brain, as I was unfortunate enough to see this piece of shit in theaters during it's opening weekend. I was with two buddies, and we were in a full theater of patrons anxiously waiting for the expectations to be shat upon when Peter ever so lightly moves some of his hair strategically in front of his face. The theater was dead quiet for a split-second until one asshole viewer couldn't contain himself and exploded with laughter. The entire theater then turned and stared at him in unison. Guess who that asshole was? Yep, me. That's how bad this movie is; it's so bad that the most memorable moment of even seeing the fucking thing was being stared at by an entire auditorium of stunned people. Seriously, Sam Raimi, if you ever read this and you get your head out of your ass, give me a call and we'll make a legitimate Spider-Man movie. I can guarantee I'd make a better web-head than Tobey fucking Maguire.


1. Batman and Robin (1997)

This is it! The big, bad, worst comic book movie ever made! I debated with myself for about ten seconds between this and Spider-Man 3 for the worst one, but I decided I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't do the right thing here. Batman and Robin is not just the worst comic book movie ever made, it's actually one of the worst pieces of entertainment ever created. It's really that bad. My well-informed sources (I don't have any sources...) at the Pentagon tell me that they show this movie over and over to the prisoners as Gitmo as a form of torture. That's how fucking bad this movie is. You want an example of how bad it is? Okay: Batman has a Bat-Credit Card! No? Not bad enough yet? How about this: Batman's and Robin's suit have nipples! Still not convinced? All right, then, here you go: Arnold Schwarzzenegger plays one of the smartest, most accomplished scientists in the world! Ha! I knew that would get you! That's really true, too. Arnie plays Mr. Freeze, apparently a genius scientist who has a penchant for bad puns involving anything related to ice. Here are some of the gems that Arnie gets to spout in his Austrian accent:
- "You're not sending me to the cooler!"
-"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."
- "Tonight, hell freezes over!"
- "Everybody chill!"
- And my personal favorite: "Ice to see you!"
The entire movie seems to be based on how many shitty puns the cast can come up with and still tell a semi-coherent narrative. I guess, from that perspective, the movie's a complete success. But, from any other perspective, it's an abject failure. The sheer shittiness of the film actually set comic book adaptations back several years, and put Batman's cinematic career on life-support for over a half-decade. While the original Batman and Batman Returns weren't high cinema, and Batman Forever was simply forgettable, they all look like Citizen Kane when compared to this poop-filled disaster. All of the characterizations are horribly off, from Batman and Robin all the way down to the villain Bane. In the comics, Bane is a muscular criminal mastermind who succeeded in breaking Batman's back and spirit. In the movie, he's a retarded mongoloid with the Ultimate Warrior's discarded spandex. He is only capable of speaking in monosyllabic gurgles, and as a result, he is harder to understand than the talking dog on "Ripley's Believe It or Not!" Aside from the atrocious characterizations, director Joel Schumacher thought it would be a fantastic idea to shoot the film in almost exclusively neon colors. Because nothing screams, "BATMAN!" like bright, neon colors, right? There's a plot underneath all the bullshit, too, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Batman has trust issues with Robin (maybe because Robin is a 25 year-old douche bag...), which really hurts their partnership when Poison Ivy struts into town. Mr. Freeze wants diamonds, for some stupid reason, and he teams up with Poison Ivy for some other stupid reason. And Batgirl shows up for two minutes to beat up Poison Ivy and make some off-hand comments about feminism. That's the plot, in a nutshell, and it actually sounds more interesting than it actually is, if you can believe it. I whole-heartedly recommend that everyone sees this movie at least once in their lifetimes, as it is the absolute best example of how not to make a movie.