The Expendables

***1/2**
Three and a Half Stars Out of Five

There's a scene about halfway through The Wrestler in which Mickey Rourke's character, Randy "The Ram" Robinson, is in a bar with a stripper and they're listening to Ratt's "Round and Round." They are having a drink, and the two start reminiscing about the good old days of 80's hair metal. Then, The Ram says, "Then that Cobain pussy had to come around and had to ruin it all." The two then discuss what was so wrong about having a good time, and how much the 90's sucked. That basically sums up my feelings towards many action movies for the last decade or so. Maybe it was 9/11 that played the role of "Cobain," and had to suck the joy out of everything. Maybe it was the lack of uber-males like Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Maybe it was the choice to focus on fighting robots and other special effects spectacles instead of manly men doing manly things with manly weapons. I don't know what the specific "Cobain" it was that neutered action movies, but it happened nevertheless, and it hurt guys like me who grew up idolizing Commandos, Rambos, Running Men, and semi-professional arm wrestlers/truck drivers meeting their estranged sons for the first time.

Simply put, the action genre has been on life-support for quite some time. That's not to say that there haven't been good action movies in the last 15-20 years, because there have been. I loved the Bourne franchise, the new Bond movies rocked (especially Casino Royale), and some cool comic book adaptations have kept my thirst for action in check. But there aren't anymore movies made featuring alpha males who routinely dispatch nameless and faceless cronies by the dozen for a reason that doesn't matter. Sometimes it's just fun to watch bad guys get killed because they're bad. Luckily, this summer has seen a bit of a resurgence in paper-thin-plotted action movies with the likes of The Losers, The A-Team, and now The Expendables. I'll say right away that The Expendables isn't as much fun as The A-Team was, but it definitely takes the action to places that it hasn't been in two decades.

The Expendables is built around Sylvester Stallone's idea of combining the biggest action stars - past and present - in one over-the-top (Sly fans will get the pun) action spectacle. It features the three greatest action stars of the 80's - Sly, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger - on-screen together for the first time (the scene is only about three minutes, it's nowhere near as climactic as the scene in Heat featuring Pacino and De Niro, but it's still worth the price of admission to see the Arnie glaring at Sly and the two stars taking potshots at one another, if only for a few minutes). The scene, much like the movie itself, is a tribute to the fans who have made these men superstars over the years. This is an 80's action flick made in 2010, and it's a helluva lot of fun.

I'm going to skip a synopsis here and instead do something a bit different - I'm going to run down all of the stars in the movie, why they're in the movie, and why they kick ass. There's not much of a plot to write about anyway - it's an 80's action movie, after all - and it's just not important to the movie as a whole. What matters are the people in the movie, and the action. Oh, the sweet action.

Sly - the Italian Stallion is an icon. He's one of the few guys out there who is actually a great actor, but he decided over the years to apply his skill set to silly action movies instead of creating great films like the original Rocky. So what if he has had more Botox than Joan Rivers, or taken more steroids than that high school nitwit who wants to make varsity desperately badly! He's a man, damnit! Sly is one of the few icons still kicking it old school, and for that, he will always have a special place in my heart. He stars as Barney, the aging mercenary and leader of the Expendables, a crew that is apparently invincible and just love to kill dudes.

Jason Statham - Stick with me here: Statham is kinda like Karl Malone, minus, you know, the whole "Karl Malone is a huge dick" thing. They're both great at what they do, but neither of them can really carry franchises. They're great second fiddle dudes, as Statham shows here. He's great as Lee Christmas (such a funny name for a bad-ass), and his charisma helps make him likable. Also like Malone, he refuses to go fully bald, instead riding the wave of male pattern baldness like a champ. If he continues to follow Malone's career trajectory, expect him to go fully bald within the next four years, and then a few months after that, Kobe Bryant will accuse him of trying to fuck his wife.

Jet Li - the diminutive Asian is slightly under-used here. It's kind of a good thing though, since his English hasn't improved since 2000's Romeo Must Die, his first American movie. As an aside, I remember watching Romeo Must Die in theaters after a track meet in 8th grade with my brother (it was that or American Psycho, we fucked up) and thinking it was the best movie ever made. DMX was in it, and Jet Li fucked Anthony Anderson up with a fire hose! That movie was a good bookend to a solid 8th grade which included a lot of sexual firsts. My freshman year of high school would be a huge disappointment, as I don't recall seeing any Jet Li movies in theaters, and I know I went almost a full year without making out with a girl (sigh). Either way, Jet brings some cool kung fu action to the table, and even if his dialogue was forced and quite often unfunny, he was a cool addition.

Mickey Rourke - there's not much Mr. Rourke can't do right these days. He elevated Iron Man 2 from an over-stuffed sequel to a must-see due to his (criminally underused) Ivan Vanko. He's great here as Tool, the retired Expendable whose tattoo shop still serves as the unofficial meeting place for the guys. The only scene in the entire movie which has any dramatic weight belongs to Rourke, and he knocks it out of the park. He doesn't appear too much in the flick, but you can tell he's got a real rapport with Sly and company, and his appearance alone makes the movie better.

Terry Crews - the Old Spice maniac doesn't do a whole lot here. I've never been a big fan of Crews, as he's generally overacted in everything I've seen him in, but those Old Spice commercials where he screams psychotically for 30 seconds won me over. He's basically here to take a few shots at Jet Li's size and blow shit up.

Randy Couture - what does a UFC-retiree do when he's all punched out? Become an action star, I guess. I've basically stayed away from the whole MMA-craze, so I don't know anything about Couture aside from the fact that he's probably capable of ripping somebody's arm off and beating him to death with it. He also has a very small role in the flick, but he does have a cool-as-hell fight scene with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

"Stone Cold" - the retired WWF star (I refuse to call is WWE, so there) is decent as an evil henchman. He doesn't do much except shoot guns when called upon, or punch people in the face when he needs to. He does both well. I really wish at one point he would have just grabbed a can of beer, started guzzling the sunovabitch, thrown the empty can at Sly, flipped him off, and then gave him the Stone Cold stunner, at which point we hear the Rock's theme song explode throughout the arena and he comes running to Sly's rescue, smacks Stone Cold around a bit, drops him with the Rock Bottom, then gives him the People's Elbow, and then... wait, I thought we were watching RAW now. Sorry.

Dolph Lundgren - Ivan Drago himself! The ravage Ruskie finally made it back to the big time! For the last 15 years or so, there's been a pretty neat debate floating around about who the better DTV (direct to video) star was: Dolph or Van Damme. Hell if I know the answer. I basically stopped watching both of them after Universal Soldier. Speaking of, Dolph basically plays the same guy as he did during the Vietnam intro to Universal Soldier. Does anybody play a giant sociopath better than Dolph? Not in action movies, no. It was nice to see him appear on the big screen again, even if he hasn't aged well, and he's pretty underused. I still wish he would have rumbled with Sly a bit, maybe even stating, "I must break you," but I guess we'll save that for the sequel.

Bruce Willis - He's probably the actor who appears here who has had the most mainstream success. He's done animation, comedy, drama, the whole nine. He has a cool cameo here as a CIA guy, but he's not around too much to really comment on one way or the other.

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Same to be said for him, too. The three Plant Hollywood guys' big scene together in quite short, but it's all we can ask for given the fact that Arnie is kind of governing a fucking state and all. It's nice to see Arnie onscreen again, and he plays off of Sly quite well. There's a great joke about his political aspirations, as well. I guess we'll have to wait for the incomprehensible scene between Arnie and Jet Li for the sequel, too. I'm pretty sure those two yelling at each other in shoddy English would have to win some sort of award.

Eric Roberts - Eric should hold onto this moment forever. It's probably the only time he'll ever be featured in a movie which outperforms one featuring his infinitely-more successful sister, Julia, on opening weekend. I don't know much about Eric Roberts, other than the fact that he plays a slimeball to perfection, but I assume Thanksgiving dinner at the Roberts' household this year will go something like this: Eric has a few too many cocktails and starts slurring to Julia, "Can we all fucking forget about Erin Brockovich already? Seriously, nobody gives a shit anymore! I was in The Expendables! I kicked your ass at the box office, bitch! Come to think of it, I was in The Dark Knight, bitch! You ever been in a Batman movie, Julia? No? Well, fuck you, fuck Pretty Woman, and fuck Mona Lisa Smile!" Poor Eric. At least he gets this one event to lord over his sister.

And that's it, really. I mean, I'm kind of speechless when it comes to actually discussing the movie. It's just a bunch of awesome action scenes punctuated by some scenes which are trying to build camaraderie and manliness. I'm sure Sly wanted to make the manliest movie ever, but that title still belongs to Ahnuld's Predator. Still, if you're anything like me, you'll want to see the movie for the action scenes. It's gruesome, violent, awesome stuff, and there's some pretty cool dudes, too. Now we can begin speculating on the sequel and who it will feature. I've got my fingers crossed for Wesley Snipes, Kurt Russell (please, please, please!), and Van Damme. Make it happen, Sly!