Ninja Assassin

*****
Four Stars Out of Five


Okay, let's get this out of the way right now: If you expect anything entitled Ninja Assassin to be high cinema, you're stupid. There, I said it. Seriously, can a movie title be any more redundant than that? My first thought when I saw the title was, "Why the hell didn't you just call it "Assassin Assassin?" However, a title such as this can work to it's advantage, as it also serves as a disclaimer: If you really want to see a movie entitled Ninja Assassin, you probably aren't interested in inconsequential shit like character development, narrative cohesion, or good acting. You're probably interested in watching a ninja, ahem, assassinate a metric fuckton of other ninja in the most violent way possible. And the movie succeeds majestically on that end.


Right now, I'm going to discuss the origins of the movie. Why? Because I want to, and I don't get paid for this, so I write about whatever I want! Enjoy!

Remember the Wachowski Brothers? They were huge for about 17 minutes in the early 2000's after releasing the ridiculously successful flick The Matrix in 1999. The two were suddenly hailed as the best Sci-Fi filmmakers in recent memory, which always grinded my gears, because nothing about that movie was unique. It was all pilfered from other media - Chinese cinema, comic books, James Cameron, you name it - and they got the credit for being unique. It really upset me, but I am not foolish enough to not enjoy the movie. It's an entertaining flick, and for good or ill, it has completely changed the way that action/sci-fi movies are made today. They followed that huge success up by completely shitting on themselves with The Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions in 2003. Any semblance of cohesion, or straight-forward narrative disappeared, and the Wachowskis - while still able to stage a great action scene - seemed to have run out of ideas. They disappeared for a while, and then produced V For Vendetta, which has since gone on to become a cult-favorte for libertarian dickweeds the world over. After that, they resurfaced as directors, again, in 2008's Speed Racer. I never saw it, and I never will. It looked stupid, and I don't care if you loved it. It disappeared from theaters in weeks, and was rushed into the home video market shortly thereafter. The Wachowskis just couldn't get their mojo back. Then, something happened. They reconnected with James McTeigue, the man who helmed V For Vendetta, and hooked up with South Korean pop-star Rain to make Ninja Assassin. It was a great career move for everyone involved.

What? You actually want to read a review of the movie? See, that's hard, even for an accomplished writer such as myself (I'm not accomplished...), because this is not about story at all. I have seen many movies in my time that have eschewed substance for style - several movies this past summer come to mind (I'm looking at you, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen) - but never has one so shamelessly showcased style in a way that completely eclipses any substance whatsoever. I get the idea that McTeigue and company got together in a room, read the script (which, to my astonishment, was co-written by J. Michael Straczynsci, the man who just delivered one of the finest "Thor" comic arcs ever), said "Fuck this," and decided to come up with as many amazing action sequences as possible, and then fit pieces of a "narrative" around them. Surprisingly, that's not a bad thing. McTeigue knows exactly who he is making this movie for, and he gives his audience everything they could possibly ask for in a movie entitled Ninja Assassin. The reason why I think I liked this movie so much - and don't get me wrong, I did enjoy Transformers 2 quite a bit - is because the filmmakers didn't even attempt to really expand on any character development, or make sure a decent story is told. Transformers 2 was well over two hours long, the story was putried, and yet Michael Bay still tried to make the audience care about it. Not so here, as McTeigue throws us right into the guts (pun gloriously intended) of the monster he's created.

But, for the sake of a review, I'll give a truncated synopsis of the "story." Apparently, there's still ninja among us, and they're young orphans picked off the streets of Japan. They're brutally trained to be living weapons, and then their services are offered for 100 pounds of gold (or it's equivalent in money). An upstart Europol agent (Naomie Harris) catches wind of this, and before she knows it, she's knee-deep in ninja conspiracy, and ninja blood. One particular ninja, Raizu (bad-ass South Korean pop-star Rain) has gone rogue and wants to kill off his clan. He hooks up with the Europol agent, and he continues on with the whole killing of his ninja clan. That's really about it. Everything else is action, action, action.

This is seriously the goriest mainstream movie I have ever seen. And I've seen Dead Alive - you know, the Peter Jackson flick where a momma's boy attacks a horde of zombies with a lawnmower - and countless other gore-filled extravaganzas. Nothing even comes close to this. Within the first five minutes of the movie, I saw a man's head cut in half, leaving what is left of his brain and skull in full view. I saw more limbs lopped off than I could count (I even tried, for a little while), and I saw roughly 500 gallons of blood sprayed throughout the movie's run time. I remember the first time I saw Kill Bill, and I was a little put off by the amount of arterial spray every time the Bride killed someone. Ninja Assassin makes Kill Bill look like a child's program. I would venture to say that every person that dies in the movie lets loose about 9 gallons of blood. It's really that bloody. Remember that awesomely awesome scene in 300 when Leonidas breaks free from the phalanx for the first time and goes apeshit on all of those Persians? Imagine a 100 minute version of that, but in the place of Leonidas is Raizu, the coolest ninja ever, and in place of the Persians, more ninja. That's what Ninja Assassin really is. And that's one hell of a compliment.

It's definitely a stylish film, and one concept I really liked was how the ninja were treated. The ninja are almost always confined to the shadows, and their presence is portrayed more as monsters than humans. It really reminded me of the movie Aliens, as the ninja attack in droves, and they usually stay just-out-of-sight. It was a cool stylistic decision that helps the movie distance itself from other standard action fare.

My only real complaint was that the film looked like it was shot specifically for the 3-D format, which, surprisingly, it wasn't. I had the impression that I was just unlucky enough to live in a small-ish town and we simply didn't have the resources to show it in 3-D, as our only 3-D theater is currently being occupied by A Christmas Carol. Turns out, after doing some research, that simply wasn't the case. It wasn't a 3-D movie at all, even though I'm fairly confident the filmmakers original plan was to release it that way, and the funding fell through. It's a shame, too, because I would have loved to see all that blood and guts in three glorious dimensions.

It was refreshing to be able to go out to the theaters at this time of years and mindlessly enjoy something instead of having to be super-involved in the goings-on on screen. This is the time of year where all the Oscar-bait appears, and I like to be able to turn my brain off for a while, instead of watching another "triumphant performance" from Morgan Freeman, Meryl Streep, or other Oscar favorites. I love intellectual, compelling cinema as much as the next guy, but sometimes I just want to see some people get completely and utterly maimed in horrific fashion. Does that make me a bad guy? Maybe, but at least Ninja Assassin isn't so far up it's own ass as to pose a pseudo-intellectual question like that. It's a cool fucking movie. Check it out!