Transformers: Dark of the Moon

*****
Four Stars Out of Five

Sorry I've been away for a while, ladies and germs. It's been a relatively busy summer for me, what with weddings, shitty movies, decent movies, disappointing movies, good comics, bad comics, music, and other less-important facets of life. Frankly, I've been coasting by a bit whilst I deal with the hugely personal loss of the NBA now that the Finals are over. It's been tough, thanks for asking, but I'm coping with it thanks to WWE and Netflix. 

I almost wrote reviews for both Super 8 and Green Lantern, but I found it to not be worth my time. Sadly, I didn't have much to say about Super 8, as it was a good movie, but I felt a little disappointed in it. I felt it could have been much more than it was, but I still enjoyed it. The review would have been boring to write, and even worse, boring to read. I would never put my faithful audience (of one) through that. Green Lantern, on the other hand, was just the most mundane, boring, disappointing thing I've seen in quite some time. The movie cost $300 million to make, and it didn't show. At all. It was just campy and ineffectual, which is lame, because I'm a big fan of Green Lantern, and I wanted to see the movie be a success. Oh well.


Anyway, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Well, before I really get going on this bad boy, I'm going to digress for a moment to bitch about the "fans" which will crucify this movie because it "raped their childhoods" or some stupid melodramatic shit like that. Already people are vilifying Michael Bay for making a shitty movie that looks good but has no plot at all.

Give. Me. A. Fucking. Break.


I wonder if all these fans recognize that the only reason their Transformers cartoon from the '80's exists was for the sole purpose of selling a veritable fuckload of toys.To expect high cinema from a franchise that was created to sell as many toys as possible is not only naive, it's foolish and sad.


I get that it's harder to be a geek today than ever before, because everyone that made fun of geeks for reading comic books in school are now shelling out their hard-earned cash to watch movies based on the characters they made fun of us for loving growing up. I get it. Trust me, I have a hard time believing that a bro whose wardrobe consists of Ed Hardy regalia and has never opened a comic book in his life can enjoy The Dark Knight in the same capacity as I do, but I could really give a shit less. I think that's what it's all about at the end of the day - geeks feel like they've been betrayed and that their secret club of outcasts has been invaded due to all these things that have been created for mass consumption. But get the fuck over it. Without regular people shelling out their money for these movies, they would not exist. The geek community just isn't big enough to sustain hundred-million-dollar-plus franchises; there needs to be regular Joe's in the theaters in order for these movies to even exist. Sorry, but that's how it is. Either stop watching these movies that you've already decided to hate, or learn to accept what is out there, and enjoy it for what it is. And, in the case of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, that means accepting an awesome action movie that's low on characterization and incredibly high on amazing special effects and a greatest-hits-collection of balls-out action sequences.


So, rant over. Now, for the real review, I s'pose.


Dark of the Moon opens with the Apollo 11 mission to the moon. Thank God for revisionist history! Turns out, the whole space race of the 60's was due to the discovery of something landing on the moon. Turns out, that something was a Cybertronian and a bunch of other weird shit that, frankly, makes kinda-sorta sense, but isn't all that important to the overall plot. The major plot revolves around getting a fuckload of robots in downtown Chicago for a good old fashioned donnybrook to decide that fate of the world, or some shit like that.


Meanwhile, after this opening - that is surprisingly well-handled, minus a couple of fishy CGI appearances from JFK and Nixon - we move on to see Sam (Shia LaBeouf) living with his hot British girlfriend, Carly (Rose Huntington-Whitley, a former Victoria's Secret model and future DiCaprio conquest, I'm guessing) in DC. He was dumped by Mikaela (Megan Fox, who isn't around in this flick) for reasons never truly mentioned. They survived two (count 'em, two!) alien invasions as a couple, only to have the relationship fizzle out. What a bitch! Either way, his new girlfriend is cute, and loaded, and has a sexy accent, so that's cool. He's living off of her income, as he's a recent college graduate, and has yet to find a job.


There's actually a pretty interesting subplot with Sam here, as he's struggling to be a man accepted among the people whose lives he's saved twice, and he clearly misses being important. I mean, it's gotta be hard to live a normal 9-to-5 existence after you have a giant alien robot for a first car, and shit. I get it, and LaBeouf is entertaining and endearing enough to continue to make Sam a fun character. But still, nobody is paying the entrance fee because they're dying to know what Sam is up to. Nope, they all want to see big fucking robots fucking shit up nicely.


The Autobots, meanwhile, are working in cahoots with the U.S. government, looking for any remaining Decepticons, and protecting American liberty, or something. They are attacked in Ukraine by a giant centipede-like Decepticon, and the cat gets let out of the bag, as the Autobots learn that there was a Cybertronian space craft that landed on the moon in the '60's. Optimus heads up to the moon and retrieves the robot up there, and it turns out to be Sentinel Prime, an Autobot from Cybertron who left the planet amidst their civil war to supposedly find a new planet. He's resuscitated, and a bunch of other shit happens which leads to Decepticons getting their hands on some of the shit from the moon which creates a space bridge. Ultimately, they want to use said space bridge to bring Cybertron to the Earth and start over again. The only thing standing in their way? A bunch of badass Autobots and some hardcore American soldiers, and Sam and his purty girlfriend.


Listen, the plot is less confusing than Revenge of the Fallen (I still don't really know what the fuck that movie was about... an old robot wants to do something with the Pyramids in Egypt, or something), but it's still pretty damn convoluted considering the movie is really just an excuse to watch giant alien robots duke it the fuck out for two-plus hours. There are certainly a lot of plotholes, but it's nothing that ruined my enjoyment of the movie. I just want to be entertained by these movies, not scratch my head over the great moral quandaries of our time. I am entirely okay with a shoestring plot that pushes us from one action sequence to the next, so long as the proceedings are brisk and entertaining. Thankfully, much of the stupid humor from the first two movies are gone, although there are still moments of head-scratching stupidity, but at least there are no leg-humping robots this time around, and John Turturo's character has had his insanity-dial knocked down to a healthy four, when in the last two it was up to about 19.


Sadly, the so-fucking-racist-they-might-as-well-be-wearing-blackface robots Skids and Mudflaps are nowhere to be seen this time around. That's right, I said sadly. I loved those two offensive shits! I am most assuredly not black, and I wholeheartedly understand anyone who might be offended by the two characters in Revenge of the Fallen, but I am a huge fan of awkward situations spurred on by awkward attempts at legitimate humor, so I loved the little shits. I don't believe that they were consciously being racist with the robots, but they sure as shit were, and I got a kick out of them. I will never forget watching Revenge of the Fallen in theaters, and noticing an audible gasp from half the theater when one of the two robots proclaims, "We don't read much." The disgust in the theater was absolutely palpable, and I loved it for some strange reason. Also, there are no robot scrotums this time 'round, which I'm also kind of sad about. Michael Bay, a man who cares not for the word 'restraint,' somehow exercises some in this flick, and while it does provide for an overall more coherent movie, it robs me of my precious awkward humor, and for that... I'm a little pissy about.


I know this review sounds like I'm shitting on the movie, but really, I absolutely loved it. It's just impossible to take these movies too seriously, and I'm going to enjoy the ridiculousness of it all as opposed to being stuck up my own ass. All I wanted were great action sequences, some cheap laughs, and awesome 3D presentation. I got all three. The action was great, as always, and Optimus Prime and his Autobot cohorts really kick some ass this time around. Even though the plot is kinda silly, the Decepticons are actually threatening, and they kill a lot of innocent people (in scenes slightly reminiscent of War of the Worlds). There is actually something palpable at stake here, and even if it is eye-rollingly stupid, it does give the film some sort of heft, of some type of consequence to what's going on.
 
Once the action shifts to Chicago, everything really amps up. The last hour is essentially one extended action set piece which is just beautiful to observe. It's fucking crazy. Buildings get torn apart, robots get murdered, people are dissolved, Leonard Nimoy's voice argues with Hugo Weaving's voice, Sam Witwicky practices parkour, and some soldiers glide through downtown Chicago like they're flying squirrels. The wingsuit scene is absolutely mindblowing, and is seriously worth the price of admission. Watching the sequence in 3D gave me a touch of vertigo, and I was astonished to see this in action; to know how it was filmed only makes it all the more impressive (look it up on youtube. It's insane!). I hate 3D, but I will say that if you do not see this movie in 3D, you're doing yourself a true disservice. It is at least as visually amazing as Avatar, and that is saying something.


So, there you have it. I loved the movie. It was outrageous, over-the-top, gratuitous, awesome, fun, and completely unnecessary. It is absolutely an American piece of entertainment, and you could do a helluva lot worse for entertainment over the 4th of July weekend. I could say some obligatory thing about how the real fireworks this July 4th are at Transformers: Dark of the Moon, but I will spare you from such silly cliches. 


If you liked the first two, you'll love the third one. And if you hated the first two, well, you've already made up your mind about this one, haven't you?


Me, I'm comfortable enough with my own immaturity to love watching robots battle each other senseless for a few hours.