Shit That Rocked My World in 2009!!!!!!!

It's always fun to make a cumulative "Best Of" list for any type of entertainment for an entire year. It's like having one last chance to let everyone know how stupid they are and how right and awesome you are by explaining why you like something. Is there any more sure-fire way at pointing out how insecure and pompous critics tend to be? It's like "Well, you should have listened to everything I said before, but I'm going to give you one last chance to pay attention to me," and "GODAMNIT! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" got together and fucked, and the "Best Of" lists were the offspring of two emotions/phrases boning. And guess what? It's my turn! Maybe I'm doing this because I'm insecure, and I want one last chance to convince everyone how smart I am; maybe I'm doing this because I want attention. I don't know, maybe it's a combination of those things and several other reasons. Really, who gives a shit? I'm still not getting paid for this - I'm waiting on all the offers to come in the mail - and I provide correct opinions on all sorts of shit for free! You should be thanking me, not trying to psychologically decipher why I started a silly review site, damnit! Anyway, this is my first go at a "Best Of," and I'll be covering three topics (two in depth): Movies, Comic Books, and Books. I hope it turns out well. If it doesn't and it bores you to tears, lie to me and make me think I'm awesome. My psyche is so fragile. All right, let's do it!

Top Five Movies of the Year
1. Inglourious Basterds
Really, there was no way in hell this wasn't going to be the best movie of the year. This is vintage, prototypical Tarantino right here: You watch the movie and are mightily entertained by it, but once it's over, you question to yourself, "What the hell did I just watch?" Then, a few hours pass, and you can't get the movie out of your head, and the next thing you know, you're absolutely in love with it and can't wait to watch it again (and again (and again) (and again)). Then, you watch it again and realize it's an absolute masterpiece. Well, that's how this movie worked for me. Like most Tarantino movies, the viewing experience gets richer with each new viewing of it. This movie has it all - Brad Pit's best role to date, the best performance I've seen in a long time (Christoph Waltz), Nazis getting brained with a baseball bat by the director of Hostel, Hitler and Goebbels getting machine gunned to death in a movie theater, and a "Holy shit! Why didn't I think of that?"-moment in which one character points out the similarities between slavery and King Kong. If the movie has a theme (beyond Nazis being assholes and needing to die), it is this: The power of cinema. Cinema has the ability to make even uptight individuals blood-thirsty savages waiting for the next Nazi to get brutally killed; it has the ability to make those same people hypocrites for being disgusted at watching Nazis cheering on a fellow Nazi cinematically assassinating swarms of American soldiers. Cinema is so powerful here, though, that it actually changes history; in Tarantino's world, Hitler doesn't shoot himself in a bunker, he is taken out by the Basterds. Talking about the movie really just doesn't do it justice. You really just need to see it.


2. The Informant!
Gotta love the underdog movie that nobody ever talks about, right? It's that rare indie flick with mainstream talent that actually succeeds on nearly every level. Many times, an unsuspecting audience sees a big name in an off-kilter movie and checks it out anyway, due to the big name guys. The movies generally turns out to be a giant turd way too far up it's own ass to ever entertain anyone except those fucking shitheads who wear black-rimmed glasses, tight jeans, and weird scarves and sit around drinking coffee in some shop (not Starbucks, that's too mainstream, bro) whilst discussing which shitty indie band is totally boss that week. Wow, glad I got that off my chest. This flick is one of the funniest movies of the year, anchored by a so-fucking-weird-it's-gotta-be-true story, and one of the best performances of the decade from Matt Damon. Wait, of the decade, Greg? To quote Mr. Big from "Sex and the City" (good show, men), "Absah-fuckin'-lutely. While you're watching the movie, you're marveling at Damon's ability to become a psychologically unbalanced white collar man, and then suddenly it dawns on you, "Wait a sec, this is Jason Bourne!" That's right, the same guy who plays uber-badass (I should get my ass kicked by Jason Bourne for saying 'uber-anything') Jason Effing Bourne is also this overweight, toupe wearing schmuck trying (and failing miserably) to outsmart his bosses, his wife, the FBI, and most depressingly, himself. The movie perfectly balances drama and comedy while speeding through the proceedings without losing the audience on the way. This is Soderbergh's best work since Ocean's 11, and I hope this isn't the last we see of he and Damon working with one another.

3. Avatar
I really struggled between putting this at number two, but ultimately, I couldn't put anything that predominantly falls into the "Holy hot shit, you've got to see this movie in 3-D now!" category over the exceedingly more repeat-friendly The Informant! That doesn't mean Avatar is a bad film by any stretch of the imagination - it's amazing use of the 3-D technology mixed with other-worldly CGI instantly pushed what cinema is capable of achieving to new heights - it's just more of an event that needs to be experienced than a film that needs to be watched. If that makes sense. And it does. In my head. The flick marks James Cameron's return to feature films after a 12 year hiatus, and it's a damn great return. Based on the movie's intake over the last few weeks, a sequel is almost guaranteed, and since I was born in the 80's - the age of "More! More! More!" excess - I can only say this when the eventual announcement is made: "Fuck yeah! I'll be there!" Chances are, if you're reading this, you've already seen the movie, and you agree that it was mind-blowingly cool, and if you haven't seen it yet? What the hell are you waiting for! You don't want to see this in 2-D on video. Trust me.

4. District 9
Easily one of the biggest surprises of the year. I am in constant amazement whenever I watch this movie - which is incredibly often, thanks to my Blu-ray copy (that I had to scrounge up pennies for, since nobody is paying for me to write this shit... yet). Whenever I watch this movie, I keep thinking to myself, "This shouldn't be that good." But, thank God, it is. The premise is wholly unique - an alien ship hovers over Johannesburg in South Africa, and the surviving aliens are (mostly) simple-minded drones who don't know what to make of their new home. That simple plotline sets the stage for a great story which addresses corporate immorality, prejudice, and the military complex. Not too bad for a summer blockbuster, eh? The flick is filled with no-name actors (many who had never even acted professionally, like the leading man, Sharlto Copley), and some of the most seamless CGI ever. The aliens all look very lifelike, and many of them have innocent faces which makes their experiences with humans all the more disheartening. The movie has several scenes which tug at your heart strings, and every time the film ends, I find myself nodding my head with a half-smile that indicates I've been affected in a way that films rarely achieve. Again, this shouldn't be that good. But it is. I hope you get to see it some day.


5. Up In the Air
What a surprisingly excellent film this was! It's a very "sign-of-the-times" drama that features great performances from the entire cast, and it is just as likely to make you cry than it is to laugh (and trust me, you will laugh). George Clooney - quickly becoming one of my favorite actors, especially when considering he rocked the shit out of 2007's best film, Michael Clayton - stars as Ryan Bingham. Ryan is a man who is more concerned with gaining his 10 millionth frequent flyer mile than he is his own sister's impending nuptials. He's not what any of us would call a "people person," and it shows, given that his job is to fly around the country and fire people because their bosses are too scared to deal with the fallout. He spends more than 2/3's of his year on the road, and he likes it that way; he doesn't want to slow down and deal with life's issues. It's never explained why, but Ryan doesn't want to get burned by forming any solid connection with anybody. Of course, in spite of his plan in life, he forms a solid connection with someone. And he gets burned. This is an outstanding drama that I'm afraid won't find an audience due to it's semi-black comic approach towards much of life. I'm going to go all "critic" on you here and offer a phrase that's tailor-made for the back of the DVD case: It's a poignant, funny, and heartbreaking story that you won't soon forget!


Honorable Mentions: Star Trek, Capitalism: A Love Story, Up, and Watchmen


Worst Movie of the Year: Public Enemies
Guess what? Johnny Depp is charismatic. And handsome. And, apparently, he doesn't give a fuck about acting anymore, he just wants to rely on his handsomeness and charisma, as shown in this absolute stinker from Michael Mann. I had high hopes for this movie. Really high hopes. I mean, Mann is the dude responsible for Heat and Collateral, two of the coolest damn movies ever made. Of course, he's also responsible for the suckfest known as Miami Vice, but that seemed to be more of an abbhoration when it was released. I had all the faith in the world that Mann would bounce back in a big way with Public Enemies, but instead, he decided that Johnny Depp's dreamy brown eyes and hunky cheek bones would be more than enough to carry a two-plus hour film about John Dillinger. Really, how do you fuck up John Dillinger? The guy was like a mix between Jesse James (the outlaw, not the motorcycle dude) and Keith Richards - a celebrity bad boy who the public loved, but was still pretty terrified of. Apparently, the answer to my question is simple: Shoot extreme close-ups of Johnny Depp, throw in some incomprehensible violence, and a so-forced-it's-painful romance. Oh yeah, and spend some of the movie devoted to Melvin Purvis - the man who is hunting Dillinger - but don't give him any type of personality whatsoever. There were certainly lesser movies made in 2009, but none with more potential than this, and that's why I elected it to be my worst movie of the year. I struggled for a moment between this and Terminator: Salvation, but ultimately settled on this, simply because of the talent and story involved. Terminator: Salvation was clearly a dissapointment, but when you think about it, how good could a Arnold-less Terminator flick directed by McG be? Exactly. Not that great, am I right? Either way, a big old "Congratulations, dipshit!" goes out to Christian Bale for starring in my two least-favorite movies of the year. I hope your 2010 is a buttload better than your 2009, Mr. Bale.


Top Five Comic Books Of the Year

1. Batman and Robin by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely/Phillip Tan
So, Grant Morrison has the audacity to kill of Bruce Wayne, and how does he respond to the millions of fanboys bitching about it? He goes on to write the best Batman book in years. Not enough for you? He talks his buddy, and one of the industry's brightest talents, Frank Quitely into pencilling the damn thing! Morrison didn't want to deal with the fallout and subsequent designation of a new Batman (it's Dick Grayson, the first Robin) so he left that to Tony Daniel - the excellent artist on Batman RIP to write and draw the miniseries which dealt with it all. So, after the dust settled, Morrison and Quitely began telling their beautiful masterpiece in the new Batmand and Robin series. When these two guys work together, it's simply magical. The two play off of each other incredibly, and their working relationship is probably the best in the business today. Morrison's weird, outlandish plotting is portrayed wonderfully by Quitely, and it's actually depressing that they don't constantly and exclusively work with one another. The series has, in six issues thus far, raised far more questions than it's answered (kind of like TV's LOST), yet the tale Morrison is telling clearly has an end in sight, and he constantly rewards long-time readers with nuggets of information. Yes, the series hit a bump in the road when Phillip Tan took over pencils for Quitely (there's just no way Quitely's slow-as-mollases workrate could have sustained a monthly book), but it was still the book I most looked forward to every month, and Morrison's insane stories were still amazing. I hope that the Batman franchise continues to fly as high as it does with Morrison in charge!

2. The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman and Charlie Adlard
Who would have thought that a comic book about the zombie apocalypse would have such legs as a longform story? Kirkman's zombie opus is continually one of the best books on the shelf, and he indicates the series has no end in sight. It's amazing, since we're used to seeing zombie movies that inevitably end underwhelmingly. This is the first time that I've ever seen a story told about a group of survivors after the zombie holocaust that deals with them on a personal level - we see them constantly struggle for food, dealing with themselves and others, forming relationships that otherwise would never exist, and, of course, they kill some fucking zombies. The main reason for the series' continued success? Kirkman's ability to write realistic characters who behave realistically in a completely unrealistic (at least I fucking hope it's not realistic) situation. He lets us see how many humans would inevitably behave if society crumbled around us, and he shows us just what a normal person is capable of when fighting for their continued survival. The zombies always pose a serious threat, yet the real villains are those who haven't yet become zombified. This is an excellent series that continues to thrive, and each issue leaves me with my mouth agape, anxiously waiting for the next one to land in my hands.

3. Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader? by Neil Gaiman and Andy Kubert
I almost didn't include this one for several reasons. What? You want me to list the reasons for you? Well, because I care about you, my faithful reader (and I'm still not getting paid for this), I will. As you already know by now, I rewarded a Batman book the number one spot on my list, and even though I am a huge Batman fan, I thought maybe one Batman book was more than enough for a list consisting of only five comic book titles. Also, this was only a two-issue story, and I felt that I should perhaps praise other comics that are telling longer stories. Then it dawned on me that I'm retarded. Seriously, how the hell could I not include this title on the list? Furthermore, how the hell could I only give it number three on the list? The answer to that question is a hard one to answer, simply because this is one of the few mainstream comic books that actually got to me on a very emotional level. If you were to ask me in five years what my favorite comic book stories of all-time were, there's a damn good chance that this will be in the top 2 (behind only Y: The Last Man, the only comic ever to bring me to the verge of tears). Neil Gaiman, in only two issues, mind you, was able to boil down the character of Batman to his very essence, and was able to show just why this particular super hero has endured for over 70 years. Andy Kubert does a tremendous job of "borrowing" other classic artists' renditions of the Dark Knight and those he shares his pages with - Kubert beautifully mimics the art style of Brian Bolland, Neil Adams, Bob Kane, and practically any other notable Bat-artist ever (he even portrays characters in the style of the wonderful Batman: The Animated Series). Simply put, this is a labor of love that will endure as one of the best Batman stories ever printed. No writer has ever summed up Batman so perfectly, and no other writer has ever showed why there will always be a Batman. Heavy stuff...

4. Invincible Iron Man by Matt Fraction and Salvadore LaRocca
Over the last few years, Marvel has tried (and mostly succeeded) to create a line-wide, overarching story in which all of the Marvel universe characters are involved. It's been an up-and-down road to travel, but it really paid off for Matt Fraction's extended run on Iron Man. With the Dark Reign casting a, ahem, dark cloud over the universe, no character has been as adversely affected as Tony Stark - A.K.A. "Iron Man." After the abomination known as Secret Invasion, Tony Stark lost the keys to the castle known as SHIELD, and Norman Osborn (the former Green Goblin) took his place. With Tony Stark being portrayed as an inept security expert, Norman swoops in and takes control. Tony takes a lot of information when he leaves, though. Information Norman Osborn covets. Information like the identity of every super hero who didn't unmask him/herself after the Civil War which led to Tony's rise to power. The thing is, Tony kept all that information stored on a hard drive, only that hard drive is Tony's brain (long story short, Tony's a genius and had essentially turned his entire body into an amazing computer). This leads to Tony being Norman's Most Wanted, and Tony goes on the run to wipe his brain clean, ensuring that Norman doesn't ever access the important information Tony holds. The story brilliantly displays how heroic and flawed Tony Stark is as a man - he rarely even steps foot into one of his famous suits throughout the story - and it's something that writers have been missing from him since Civil War. Fraction shows just how far Tony is willing to go to ensure the freedoms and liberties of those who hate him, and in the process, he humanizes Tony Stark. Rarely do comic characters become so multi-faceted and selfless (that's saying a lot, considering many heroes already sacrifice so much to save others regularly); Stark is actively trying to turn himself into a vegetable in order to make sure Osborn doesn't get what he wants. It's great to see a character who just enjoyed his biggest year (that movie was HUGE) get put through the ringer like this, and Fraction shows us that being a hero doesn't always end with a hot girl in bed, and an adoring public cheering you on.

5. Blackest Night by Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis
I guess I'm a sucker for longform serials that slowly build up over years of solid storytelling. The Blackest Night storyline has been steadily brewing in John's extended run on Green Lantern for a long time now, and the series finally came to fruition in the summer. I expected a huge disappointment, since the majority of event-comics I've read lately have really blown massive amounts of chunks - I'm looking at you, Secret Invasion - so I almost shat myself when I read issue numero uno and it rocked. The premise is simple, yet powerful: each color in the spectrum of light represents a human emotion - green is willpower, yellow is fear, blue is hope, red is rage, orange is avarice, indigo is compassion, and violet is love. Turns out there is another powerful emotion slowly revealing itself - death, which is personified here as the black lantern. The black lanterns unleash upon the universe, resurrecting all sorts of dead motherfuckers and, in a twist that is both funny and interesting (considering more superheroes die and return to life than you can count), death wants those superheroes who have escaped their fate. The series is not over just yet, but I find it hard to believe that there will be any type of significant letdown, especially after issue six released. This is why mainstream superhero comics are so damn good!

Worst Comic Book of the Year

Captain America Reborn by Ed Brubaker and Brian Hitch

Same deal here as with Public Enemies. There were obviously worse books released this year, but few had such promise. This is also more a referendum on Marvel's inability to tell a whole story without royally fucking it up than anything. Thanks to a bad release schedule, the readers found out how the story ended before the final book was released (it's still not done!). Furthermore, they actually released the epilogue one-shot before the finals issue, which only further hampers any effectiveness the series could have had. And, the final nail in the coffin (that's actually a funny pun, since Captain America is actually returning from the dead) is the fact that Steve Rogers - the original Captain America - returns, yet he doesn't reclaim his shield. Why did Marvel bother resurrecting such a revered character if they're going to pussify him by giving him PTSD (I'm not belittling the effects of PTSD here, but this is Captain Fucking America, the guy took down Hitler!) and making him afraid to step back into the ring. This was just a disappointing book, and Marvel is at fault here.


Best Book of the Year

The Book of Basketball by Bill Simmons

I'm a bit of a hoops freak. I have NBA League Pass Broadband, I never miss a Cavs game (well, I missed one this season, picking my friend up in Mason City), and I vehemently hate the Boston Celtics. Along with movies and comics, basketball is probably my favorite timekill. Therefore, this book was written for guys like me. The best part about the book, though, is that it will turn even the most casual of fans into a rabid freak. Simmons, who writes for ESPN, has a tremendous knack for writing in his natural voice that the book comes off like a smart guy talking for a while rather than a boring book. He offers great insights into the league, like the fact that Michael Jordan really was quite a prick, Wilt Chamberlain cared more about stats than winning, and how cocaine nearly destroyed the league in the late 70's and early 80's. He gives his list of greatest players ever, and while I disagreed with several of his choices, his logic was hard to argue with. Simmons is a Boston guy, so he naturally treats Larry Bird and Bill Russell like Jesus and Moses, yet he remains as unbiased as possible - aside from his constant shots on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. It's a great book for fans of the game, and judging on it's good sales, there seems to be quite a few. My favorite part of the book? His constant potshots at Karl Malone's inability to be clutch, and Kobe Bryant's ridiculous changes in attitude over the years. It's a great book from a great writer. Check it out.

Ninja Assassin

*****
Four Stars Out of Five


Okay, let's get this out of the way right now: If you expect anything entitled Ninja Assassin to be high cinema, you're stupid. There, I said it. Seriously, can a movie title be any more redundant than that? My first thought when I saw the title was, "Why the hell didn't you just call it "Assassin Assassin?" However, a title such as this can work to it's advantage, as it also serves as a disclaimer: If you really want to see a movie entitled Ninja Assassin, you probably aren't interested in inconsequential shit like character development, narrative cohesion, or good acting. You're probably interested in watching a ninja, ahem, assassinate a metric fuckton of other ninja in the most violent way possible. And the movie succeeds majestically on that end.


Right now, I'm going to discuss the origins of the movie. Why? Because I want to, and I don't get paid for this, so I write about whatever I want! Enjoy!

Remember the Wachowski Brothers? They were huge for about 17 minutes in the early 2000's after releasing the ridiculously successful flick The Matrix in 1999. The two were suddenly hailed as the best Sci-Fi filmmakers in recent memory, which always grinded my gears, because nothing about that movie was unique. It was all pilfered from other media - Chinese cinema, comic books, James Cameron, you name it - and they got the credit for being unique. It really upset me, but I am not foolish enough to not enjoy the movie. It's an entertaining flick, and for good or ill, it has completely changed the way that action/sci-fi movies are made today. They followed that huge success up by completely shitting on themselves with The Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions in 2003. Any semblance of cohesion, or straight-forward narrative disappeared, and the Wachowskis - while still able to stage a great action scene - seemed to have run out of ideas. They disappeared for a while, and then produced V For Vendetta, which has since gone on to become a cult-favorte for libertarian dickweeds the world over. After that, they resurfaced as directors, again, in 2008's Speed Racer. I never saw it, and I never will. It looked stupid, and I don't care if you loved it. It disappeared from theaters in weeks, and was rushed into the home video market shortly thereafter. The Wachowskis just couldn't get their mojo back. Then, something happened. They reconnected with James McTeigue, the man who helmed V For Vendetta, and hooked up with South Korean pop-star Rain to make Ninja Assassin. It was a great career move for everyone involved.

What? You actually want to read a review of the movie? See, that's hard, even for an accomplished writer such as myself (I'm not accomplished...), because this is not about story at all. I have seen many movies in my time that have eschewed substance for style - several movies this past summer come to mind (I'm looking at you, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen) - but never has one so shamelessly showcased style in a way that completely eclipses any substance whatsoever. I get the idea that McTeigue and company got together in a room, read the script (which, to my astonishment, was co-written by J. Michael Straczynsci, the man who just delivered one of the finest "Thor" comic arcs ever), said "Fuck this," and decided to come up with as many amazing action sequences as possible, and then fit pieces of a "narrative" around them. Surprisingly, that's not a bad thing. McTeigue knows exactly who he is making this movie for, and he gives his audience everything they could possibly ask for in a movie entitled Ninja Assassin. The reason why I think I liked this movie so much - and don't get me wrong, I did enjoy Transformers 2 quite a bit - is because the filmmakers didn't even attempt to really expand on any character development, or make sure a decent story is told. Transformers 2 was well over two hours long, the story was putried, and yet Michael Bay still tried to make the audience care about it. Not so here, as McTeigue throws us right into the guts (pun gloriously intended) of the monster he's created.

But, for the sake of a review, I'll give a truncated synopsis of the "story." Apparently, there's still ninja among us, and they're young orphans picked off the streets of Japan. They're brutally trained to be living weapons, and then their services are offered for 100 pounds of gold (or it's equivalent in money). An upstart Europol agent (Naomie Harris) catches wind of this, and before she knows it, she's knee-deep in ninja conspiracy, and ninja blood. One particular ninja, Raizu (bad-ass South Korean pop-star Rain) has gone rogue and wants to kill off his clan. He hooks up with the Europol agent, and he continues on with the whole killing of his ninja clan. That's really about it. Everything else is action, action, action.

This is seriously the goriest mainstream movie I have ever seen. And I've seen Dead Alive - you know, the Peter Jackson flick where a momma's boy attacks a horde of zombies with a lawnmower - and countless other gore-filled extravaganzas. Nothing even comes close to this. Within the first five minutes of the movie, I saw a man's head cut in half, leaving what is left of his brain and skull in full view. I saw more limbs lopped off than I could count (I even tried, for a little while), and I saw roughly 500 gallons of blood sprayed throughout the movie's run time. I remember the first time I saw Kill Bill, and I was a little put off by the amount of arterial spray every time the Bride killed someone. Ninja Assassin makes Kill Bill look like a child's program. I would venture to say that every person that dies in the movie lets loose about 9 gallons of blood. It's really that bloody. Remember that awesomely awesome scene in 300 when Leonidas breaks free from the phalanx for the first time and goes apeshit on all of those Persians? Imagine a 100 minute version of that, but in the place of Leonidas is Raizu, the coolest ninja ever, and in place of the Persians, more ninja. That's what Ninja Assassin really is. And that's one hell of a compliment.

It's definitely a stylish film, and one concept I really liked was how the ninja were treated. The ninja are almost always confined to the shadows, and their presence is portrayed more as monsters than humans. It really reminded me of the movie Aliens, as the ninja attack in droves, and they usually stay just-out-of-sight. It was a cool stylistic decision that helps the movie distance itself from other standard action fare.

My only real complaint was that the film looked like it was shot specifically for the 3-D format, which, surprisingly, it wasn't. I had the impression that I was just unlucky enough to live in a small-ish town and we simply didn't have the resources to show it in 3-D, as our only 3-D theater is currently being occupied by A Christmas Carol. Turns out, after doing some research, that simply wasn't the case. It wasn't a 3-D movie at all, even though I'm fairly confident the filmmakers original plan was to release it that way, and the funding fell through. It's a shame, too, because I would have loved to see all that blood and guts in three glorious dimensions.

It was refreshing to be able to go out to the theaters at this time of years and mindlessly enjoy something instead of having to be super-involved in the goings-on on screen. This is the time of year where all the Oscar-bait appears, and I like to be able to turn my brain off for a while, instead of watching another "triumphant performance" from Morgan Freeman, Meryl Streep, or other Oscar favorites. I love intellectual, compelling cinema as much as the next guy, but sometimes I just want to see some people get completely and utterly maimed in horrific fashion. Does that make me a bad guy? Maybe, but at least Ninja Assassin isn't so far up it's own ass as to pose a pseudo-intellectual question like that. It's a cool fucking movie. Check it out!

Comic Book Movies

Well, it's been a while since I've updated this here review site. The sad truth is, I haven't seen much lately - partly because I'm poor, but mostly because there is absolute shit playing in the theaters these days. Seriously, "New Moon?" No, thank you! Furthermore, the majority of everything being released on video at this time has been, most likely, seen by the majority of the populace. Since I'm a nice guy, though, I'll do a quick rundown of some movies I've seen at home lately, followed up by a quick statement about the flick. Then, it's on to my feature of the day - the comic book movie. Remember, this is on a five-star scale. Here you go:

Star Trek - Five Stars - Great. See it now!
Bruno - Four Stars - Most offensive mainstream movie ever made. Hysterical.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Three Stars - Cheesy, campy, and a good deal of fun.
Up - Five Stars - Pixar's most mature film yet. Heartbreaking and funny.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Four Stars - More robots, more fighting, more fighting robots. Thank you.
Taking of Pelham 123 - One Star - Bad story, bad acting (from Travolta), bad pacing, horrible editing. Bad movie.
Year One - Three Stars - Ultimately forgettable, but a nice diversion. Several very funny moments.
Land of the Lost - Three Stars - Will Ferrell and Danny McBride? Sign me up. Some great one-liners from a movie that was unfairly bashed by critics.

So, there it is. Those are the movies I've seen lately. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. I hope everyone sees both "Star Trek" and "Up," as they were two of the best movies of the year, and were the highlights of the summer movie season.

Now, I know I'm a little late to the party on this - or maybe I'm simply early, as winter is fast approaching, and the next round of comic book flicks don't hit until the summer ("Iron Man 2" is leading the push). However, if you know me at all, you understand I'm quite a geek when it comes to my comic books. If you know me, you also know I'm quite a geek when it comes to my movies - hence, this website. So, I guess I become some super-geek when it comes to comic book movies, right? Imagine a giant, shaggy-haired, lazy, Captain America-t-shirt-wearing geek who is unafraid to critique the shit out of these movies, yet hypocritically attacks anyone who critiques the movies and are not aware of their humble beginnings in the funny pages. That's me, in a nutshell. So, as a man who loves both mediums, I've decided to compile a list of the ten best and five worst comic book movies made to date. There are some included that many will both agree and disagree with, while there are others that have been left off entirely, which will lead some to scratch their heads. Well, the best part about being a poor college kid trying his hand at movie reviews and whatnot is that I get to write what I want, when I want, and how I want. Of course, I don't get paid a fucking penny for it, but I get to say what I want, so you can suck it if you don't like it!

The criteria for qualifying for either list is simple: the source material must have originated in comic books. To secure a spot on the "Best" list, the movie must be faithful to the characters, have good casting, great directing, and, most importantly, treat the characters with respect and love. The movies that landed on the "Worst" list did the exact opposite of that. So, to quote a character from one of the movies on the "Best" list... And Here. We. Go!

The Best Comic Book Movies

10. Spider-Man (2002)

Sure, the movie hasn't aged very well, and it's been largely forgotten due to the financial success of Spider-Man 2 (a movie I fucking hated), and Spider-Man 3 (this isn't the last we've heard about this pile of shit). This is a good flick, though, and it's success certainly paved the way for bigger, better, and more interesting comic book characters to get a shot at the big screen. Ignore it's major cultural influence, though, and what we're left with is a solid origin story about Marvel's most popular character. Everyone knows the story by now: dorky Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider, his uncle gets shot and dies, and Peter learns that "with great power comes great responsibility." Beyond all that, Peter has to balance working for a crazy boss, making time for his roommate, and trying to hook up with the girl of his dreams, Mary Jane Watson. Then, just when things can't get any worse for the web-head, his best friend's dad loses his shit and becomes the Green Goblin, a psychopath with a glider and insatiable blood-lust. It's a fun movie that keeps in line with the light-hearted approach introduced in earlier comic book movies like Superman, yet carves out it's own identity by remaining true to Peter Parker's sad-sack, if-it-wasn't-for-bad-luck-he-wouldn't-have-any-at-all life. The casting was pretty good all around, too, yet the filmmakers clearly didn't take into account the possibility of (numerous) sequels. Tobey Maguire is Spider-Man, and he does a good job, as does Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane. The problem lies in the future films in the series - both actors turned in progressively worse performances in the sequels. Yet, the best casting choice was Willem Dafoe as Norman Osborn/Green Goblin. He's great in everything, and this is no exception. Sure, you can sit around and bitch about how the Green Goblin looked like a green Power Ranger, or you can make fun of the sub-par CGI effects, but you can't ignore the fact that this was one of the first real comic book blockbusters in the new millenium, and it was a hell of a lot of fun when it was released.

9. The Incredible Hulk (2008)
In 2003, Ang Lee released his vision of Marvel Comic's Green Goliath entitled HULK. Guess what? It fucking sucked. Really bad. I'll talk about that later, but it's necessary to know that before discussing anything about the far-superior 2008 "requel." Edward Norton stars (and essentially wrote the script) as Bruce Banner, the puny scientist who gets himself exposed to record amounts of Gamma radiation. The result? Any time he gets mad, he transforms into a giant green behemoth who has temper tantrums that generally end in several dead civilians and decimated cities. The movie opens with Bruce on the run from the army, who wants to capture him and turn him into a weapon. Bruce just wants a cure. That's basically it for the set-up, and director Louis Letterier perfectly blends the gentle, quieter character moments with balls-out smash-fests. Norton is perfect as Banner - a know-it-all who is stuck with this curse, and is afraid to get close to absolutely anybody. Liv Tyler is good as Betty Ross, Bruce's once-and-future lover. Tim Roth is excellent as Emil Blonsky, an aging mercenary who wants to bulk up and take down the Hulk. And William Hurt as Gen. Thunderbolt Ross is perfect, as he plays a grizzled veteran who thinks the Hulk is his property. There's not much else to say about the movie, and that there isn't is actually a great compliment for a film like this. Nobody wants to watch a movie about the Hulk and wax philosophy afterward. Nope, we just want to see Hulk fuck shit up. And shit gets all sorts of fucked up in this fun movie.

8. X-Men 2: X-Men United (2003)

When the first X-Men hit theaters in 2000, there was an immediate thirst for more comic book movies. While that movie was good, it was little more than an overlong origin story. It did, however, set up the serious tone for all comic book movies henceforth, and introduced us to our favorite mutants all over again. In 2003, X-2 hit theaters and the series again raised the bar for comic book movies. It improved on everything in the original and introduced us to new characters which fans have been wanting to see for years. There's something about seeing Nightcrawler "BAMF!" his way through an entire Secret Service squad that makes all inner fanboys squeal in delight. The action was better and more often, the characters more fleshed out, and the story more tightly focused. A genuine threat in the form of Col. William Stryker (Brian Cox) forces mutants of all allegiances to unite. The movie intelligently borrows story beats and concepts from the 80's classic storyline, "God Loves, Man Kills," and it works wonderfully here. The filmmakers shoot a great scene in which Iceman "outs" himself to his parents, who didn't know he was a mutant. The scene offers a chance to be both funny and poignant; his family doesn't understand how he can be a mutant, and they openly wonder if it's their "fault" their son is so different. It's a great scene in an excellent adaptation. It is, currently, the best X-Men film ever made.


7. Batman Begins (2005)

Batman Begins is an interesting movie. It was not incredibly popular when it was released, yet it was successful enough to warrant a sequel which then went on to become the second-most successful movie in history. In every conceivable way, The Dark Knight outshines it's predecessor, Batman Begins. That's a shame, though, because Batman Begins is an excellent movie that focuses deeply on the character of Bruce Wayne and marks the first comic book movie to be taken seriously by the film community. Batman Begins works not only as an adaptation of a loved character, but also as a great movie in and of itself. If ever a movie franchise needed to be rebooted, it was the Batman one. What began as a dark series in 1989 slowly devolved into a campy, stupid, and embarassing parody of itself by 1998's Batman and Robin. In the years that followed, many Batman projects fell through the cracks until Christopher Nolan grabbed the reins. It was arguably the biggest and best thing to happen to the character of Batman since Frank Miller tackled the character in comics 20 years earlier - which is interesting, as Nolan borrows heavily from Miller's origin story, "Batman: Year One" here. Nolan decided to focus on realism and the character underneath the cowl: Bruce Wayne. In the earlier Bat-films, Wayne was always a caricature of a rich man and he was never really fleshed out. Finally, someone focused on why a disgustingly rich man would sneak through the shadows at night dressed as a bat and fight crime. And it works. Christian Bale is excellent as Bruce Wayne, and makes for a good Batman, even if his voice is a little difficult to take at times. We see the sacrifices Bruce must make to maintain his status as a vigilante, and it's great to see Bruce Wayne act like a bratty socialite, knowing full-well that he's simply protecting his identity as Batman. Equally good is Gary Oldman as James Gordon, Batman's unofficial partner who is one of the few clean cops in Gotham City. Their's is a relationship that has evolved over the decades in the comics, and it's nice to see Gordon finally get the respect on celluloid he deserves.


6. Iron Man (2008)
Iron Man is a strange flick. It's a movie I never really expected to see hit theaters, simply because the character of Tony Stark was never really all that popular to begin with. Up until about five years ago, everybody who reads comics knew who he was, but he was never a top-tier name like Spider-Man, Wolverine, Thor, or Captain America. Heck, you could even argue that he wasn't even as popular as Daredevil or Punisher. Then, something strange happened. A world-wide civil war broke out between the heroes in the Marvel universe, with Iron Man leading one side, and Captain America leading the other. In the end, Captain America died, and Iron Man had become one of the biggest names in comics. But success on the printed page doesn't always translate to success on the silver screen, especially when the character in question has become very polarizing. Marvel was determined to make an Iron Man movie, though, and in the summer of 2008, they released it to the masses. And it was really, really good. Which is also a bit strange, when you consider that the movie is essentially two hours of watching a genius build two suits and fuck some shit up in the process. Really, the movie isn't much more complex than that, and the villain of the picture isn't exactly deep or threatening. But still, it worked. Really, really well. The main reason for the film's success is the performance of Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man. It's not often that an actor of Downey, Jr.'s caliber is cast as a super hero, yet his performance has probably changed that forever. Leading men will be dying to get a shot at super hero pics now, since Downey, Jr. is a hot commodity now, and he's become one of Hollywood's elite. Downey, Jr. brings a fluid, fun, and exciting edge to the picture that probably would not have been there without him; this is funny, because Marvel initially wanted someone like Clive Owen cast as Tony Stark. The entire picture probably would have been an immense bore if it weren't for the awesomeness of RDJ, and that's not a compliment I give out lightly. The picture also contains some of the best CGI to date, and the action scenes that are there do not disappoint. Iron Man did it's job spectacularly of creating another solid franchise for Marvel, and the anticipation of next summer's "Iron Man 2" only continues to grow.

5. Batman (1989)

If you were around for the release of 1989's Batman, you remember fully the mania it introduced into the mainstream. After seeing this movie, millions of people packed into bookstores and comic shops to buy up whatever Batman books they could find; as a matter of fact, Grant Morrison's "Batman: Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on a Serious Earth" is still the best-selling graphic novel of all-time, due to it's release around the same time as Batman. There's not much to say about the movie that hasn't been said a million times before, and the movie hasn't aged particularly well, especially when comparing it to it's modern-day counterparts. But the impact the movie had on not only comic books-to-film, but also movies in general, can't be understated. Tim Burton had the luck of directing this, and today, it looks more like a Tim Burton movie with some Batman characters than a legitimate Batman movie, yet at the time, nobody was complaining. They were just happy to see a black-suited Batman punch someone without the accompanying "WHAM!" psychedelic-colored words splash across the screen. Michael Keaton is Batman, and it was an excellent casting decision, as he brought the right look to the role. Of course, everyone remembers who the Joker was, right? Up until last year, the de facto performance of the Joker belonged to Jack Nicholson. While many today claim that Jack as the Joker was simply Jack being Jack, in 1989, his performance was revolutionary. Yes, he was chewing up scenery like nobody's business, but he was most definitely the Joker. While Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Knight has no doubt eclipsed that of Jack's, we will never forget the first big name actor to play the Clown Prince. Both films serve as different ways to portray the Joker. In one, he's a laughing madman who is threatening, but not too threatening. In the other, he's a face-painted anarchist who feels a deep connection to Batman. Both portrayals are correct, and both performances simply cement the fact that the Joker is the best, most multi-faceted villain in all of comics.


4. The Crow (1994)

Every list has a dark-horse, and this one is mine. I may be a little bit biased here, since this was my favorite movie growing up, and I had a weird obsession with both Bruce and Brandon Lee. As many of you already know, Brandon Lee died on the set of this movie. He got shot in the chest by bullets that were supposed to be blanks, and he died hours later during surgery. The film almost didn't get released, yet the powers that be fortunately decided that Brandon's last performance should see the light of day. It was a great decision. Again, this didn't seem like the type of comic book adaptation that would score box office gold, as it was based on an independent 80's comic that was heavily influenced by bands like The Cure. This is one of the rare occasions where the film is actually superior to the source material in almost every single way, as director Alex Proyas made it less melodramatic, and a lot darker. The film is about Eric Draven, a guitarist who is murdered along with his fiance the day before they are to be married (on Halloween). One year later, Eric returns from the grave to kill the men responsible for raping and murdering his fiance, then killing him. It's a rather barebones revenge plot, but Brandon Lee so fully becomes Eric Draven that it doesn't really matter. His pain and anguish over the loss of his one true love is evident in nearly every screen, and everything from the face paint and clothing, down to the way Lee carries himself, is stunning. Brandon Lee's death became instantly more depressing after watching this movie, realizing that the world had lost an extremely talented man. On another depressing note, the film spawned several progressively worse sequels until somebody finally pulled the plug on it. Last I heard, Stephen Norrington (director of Blade and League of Extraordinary Gentleman) was at the helm for a remake. I'll pass, and stick with this amazing and under-appreciated flick.


3. Watchmen (2009)
For a very long time, Watchmen had been considered "unfilmable." It had been in development for almost 20 years by the time director Zach Snyder got a hold of it. Watchmen was written as a maxi-series by Allan Moore (largely regarded as the best comic book writer of all-time), and it centered on a group of heroes during the 80's in an alternate timeline in which America won the Vietnam war, and Nixon had remained our president for over two decades. Indeed, filming the movie version would be no simple task, as many of the characters are morally ambiguous (to put it lightly), and some are downright unlikeable. In addition to the touchy characters, the story itself and the world it takes place in is incredibly bleak and violent. To make matters worse, the story is very complicated, and telling the entire story with only two hours of screen time would be nigh impossible. But guess what? Snyder and co. do a fantastic job of adapting the story to film, and in the process, they created the most faithful comic book movie yet. The majority of the film is ripped directly from the pages, and the only big change to the film is actually one that makes more sense, and allows the film to unfold more organically. The acting all around is superb; the only weak link is Malin Akerman as the Silk Spectre II, but even she is capable in her role. The highlight of the movie is definitely Jackie Earle Haley as the masked vigilante Rorschach. The film, while an ensemble in every sense of the word, is largely carried on the shoulders of Rorschach, a disillusioned, unhinged man who sees the world in absolutes. It is strange, then, that this murderer (to be fair, he's only killing bad guys, but still) is the heart of the film, and the conclusion to his story has the most impact. Almost as impressive is Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan. Dr. Manhattan is the only true "super-powered" character in the film, and one of his powers is omnipotence - this detaches him from the other humans he interacts with, and this detachment is central to telling the story. Crudup's performance has been unfairly criticized as being "detached" and "uninvolved," but frankly, those critics missed the point. He is supposed to be careless in his feelings towards the fate of humanity, and his carelessness is a major plot point. Ultimately, Watchmen is the definition of the "comic book movie," as it is a movie made strictly for fans of the comic book, and everybody else will most likely dislike it. Either way, it is a huge accomplishment in modern filmmaking, and the ending will leave you and your peers talking for days.

2. Superman (1978)

This is the one that started it all. Yes, there were animated versions and movie serials before this, but Superman marks the first real live-action comic book adaptation. And, until last year, it was still the best. The movie really hasn't aged at all, minus the so-so effects (they are still surprisingly good, considering the film's age), and the characterization of Clark Kent/Superman is among the best ever - that includes comic books, cartoons, and films. We get to see young Clark realize he's different and discover his amazing powers - which, of course, include super-strength, speed, heat vision, cold breath, and flying - in addition to learning his true heritage and resolving to be a superhero. Christopher Reeve remains the iconic Superman, not just for the generation of film-goers who first discovered the Man of Steel in 1978, but also for everyone else. Even the comic books today have adopted his likeness, which further cements his iconic status. The fact is, Reeve will always be Superman, because he so perfectly portrayed both the oafish Clark Kent, and the Boy Scout with never ending confidence Superman. Even though Brandon Routh did a commendable job in Superman Returns in 2006, he still doesn't hold a candle to Reeve. In addition to Reeve, the movie boasts a cast including Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor, and Marlon Brando as Superman's father on Krypton, Jor-El. That's a heavy cast list for any movie, nevermind a comic book flick. In the end, the movie just so perfectly captures the essence of Superman. Yes, he's not the most popular superhero, he doesn't have the awesome villains like Batman, or Spider-Man has, and he doesn't even deal with the regular problems like the other mainstream heroes. But that's what's so great about Superman - he's not like us, he's better than us, but he doesn't act like it. He sees the goodness in man, and he will do anything to protect us.


1. The Dark Knight (2008)

This one is no surprise, of course. This is a balls-out epic that completely redefines what comic book movies are capable of. Director Christopher Nolan used the superhero template to tell an involving story about crime, escalation, and vigilantism. There are parallels to be drawn towards the war in Iraq - if you want to draw them - yet it can be enjoyed entirely on nothing more than the surface level. The film raises several questions throughout, and it offers some great portrayals of individuals suffering from several psychological issues - some more obvious than others. However, if all you want is a rollicking good time that offers neat gadgets and cool explosions, then this movie has that, too. The hardest thing for comic book movies to do is to ensure that the characters translate successfully to the big screen. No comic book movie in history has done such a great job of ensuring that than The Dark Knight. The plot isn't directly lifted from a specific storyline like Watchmen, but it does borrow heavily from some of the better Batman stories ever told, such as "The Long Halloween," "Dark Victory," and "The Killing Joke." Even better, Nolan gave movie-goers a glimpse at the Joker that comic fans have wanted for decades. The biggest reason for the Joker's success in this movie must be attributed to Oscar winner Heath Ledger. Ledger completely transforms into the Joker; everything from his voice to his simple mannerisms are so different that it is hard to identify the man behind the paint. There are several scenes in the film that will have you laughing along with the Joker and his madness, yet only moments later will he instill actual fear into you. The Joker is a man without a conscience, a man who will do anything for a "laugh," yet there's a part of him that is inexplicably drawn towards Batman. The heart of the film is about the relationship between Batman and the Joker, and what it means to Gotham City. Batman vows to clean up crime in Gotham, yet as soon as he dons his costume, "freaks" like the Joker show up and only make the situation worse. While Batman has one of the best rogue's gallery in comics, nobody even comes close to the Joker, because he is so personally drawn to Batman. They are connected in a way that Batman refuses to acknowledge, and the film plays on this story beat wonderfully. While Batman and the Joker appear together on screen sparsely, their scenes together are among the best the film has to offer. Joker is kind of like a scorned girl who is willing to do any- and everything to get the attention of her would-be suitor. And, of course, there's Two-Face, as well. The movie also does a tremendous job of showing Batman's greatest loss as a crimefighter - the loss of Harvey Dent. Two-Face has a personal relationship with Batman as well, and that, too, is played to perfection here. While the situations in this film differ dramatically from those in the comics, the characters are so faithfully recreated, it is like seeing our childhood pals come to life on screen. It really is that good.

Honorable Mentions: Unfortunately, the list had to be weeded down to only ten great flicks. However, there are other adaptations that warrant a mention. Here they are, check them out if you haven't, but remember, they're not the cream of the comic book movie crop. Sin City, X-Men, 300, V For Vendetta, Hellboy and Hellboy II: The Golden Army.


The Worst Comic Book Movies

5. Fantastic Four/Fantasic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2005 & 2007)


This series fucking sucked. The funny part? In 1994, a studio which owned the rights to Fantastic Four made a pile of shit movie with no intent to release it, they just wanted to hold onto the rights. It was an abomination that can be found using the internet if you really are a glutton for punishment, but the funny part is that it is more entertaining than these two suckfests. Are they the worst movies ever made? No, not by a long shot, but they are just so incredibly bland that they are depressing. The Fantastic Four - comprised of Mr. Fantastic, the Invisible Woman, the Human Torch, and The thing - are known as Marvel's First Family, and they certainly deserve much better than these two embarassments. It's one thing to make Johnny Storm (Human Torch) into an annoying little frat guy, but it's another thing entirely to turn Dr. Doom into nothing more than a vain egomaniac who gets pissy when his face ain't pretty anymore. Seriously, the movie's rationable for Dr. Doom going bad is... he's not handsome. It's that fucking pathetic. In addition to this horrible misstep, the director, Tim Story, actually succeeded - not once, but twice! - in making Jessica Alba look like shit. Ioan Gruffudd was cast as Reed Richards, and he has all the charisma of a dead deer on the highway. Actually, that's being too generous. He has less charsima than a discarded wet towel. Michael Chiklis is instantly forgettable as The Thing, as he looks more like a block of cheddar cheese than a legitimate badass. The only actor in the movies who is even interesting is Chris Evans, but he's unfortunately and inexplicably cast aside as little more than comedy relief and all-around douche baggery as the Human Torch. The sequel, which is actually a two hour preview of a Silver Surfer movie, is just more and more shitty mediocrity. It's a great thing that Marvel decided to reboot this franchise now, as opposed to waiting for several more pathetic attempts at making these unengaging individuals appear "cool" and "hip."


4. Ghost Rider (2007)

I've seen some bad movies over the last couple years, but few pop up in my mind quite like this shit-storm from 2007. Nicholas Cage stars as Johnny Blaze, a dumbshit who sold his soul to the devil to save his poppa from cancer. Turns out, the devil has a sense of humor, and removes the cancer, but then kills him in a motorcycle accident shortly thereafter. Looks like Johnny Blaze should have looked at the fine print... Anyway, Nicholas Cage is at an all-time low here (and that's saying something, because this is the same moron who has starred in high-brow efforts like National Treasure, Next, Bangkok Dangerous, and Con Air). Apparently, Cage had wanted to star in a comic book movie adaptation for years - he had his sights set on Superman for a while - and when he realized he wasn't getting any top-tier characters, he settled on Ghost Rider, regardless of whether or not the movie was going to be well-made. It wasn't. The movie is so contrived, so stupid, so embarassingly cheesy that I actually thought maybe the whole movie was one big joke. Nope, it's deadly serious. When Blaze eventually turns into the Ghost Rider, we're treated to some of the worst CGI this side of Van Helsing and I Am Legend. It really looks like the flaming skull was rendered on an Apple II. To add insult to injury, the flaming skull speaks in short,stupid sentences in a voice that resembles Mr. T if he were lobotomized. For example, when the Ghost Rider confronts a thug in the streets and the thug pleads for mercy, the Rider actually responds, "Sorry. All. Out. Of. Mercy." Not enough for ya? Okay, how about this: When fighting a demon made of sand, the Ghost Rider brilliantly yells, "Hey! Dirtbag!"Still not convinced? How about, when fighting an air-demon, he proclaims, "Time to clear the air!" I wish I were making this up, but I'm not. Listen, I'm not an unreasonable man. I can deal with some shitty plot points if the rest of the movie is entertaining and exciting, but when the movie is a complete failure on every production level, I'm not so nice. If the story is sucks, make sure the action is cool. If the action is kind of lame, make sure the characters are at least compelling - Blaze being addicted to jelly beans is not compelling. This is a sad, pathetic adaptation that actually hurts the awesomeness of the character. How hard is it to make a cool movie involving a fucking flaming skull riding a motorcycle? Based on this movie, it's harder than convincing the Pope to convert to Judaism...


3. HULK (2003)
Talk about a pile of fucking shit. If there's one thing I hate more than self-indulgent, pompous faux-intellectualism, it's self-indulgent, pompous faux-intellectualism camouflaged as a comic book movie. This is really a boring, over-long pile of shit. That's the best way to really describe it. To make matters worse, it appears as though there wasn't one person on the cast and crew who had any knowledge of the Hulk franchise. There is absolutely no respect paid to the source material; instead of sticking with the tried-and-true formula of having Bruce suffer an accident while experimenting with Gamma rays, director Ang Lee and co. decided to give Bruce a daddy-complex. His dad is a complete psychopath who experimented on himself, and in the process, he created millions of little Hulk-sperm that he then impregnated with wife with. Not only does the film drastically change the origin story to the character, it does so in such a heavy-handed, pretentious fashion that there is no joy to be had from watching the movie. What we get is not the confident, yet conflicted Bruce Banner from the comics, but rather a dweeby, pathetic little scientist who doesn't know how to handle his anger towards his father and wants nothing more than a big old hug from dear old dad. He doesn't get it. But you know what Bruce does get when he turns into the Hulk? He gets attacked by mutant poodles. Seriously. Mutant. Fucking. Poodles. Not big threatening wolves, not mutated grizzly bears, not Abomination, or any other villains from the comics. Mutant poodles! Oh, and when the Hulk fights them, he's completely naked and the entire sequence is filmed in a manner to keep his jolly green giant off-screen by "subtly" hiding it in the shadows. The scene plays more like an outtake in the Austin Powers movies than anything remotely exciting. When the movie isn't shitting on established continuity, it's visually screwing with the viewers by trying to emulate the comics by having several different panels all showing on-screen at once. What is supposed to be an interesting nod to the source material's original medium instead becomes a difficult viewing experience for the audience. What should have been an intense action movie that explores the conflict raging within Bruce Banner instead devolves into little more than a two-and-a-half hour long suckfest that is more interested in psychobabble and Freudian symbolism than in telling a remotely engaging story involving the Jade Giant.


2. Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Holy hot fuck, where do I start with this one? This movie is so craptacularly abysmal that I don't know if I'll be able to keep my criticism of all of it's many faults at a decent length. I'm one of the more vocal critics of this franchise - I'm in the minority in hating Spider-Man 2 as well - yet I really enjoyed the first movie in the trilogy. However, there are very few things about Spider-Man 3 to actually enjoy. From beginning to end, it's a horrendous movie filled with gaping plotholes, horrible special effects, wooden, several dance segments, and not one - but two! - singing performances from Kirsten Dunst. I don't know who the fuck was whispering in director Sam Raimi's ear and suggested something so moronically stupid, but if I ever find out who they are, he/she will receive one stern talking-to from your's truly. I can't figure out what the hell the filmmakers were thinking when they thought that fans would want to watch Kirsten Dunst sing instead of, oh, I don't know, maybe watch Spider-Man fight somebody? Which leads me to my next gripe: the villains (all three of them) are under-developed, boring, and just plain stupid. By introducing the villain Flint Marko - AKA Sandman - Raimi actually shits on his own established continuity from the earlier films. Now, apparently, Sandman is the one responsible for Uncle Ben's death, not some faceless thug who Peter let get away with some loot at the wrestling match. By doing this, the film establishes that the reason for Peter becoming Spider-Man is actually erroneous, which only hurts the impact of the characters. Moving on from that, Sandman isn't actually a bad guy, just a guy who is down on his luck and is stealing and hurting police officers to help his ill daughter. At the end of the movie, Spider-Man learns this and lets Sandman carry on without facing any consequences for his actions. Hmm... Doesn't sound very heroic to me. It's like me robbing a bank and shooting a police officer. When I get arrested, I simply tell the judge that school is hard to pay for, and I'm broke, and he says, "Go on, get outta here, kid!" That's not how a superhero (or any "good guy") should act. But wait, there's two more villains I didn't mention yet! There's Harry Osborn, who's now just like his dad from the first film and wants revenge on Spidey for "killing" his dad. There's a moment in the film's third act where, after refusing to help Spidey rescue Mary Jane, Harry's butler tells him that Spider-Man didn't actually kill his dad, rather Norman killed himself. REALLY?!?! So he's known about this precious little nugget of truth for a while, and he's simply waiting until to tell Harry? Why not let him know before he goes off and tries to kill Spidey? Why not let him know before Spidey explodes half of Harry's face? Really, any time before then would have worked out just fine. It's a contrived plot point in a sea of contrived plot points, which just further hurts any positives the movie could muster up. And then there's Venom, whom fans have been anxiously awaiting for since the first movie was even announced. And what do all of the patient fans get for their wait? A tacked-on smart-ass in the form of Topher Grace. Yes, that Topher Grace. You know, the one who looks like the only threat he poses is slipping a roofie in a girl's drink at a frat party, because any girl who isn't passed out could kick his ass. That Topher Grace. The filmmakers actually succeeded in finding the only man who looks like a bigger pussy than Tobey Maguire. To make matters worse, they make Venom a wise-cracking character instead of Spider-Man. Spidey is a wise-ass by his very nature, constantly poking fun at his opponents and making himself look like an ass. Not so, here, since apparently Spider-Man doesn't have a sense of humor; he's too busy brooding over his girlfriend, and all-around suckiness of his existence. You didn't think I was going to forget about Emo-Spidey, did you? For shame! I was simply whetting my apetite with the above morsels of shit before tackling the big one. That's right, Spidey goes emo! Like, full-on emo! Like, "I-wear-black-clothing-and-black-masscara-and-have-straight-locks-of-my-hair-conveniently-hang-down-over-one-of-my-eyes-emo!" And you wanna know what the best part is? We actually get to see Peter decide to change his hairstyle after a fight with Sandman! That scene is forever etched in my brain, as I was unfortunate enough to see this piece of shit in theaters during it's opening weekend. I was with two buddies, and we were in a full theater of patrons anxiously waiting for the expectations to be shat upon when Peter ever so lightly moves some of his hair strategically in front of his face. The theater was dead quiet for a split-second until one asshole viewer couldn't contain himself and exploded with laughter. The entire theater then turned and stared at him in unison. Guess who that asshole was? Yep, me. That's how bad this movie is; it's so bad that the most memorable moment of even seeing the fucking thing was being stared at by an entire auditorium of stunned people. Seriously, Sam Raimi, if you ever read this and you get your head out of your ass, give me a call and we'll make a legitimate Spider-Man movie. I can guarantee I'd make a better web-head than Tobey fucking Maguire.


1. Batman and Robin (1997)

This is it! The big, bad, worst comic book movie ever made! I debated with myself for about ten seconds between this and Spider-Man 3 for the worst one, but I decided I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't do the right thing here. Batman and Robin is not just the worst comic book movie ever made, it's actually one of the worst pieces of entertainment ever created. It's really that bad. My well-informed sources (I don't have any sources...) at the Pentagon tell me that they show this movie over and over to the prisoners as Gitmo as a form of torture. That's how fucking bad this movie is. You want an example of how bad it is? Okay: Batman has a Bat-Credit Card! No? Not bad enough yet? How about this: Batman's and Robin's suit have nipples! Still not convinced? All right, then, here you go: Arnold Schwarzzenegger plays one of the smartest, most accomplished scientists in the world! Ha! I knew that would get you! That's really true, too. Arnie plays Mr. Freeze, apparently a genius scientist who has a penchant for bad puns involving anything related to ice. Here are some of the gems that Arnie gets to spout in his Austrian accent:
- "You're not sending me to the cooler!"
-"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."
- "Tonight, hell freezes over!"
- "Everybody chill!"
- And my personal favorite: "Ice to see you!"
The entire movie seems to be based on how many shitty puns the cast can come up with and still tell a semi-coherent narrative. I guess, from that perspective, the movie's a complete success. But, from any other perspective, it's an abject failure. The sheer shittiness of the film actually set comic book adaptations back several years, and put Batman's cinematic career on life-support for over a half-decade. While the original Batman and Batman Returns weren't high cinema, and Batman Forever was simply forgettable, they all look like Citizen Kane when compared to this poop-filled disaster. All of the characterizations are horribly off, from Batman and Robin all the way down to the villain Bane. In the comics, Bane is a muscular criminal mastermind who succeeded in breaking Batman's back and spirit. In the movie, he's a retarded mongoloid with the Ultimate Warrior's discarded spandex. He is only capable of speaking in monosyllabic gurgles, and as a result, he is harder to understand than the talking dog on "Ripley's Believe It or Not!" Aside from the atrocious characterizations, director Joel Schumacher thought it would be a fantastic idea to shoot the film in almost exclusively neon colors. Because nothing screams, "BATMAN!" like bright, neon colors, right? There's a plot underneath all the bullshit, too, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Batman has trust issues with Robin (maybe because Robin is a 25 year-old douche bag...), which really hurts their partnership when Poison Ivy struts into town. Mr. Freeze wants diamonds, for some stupid reason, and he teams up with Poison Ivy for some other stupid reason. And Batgirl shows up for two minutes to beat up Poison Ivy and make some off-hand comments about feminism. That's the plot, in a nutshell, and it actually sounds more interesting than it actually is, if you can believe it. I whole-heartedly recommend that everyone sees this movie at least once in their lifetimes, as it is the absolute best example of how not to make a movie.

Paranormal Activity

*****
Two Stars Out of Five

Every few years or so a new, neat indie horror movie shows up. It ignores the status quo (the torture-porn made famous by the atrocious "Saw" franchise, for example) and there is suddenly a massive groundswell of support in favor of said movie. People proclaim it's the "scariest movie ever," paramedics inexplicably have to show up at screenings to take away some dipshit who can't handle suspense, and in some extreme cases, there are morons who think what they're watching on screen is real. It happened first with "Cannibal Holocaust" in the 80's and was followed up by a bunch of stupid "Faces of Death" crap. The best example of this is of course "The Blair Witch Project," which, for a short time anyway, many believed to be actual unearthed documentary footage of three jackasses attempting to find a witch.

So, it's been exactly 10 years since "The Blair Witch Project" was released, and in that ensuing 10 years, all of the morons who believed it was real must have raised equally moronic children who are stupid and gullible enough to believe that something shown in movie theaters nation-wide could actually show real people being killed by a malevolent and supernatural force. A little over a month ago, I began seeing advertisements for a new movie called "Paranormal Activity." The ads were centered mostly on audience reaction and the above-mentioned paramedic responses necessary for witnessing such a terrifying movie. This instantly led me to believe that, whatever the movie was about, it was going to be crap. I want to see movies, so sell the movie, not audience reaction (incidentally, the best part about seeing the movie in theaters was actually the audience reaction; I heard more prepubescent "Oh, my God" proclamations than one should ever have to endure). I remained cautiously optimistic anyway, since I love horror movies, and I got to see it today. What did I think? Why, read on, of course!

The movie is centered on a mid-20's couple in San Diego. Micah and Katie (played by Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston, respectively) have been co-habitating (probably why they're being haunted, the heathens) and are quite in love. We meet the couple after Micah buys a nifty video camera to chronicle their domestic adventures with the supernatural. Turns out they have been having a few late-night visits by an otherworldly force and Micah is determined to get hard evidence of the occurence. One of the first things they have a psychic stop by to help them out with their problem. The psychic does little to help, simply informing them that they're dealing with a demon - not a ghost - and that he can't do anything for them. Katie does reveal that this isn't the first time she's been messed with by a supernatural force; rather, it's happened several times throughout her life. What follows is a bunch of long nights for Micah and Katie...

The film's writer/director, Oren Peli, made the flick with a paltry $15,000 budget, so it's hard to pick too many nits with the film's problems. It's kind of like picking on the poor kid in school because he's still wearing a Starter pull-over jacket. But I'm a critic, and sometimes I have to be harsh, whether I want to or not. If this was a straight-to-video release, I might not be so rough on it, but considering it was a theatrical release, I have to hold it to a (much) higher standard. The biggest complaint I have with the film concerns the way it's presented to the audience. I don't mind the faux-documentary-style that is becoming more and more prominent in today's multiplexes, but if that's what you're going to do, then get rid of the silly, stupid character moments that don't work and simply present the goods. What worked so well in "Cloverfield," and "Diary of the Dead" just doesn't work as well here because it's a faux-documentary with convenient cuts that create a narrative and flow that really wouldn't be there if it were being filmed in reality. Really, why would you videotape yourself watching and/or listening to footage not you've clearly already witnessed? It unnecessarily pads the film's runtime and just re-shows the audience something they just watch a few minutes earlier.

The ill-advised decisions extend to the characters, as well. These are seriously some stupid fucking people. They do everything you wouldn't do in an event such as this, and it really pulls you out of the movie. It's not like a slasher flick where we expect the characters to behave stupidly and conveniently fall in the woods so the killer can catch up. Nope, this is supposed to be "real," remember? So make the characters behave realistically, not like stock characters in any run-of-the-mill horror movie. They figure out they're dealing with a demon and ignore the psychic's recommendation to call a demonologist. Micah goes out of his way to antagonize the demon by calling it out and trying to communicate with it with a Ouija board - even after he was told not to. Micah argues with Katie not to call the demonologist because it's his house and Katie is "his girl" and he's supposed to "protect her." Really?!?! Of all the times to swing your dick and puff out your chest and be a man, you choose the moment when you're being hunted by a demon? And, of course, the biggest blunder of all is that Katie ignores the first several encounters she's had with the demon - dating back to when she was 8 - and seeks zero help in regards to the matter. Again, it's mind-numbingly stupid, and the decisions the characters make really hurt the film.

But it's a horror movie, right? It's about the scares and not the story, right? Well, that's half-right. A movie like "Friday the 13th" can skate by on stupid characters and minimal plot, but not a movie like this that presents itself as real. But it is still a horror movie, so if the scares are there, it can at least soften the blow made by poor story. Unfortunately, there aren't any real scares in the movie. It's all suspense and build-up with no pay off. It's like getting a really big birthday present and tearing off the pretty and elaborately designed wrapping paper to realize it's just an empty box. There are genuine moments of suspense to be had, but they never really lead to anything memorable. Maybe empty suspense is enough for the youngsters with their damn hip-hop, Hannah Montana, and shiny Ugg boots, but this old fella needs something more substantial.

Arguably the biggest issue of the film is what we learn early on: the demon won't ever leave Katie alone. This is just stupid story-telling, because roughly 15 minutes into the movie, we learn that this isn't going to end well for Katie. The movie removes any sense of conflict for the audience, and it's hard to sustain interest in characters we know are doomed from the get-go. We know Micah and Katie can't get rid of the demon, so what the hell is the point of the damn movie?

Ultimately, it's just too hard to recommend this movie to anybody. I appreciate the effort that the director and cast put forth, and they really did accomplish something by making a successful movie with just $15,000, but it's just not very good. The characters are largely forgettable and stupid, and there is nothing for the audience to get invested in, as we learn early on that there is no way for Katie to rid herself of the demon. In the end, it's just another stupid horror movie that sells itself on audience reactions. Sigh.