My criteria for the list is pretty simple: Ugly jerseys are ugly. Everybody who looks at one of these jerseys knows immediately that they're ugly. Sometimes it's the color(s); sometimes it's the logo/image; sometimes it's a combo of both. There is one NBA jersey that I instantly wanted to put on the list, but I couldn't because it was just so deliciously bad. It's so bad it's good, and I have a feeling that anybody that wanted to be ironic or funny could wear this jersey, and with the right amount of confidence and alcohol could get laid with it. I can't say that for the rest of the jerseys on this list. So, we'll kick this off with the SOBIG (So Bad It's Good) Jersey.
SOBIG Jersey: Toronto Raptors Jersey circa 1995
Look at that fucking thing. It's sheer greatness by way of child-like euphoria. Let's ignore for a moment that a basketball team has never won a championship with a hideous jersey before. Let's also ignore for that same moment that a team with a fucking dinosaur on it's jerseys has never won a championship. Instead, let's focus on how the hell this abomination could ever have seen the light of day...
In 1993, an NBA expansion franchise was approved for Toronto. This signaled the arrival of the first Canadian NBA team since the Huskies played in Toronto in the late 40's. Instead of retaining the Huskies name, which makes sense because Huskies are known for living in cold climates like Canada, the owners decided instead to opt for something new and edgy. The list of over 2,000 team names was eventually whittled down to a few gems (I use that term extremely loosely): Hogs, Raptors, T-Rex (what the fuck kind of name is that anyway? "The Toronto T-Rex?!" Is that even fucking plural???), Dragons, and Scorpions - because nothing is more Canadian than the desert-dwelling scorpion, right? Due to the enormous success of 1993's Jurassic Park, the owners settled on the Raptors. I guess I kind of get it - a team is convinced that they'll get 6-14 year old boys hooked on their team because a deadly, carnivorous reptile was featured prominently in a huge summer blockbuster that everybody with a pulse adored. It's still stupid compared to the Huskies, but I kind of get it. This was the same decade that spawned the number one hit "Macarena," after all.
What I don't get is the fucking idea for the jersey. I can just imagine some coke-addled marketing exec strolls into a boardroom and in front of the trustees unveils his idea: one of the most proficient, deadly predators to ever roam the Earth dribbling a basketball. And he's wearing basketball shoes. And a white uniform with a purple "R" emblazoned on it. The raptor is slightly anthropomorphous, as his talons are replaced with hand-claws, and instead of the evil glare of a hunting raptor, there's an expression on the raptor's face that indicates he's just walked in on his father sleeping with his wife. While dribbling a basketball. Above the traumatized raptor is the team's name in a font that hasn't been used since the title card to the 80's motocross classic Rad, and the player's number is hidden away to the side. Sounds good, right? Yeah, but it's not busy enough yet. "Can we somehow make it uglier?" an overly concerned trustee asks. "Yeah, make it purple. And throw some cocaine-like pinstripes on it, but make them jagged, 'cuz that's edgy. And we'll put some spikes above the player's name on the back of the jersey," the marketing exec proclaims while rubbing his gums with more coke. That's really the only plausible explanation I can come up with.
However, there's something just so hideous about the jersey that I love it. I've always been a fan of dinosaurs doing things I love, and this does have that, after all. It's just an idea that is so ridiculous that even in the 80's I think it would have been scoffed at. It's so bad it is actually cool. I don't have this jersey, but I really think if I did, I would have an easier time of getting laid on the weekends. This jersey has the potential to be like a Michael Jackson "Thriller" jacket - if it is worn confidently, it will attract people, and great conversations can ensue, and then great sex. Because that's how it works, right? Right?
Number Five: Mid-90's Atlanta Hawks
This isn't an entirely atrocious jersey, but it is nasty enough to warrant a spot on the list. There was a time during the 90's where it seemed like every franchise with an animal name needed to include that animal on their jersey for some reason - and that animal had to have a basketball in or around it's hands/claws. This is an example of just overdoing it. This is a fucking basketball jersey, not a goddamn prom dress - it doesn't need to be extremely complicated and full. The Hawk is band enough - it's a stupid image to begin with, just staring straight forward with it's beak slightly agape - but what really clinches it a spot on the list is the color scheme. It starts off red and ends black. I just don't get it. Were the Hawks really so bad that they figured they had to fuck with the opposing team's perception of vision in order to win? I don't know. But if that was their goal, then they did a great job.
Number Four: Late-90's Cleveland Cavaliers
It's no surprise that I'm a Cavs fan, but my fandom doesn't preclude me from recognizing a pile of shit when it's in front of me. The slanted "Cleveland" on the front of the jersey is bad enough - really, what's the point of slanting a word on a jersey, anyway? - but the real big issue comes with the lettering and numbering itself. The white letters aren't too bad - they're not in an atrocious font like the Raptors jerseys or anything like that - and they're big enough to be read clearly. Nope, the big issue comes with the orange lines inside the lettering and numbering. What the fuck is that about anyway? It looks like a six year old kid took an orange Crayola marker to the jerseys and started tracing all the letters and numbers from the inside. Then, of course, there's the blue stripe across the front and back of the jersey that looks like a Smurf wiped his ass with it. That's how bad the Cavs were in the late-90's: A smurf used their ugly-as-hell jerseys as toilet paper.
Number Three: Mid-to-Late-90's Detroit Pistons
This one is just frustrating for one major reason: there was nothing wrong with their jerseys in the first place! The franchise decided that the traditional red and blue jerseys were too awesome and thought they needed to ugly things up a bit after they got a superstar-in-the-making with Grant Hill. I don't know what it is with basketball teams and the color teal, but between the Vancouver Grizzlies, the Pistons, and now the Oklahoma City Thunder, you'd think that the color had some sort of hypnotic trance over opponents. I don't get how franchises could think that teal would be a good color for their teams. I just don't. It's an ugly color that doesn't impose any type of fear in anyone, aside from homophobic southern Baptists, and no self-respecting fan would be caught dead wearing one. This was also the era where a team had to put some sort of stupid logo on the front of the jersey, and so it was only logical to put a flaming bishop from chess on it. Because there's nothing gay about a flaming-anything surrounded by the color teal, right? I kind of get the bishop, as it's supposed to be a horse, and the whole horsepower thing attached to pistons, but it doesn't make it any less stupid. Poor Grant Hill couldn't escape his bad luck; first he had to wear this atrocity, then he went to Orlando and began falling apart like Humpty Dumpty.
Number Two: Late-90's-Early-2000's Milwaukee Bucks Alternate
I think that this jersey was only worn once or twice, because I don't even remember ever seeing it. I'm guessing that the team walked onto the opposing team's court with their heads hung low and trying to avoid any type of attention towards the creature on their chests. Once the opposing team got a glimpse of the jerseys, they started laughing and beat the Bucks by 46 points. The lettering is bad enough - white-to-purple lettering which is surprisingly hard to read - but the real clincher is that buck(?) underneath it. The coloring is just disgusting for starters, but once you look at the anatomy of the creature, it looks like they decided the buck on the team's logo just didn't look enough like the Loch Ness Monster for their liking. Maybe they were shooting for a fucking Brontosaurus? Who knows for sure? Either way, it's just gross and offensive to bucks throughout the world. The only aspect of the buck appropriately portrayed are the antlers, and even those are overlapping the letters above. It's a good thing these jerseys disappeared back into the bowels of Hell as quickly as they appeared. Had they stuck around, I probably would believe in the Earth ending in 2012.
Number One: Late-90's Utah Jazz
Because nothing exemplifies improvisational, cool-as-hell jazz like mountains, right? Everybody knows how jazz originated: A rich white dude climbed the mountains of Salt Lake City with only his trusty trumpet attached to his back. Once he reached the peak of the mountains, he started playing something so amazing on his trumpet that it turned the sky blue. That's where the jerseys come from. Either that, or jazz was developed by slaves in the 1800's alongside blues and slowly took shape over the next century and a half. But I'm pretty sure it was the first one.
The mountains are bad enough, as they look like they were designed by an 8th grade class on Microsoft Paint, but it's really the color that kills me. It's a weird mixture of gay-purple and suicide-purple; looking at the jersey makes me wonder if I'm gay and want to kill myself. I can only imagine the mental issues the players went through having to wear the fucking things. The jerseys almost explain Karl Malone's complete collapse in Game 1 of the '97 Finals - he blew two clutch free throws before MJ knocked down the game winner. I guess now I know why: right before he lined up to shoot free throw number one, he looked down at his jersey and started questioning his sexuality and lost focus on the game. Clank! There's really no coming back from that, is there? One wonders if Malone wouldn't be remembered as a choke artist quite so well if he only had a decent jersey on his back from time to time.
To make it even worse, the word "Jazz" emblazoned on the front of the jersey looks like it's speeding past the mountains due to the lines coming off the "Z" at the end. Even the fucking word was embarassed to be on the goddamn thing it was trying to run away! Growing up as a Jordan fan, I was infinitely relieved to see the Bulls would be playing the Jazz in the Finals, because I knew that there was no way in Hell that a team wearing those jerseys could ever win the championship. David Stern just simply wouldn't allow it. We'll end this little list by just taking a moment to appreciate the ugliest jersey ever. Look at this picture of Jeff Hornacek for a minute. Look at the expression on his face. It says, "Yeah, I know I look like James Woods at a San Francisco disco." Poor guy. It's one thing to lose two NBA Finals back-to-back, but it's another thing entirely to lose them wearing those things. I certainly hope the Jazz ownership shelled out the money for the therapy bills.
THE SAD THING IS THESE ARE LIKE MY FAVORITE 5 JERSEYS EVER LOL
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