Instead, I'm opting to choose my five favorite basketball movies ever, and one extremely honorable mention. I'll give a rundown of why I love these movies, and why they are great examples of the sports movie. They're all pretty cheesy, in the end, and are awfully formulaic. They do, however, hold a place in my heart because they are fun. So, without further ado, let's get this show on the road.
Honorable Mention: Space Jam (1996)You all remember this gem, don't you? How is it possible to not? It's a movie that features MJ, the GOAT, playing alongside the Looney Tunes in an effort to save them from a sleazy cartoon monster voiced by Danny DeVito. It was a hit when it was released - I saw it onThanksgiving in '96, and owned it on video - proving that, at the time, Jordan was a God. He was able to star in a crappy movie with cartoon characters and make it a hit. Everything about the movie is bad - R. Kelly's song "I Believe I Can Fly" and Quad City DJ's "Space Jam" from the soundtrack are wretched - except for the highlight reel from Jordan's career during the opening credits, yet the movie has a certain lovable quality that I can't ignore. Maybe it's Charles Barkley, the Round Mound of Rebound, losing his skills and promising God that, if he gets them back, he'll never date Madonna again. Maybe it's the alien who steals Barkley's game looking like a slightly fatter, more orange version of Barkley. Maybe it's the hilarity of Shawn Bradley being considered an elite player, which is unbelievable even in a world in which the Looney Tunes exist. Or, maybe it's Bill Fucking Murray showing up to save the day. I don't know, and frankly, I don't give a shit. All I know is that this movie is a testament to Jordan's unparalleled skills as a basketball player and businessman (although it is clear that he cannot act out of a paper sack), as the most marketable athlete to ever live. And, in spite of all of the film's shortcomings - of which you could fill a book with - there is a nice little message at the end that did a good job of summing up Jordan's love for the game: when you love something so much - as MJ does basketball - then you just can't keep away from it. Incidentally, that same message was conveyed years later in the homo-erotic drama Brokeback Mountain. I don't know what to make of that, but all I know is this, Space Jam: I can't quit you.
Number 5: White Men Can't Jump (1992)An oft-forgotten gem from the early 90's, White Men Can't Jump looked and acted like an 80's buddy flick. Just look at the bright, faux-neon-clad Wesley Snipes in the poster. This is, in and of itself, surprising, considering it was made around the same time Rodney King got the living shit smashed out of him by racist cops, and the flick deals with race issues in LA, albeit comically, yet it was still a hot-button issue at the time. There are some genuinely cool moments of street hoops to be found here, and nothing tops Woody Harrelson's white-as-shit jumper and being dogged by Snipes throughout the movie's run time for being like Greg Brady. In between the hoop scenes, there is really some good banter between the two leads, and the outfits... well, just look at that tank top and hat Wesley's wearing in that poster again. It's a criminally underrated flick that, I contend, gave birth to the saucy, sassy, fast-talking Latina that Rosie Perez has made a career off of, and deserves more attention than it ever receives. Woody and Wesley did a great job of learning the sport of basketball, and they look pretty damn convincing hoopin' it up on the sun-baked courts. The ending is also great; in spite of the title, Woody proves that white men can indeed jump.
Number 4: He Got Game (1998)If you know who Spike Lee is, then you know he loves basketball. Therefore, it's really no surprise that he would eventually make a basketball movie with Denzel Washington, whom he also loves. The real surprise comes from Ray Allen, the real-life Hall of Famer who portrays Jesus Shuttlesworth as a high school phenom who could make the jump to the pros if he wanted to. Underneath all of the basketball, there is a story there about redemption - Denzel plays Ray-Ray's imprisoned dad who is trying to win back his son's affection after pushing his son so hard to be great, and accidentally killing his mother - but it all takes a backseat to the top-notch basketball sequences that Denzel and Ray both shine in. Early on, there's a scene which shows Jesus shooting jumper after beautiful jumper that hit nothing but net every time. Lee's love of the game is easy to see whenever there is a game played, but he has a few missteps when trying to show the temptation young Jesus is experiencing when he visits random colleges. There are several sex scenes in the flick, and all of them fall flat. I'm no prude, but seeing Ray Allen fuck a chick on a ferris wheel is something I never thought I'd see, nor did I ever expect to see him have a threesome with two huge-breasted white women. It's moments like these that Lee's detractors get their ammunition: he focuses on race a bit too much from time to time, and while I understand the importance of it, he sometimes relays the information in a fashion that is just a bit too hamfisted for my liking. I get that race issues are important, but he doesn't have to beat us white folk over the head with a hammer so that we get it. Yet nothing detracts from the awesome sequences of ball played, and the soundtrack from Public Enemy is spot-on.
Number 3: Above the Rim (1994)It's a pretty stupid fucking movie, I know, but I just can't not love it. The opening sequence lets you know you're in for a stupid ride from the get-go: two stud basketball players on a roof-top court without a fence (!?!) seeing who can hit a higher point on the backboard. One of them inexplicably jumps too far with too much power and in the process breaks the backboard and falls off the fucking roof to his death. The survivor, Shep (played by Leon, the star of the best bobsledding movie ever made - tough title to grab, by the way - Cool Runnings) can't handle the guilt and gives up on basketball in order to be a janitor. Years pass, and the school Shep works at has a promising young baller named Kyle (Duane Martin) playing there. The problem is, Kyle is like Kobe Bryant circa 2005 - he doesn't give a shit about his teammates, and thinks that he can carry a team to victory on his own (basketball movie no-no). The lure of the hood, fame, and notoriety leads him underneath local gangster Birdie's wing (see what I did there?). Birdie (Tupac "Am I Dead or What?" Shakur) is getting together a basketball tournament and recruits Kyle to lead his team. Shep reaches out to Kyle, but is shunned. Guess what happens? Kyle learns he was wrong, and he and Shep take down Birdie's thugs in the tournament finals in amazing fashion. The film has more cliches than I can count, and the acting varies from tolerable to abysmal, but there are some good basketball scenes, and the flick doesn't try to be anything more than what it is. The ending is pretty good, too, as Kyle becomes Kobe Bryant circa 2010 - a natural, talented leader who vocally commands his team and appreciates them. My only complaint? We don't get to see Kyle's "Kobe Bryant Rapes a Chick" character arc. Oh well, I'll always hold out hope that we'll get a sequel entitled "Above the Rimjob: Kyle Rapes a Chick's Butthole."
Number 2: Hoosiers (1986)What? Hoosiers isn't number one? How can that be? The answer is simple: it's because, no matter how great this movie is, it pales in comparison to the number one movie (I'm not spoiling it yet). What we get here is rare in any sports flick: one in which the characters are believable, sympathetic, and interesting. It's the story of a disgraced coach (Gene Hackman) who gets a second chance by coaching a local team. Through standard movie-coach cliches like hard-nosed, no-nonsense coaching, yet deep-down affection for his players, he turns them into contenders for the State title! It's a great movie about teamwork and second chances, and every kid who loves basketball has no doubt seen this movie numerous times. If you haven't ever seen this movie before, what the hell are you waiting for? It's excellent in almost every way, and even though the basketball scenes lack the oomph of those from He Got Game or even White Men Can't Jump, the story elevates it above those movies.
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Number 1: Teen Wolf (1985)A lot of great and important things happened in 1985, like New Coke being released and failing miserably, Gorbachev becoming the last president of the USSR, the original Nintendo be released, "We Are the World" being recorded... Yep, all of those moments occurred in the calender year of 1985, but all of them are eclipsed by only two events from that year: the first is the birth of yours truly, and the second is the release of stone cold fucking classic Teen Wolf. You are probably thinking to yourself right now, 'Whatever, it's about a fucking teenage werewolf, what can it really be about?' My answer is simple: It's about everything. It's about love, growing up, coming to terms with who you are and embracing it, teenage popularity, puberty, basketball, realizing who your true friends are, understanding life is about more than nailing the hot blonde during play practice (to be fair, life's not about much more than that), the importance of teamwork, and, oh yeah, a teenage fucking werewolf who hood-surfs to the Beach Boys and plays varsity basketball! This movie has it all, ladies and gentlemen. And in the end, it's all about basketball.
Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) is a short little pipsqueak trying to fit in with the cool kids and play some varsity basketball. He wants to be popular, he wants to kick ass at basketball, and most importantly, he wants to be inside Pamela Wells, the school's "it-girl" and all around beeyotch. Sadly, poor Scott can't do any of those things while he's stuck being a nerdy, short fella who pals around with Stiles (the film's token "cool guy") and Boof, the oddly attractive girl who's heart belongs to Scott, although he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. Then, one night, something special happens: he transforms into a werewolf! Turns out, his family has been cursed with lycanthropy - although I don't believe that word is ever uttered in the film - and he, understandably, freaks out after learning as much. He gets over that angst rather quickly, and when he "wolfs out" at school, he's initially looked upon as a freak (no shit, he's a fucking werewolf!) but is then quickly embraced by the student body for being so bad-ass at hoops. Turns out that Scott is infinitely better at everything as a werewolf than he is as a boring, run-of-the-mill human (and when I say everything, I mean it... the tender subject of bestiality is somehow avoided in the movie, although I know for a fact some bitches were fucking wolves). He turns around the shitty basketball team and they become contenders for the state championship, and Scott's head begins to expand greatly. He starts alienating his teammates on the court, often going 1-on-5 in an attempt to win over the fans as they win their games handily. The team is on the precipice of greatness, but Scott's teammates are miserable. How can they enjoy themselves and their victory if they're not doing anything to positively affect the outcome? They are sick of playing with a teammate who cares only about personal glory, not the joy of winning (or losing) as a team. In order to truly succeed, Scott must recognize that, win or lose, the game's about more than personal accolades. It's about teamwork.
The drama of the game is on full display here, and never has there been anything that has so prophetically captured the drama of being a me-first guy on film. I hate to bring it up again, but this is classic Kobe Bryant circa 2006 again: an immensely talented player who recognizes his supporting cast is made up of shitty players (for Kobe, he had Smush Parker and Kwame Brown, Scott Howard had some fat fucker. Worse teammates? Kobe), and instead of working hard to make them better, said player goes for personal glory and tries to win it all on his own. Scott, like Kobe, eventually realizes this, and in the big game, he plays as a plain ol' human, not as a werewolf. It seems stupid to compare a teen comedy like Teen Wolf to actual NBA players, but it's alarmingly accurate as a portrayal of NBA hotshots. It happens far too often for me to believe that there are still some stupid headcases out there who don't recognize the importance of teamwork and unity. I really think that every lottery pick or franchise player who thinks he's that good that he can go it alone should have to watch this film over and over until they learn their lesson.
Yeah, Teen Wolf isn't high cinema, and it will never win any awards, but it is a great movie about not only basketball, but life as well. While it tackles the hard-hitting issue of being a ball-hog, it can also be viewed as an allegory for puberty - getting hair in weird places, all the physical changes, wanting to bang the hot girl all the time - as well. Don't ignore the movie just because it has a teenage werewolf who makes the Harlem Globetrotters look like five year-olds playing on a Nerf hoop. Don't do that. No, let it take you over, and embrace the joys of watching a werewolf do stupid shit.
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