Fright Night

*****

Two Stars Out of Five 

This past weekend was one of failed remakes. Conan the Barbarian bombed at the box office, and while that wasn’t exactly a remake, per se, it shares its title with another film, and covers similar(ish) ground. Fright Night did even worse financially, which was a bit of a shock, really, as I expected it to be a hit with the teenage crowd who doesn’t know their mouths from their asses, and will pay shitloads of money involving anything with vampires and/or horror. All in all, it was a pretty sad weekend for remakes, but dorks and douche bags throughout the world are undoubtedly celebrating the fact that two films that attempted to “rape their childhoods” failed so miserably.

I’ve covered my feelings towards remakes in the past, so I’m not going to retread similar ground now. Instead, I’ll just actually try to objectively review Fright Night for all my fans. All two of you. Or one. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of my readers jumped from the sinking ship that is known as my non-start career in offering pointless opinions about movies.

But before I can start the review proper, a bit of history is in order. So put on your powdered wig, and let’s take a trip all the way back to… 1985. ‘Twas a time of antiquity. Motley Crue was ridiculously popular, hairy pubes were in vogue, bright neon-colored clothing was worn by all the hip kids, malls were heavily populated, and Twilight was but a twinkle in the eye of Stephanie Meyers. Horror movies were predictable (still are), and most of the genre films were horrible (still are, which is a right shame). Along came Fright Night, which hilariously played with genre conventions by tossing in some humor, intelligent subtext, and a witty twist to the whole Rear Window thing. Teenage Charlie spies his new neighbor up to no good (chances are when you just read “up to no good” you idiosyncratically started singing the rest of the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” theme song. No? Just me? Well, it’s better than singing myself to sleep every night with the “Growing Pains” theme). He’s quickly convinced that his handsome playboy of a neighbor is indeed a vampire. Lots of tomfoolery, malarkey, shenanigans, and rigamarole ensue. The movie, which had one of the best VHS covers in history, was awesome. As I mentioned, the film offered ample amounts of humor, poking fun at the genre is was lovingly embracing, and included some great subtext about closeted homosexuality (I’m looking at you, Evil Ed), and the inherent fears of a young adolescent discovering his sexuality and being threatened by a much more experienced, better looking adult. The film has only gotten better with age, and a remake seemed unnecessary, but since I enjoy Colin Farrell and horror/comedy hybrids, I was willing to give the remake a chance.

"Yeah, I know Miami Vice sucked. My bad."

Too bad, then, that it kind of sucked. If you’ve read my Conan the Barbarian review (and I just know you have), you’ll remember that I said that the worst kind of bad movie is the forgettable kind; the type that doesn’t do anything particularly memorable. Well, the new Fright Night is just such an example. The film doesn’t do anything that its predecessors haven’t done way better, and in trying to be a horror-comedy, it fails to succeed at either. Gone is the subtext from the original, and in its place is… well, nothing, really.

The film is just kind of void of any real personality. Any time it starts to pick up steam with a couple of funny one-liners or an interesting situation, it shifts to something else without maintaining any forward momentum. I really think the most exciting part of the entire movie for me was watching the Las Vegas skyline, which is unfortunate, because if I want that, I can watch “Las Vegas” reruns on TNT every day at 11 am and noon.

And, well, I guess I have a really weird pet peeve about the way Hollywood depicts high school. Maybe I went to a weird high school in which there weren’t really all that many bullies (none that I can even remember, actually), and that social circles weren’t strictly enforced. Yeah, the kids who played Magic: The Gathering generally stuck to themselves, but it’s not like they received beatings daily for playing a card game. In Hollywood, though, if you’re not banging a hot cheerleader, a football stud, have a $300 haircut, drive a muscle car, and smoke dope, you’re a square, and you’re going to get the living shit beaten out of you. The movie lost me really early on, because Charlie (Anton Yelchin, who is so-so) has turned his back on his best bud “Evil” Ed (McLovin – I’m not even going to type out his real name, since you know who that is) and their fun, geeky ways in order to climb the all-important high school social ladder. Charlie can’t even talk to Ed, for fear of facing scrutiny from his new friends, and that just wreeks of tired clichés. So, there are standard Hollywood high schoolers – the cool guys, the hot chicks, and the dweebs. And, y’know, just like real life, when the dweeb skateboards down the cool kid’s street, he gets beaten up. Makes sense, right?

Horrible clichés aside, even that would be okay if it were maybe played up a bit. Perhaps the film could focus on the subtext of being an outsider, of feeling alienated, and maybe even using that as a way to sympathize with Jerry (Colin Farrell, who is sufficient, but doesn’t do much to spread his thespian wings). But no. Instead, the film just keeps on chugging along, skipping from one spot to the next without developing the characters, or giving the audience much to care about. Charlie is dating a cute girl named Amy (Imogen Poots, which is arguably the weirdest name for anyone ever) and she has about as much character as the for sale signs populating Charlie’s street. She’s cute, though, so I guess that’s supposed to be enough. Charlie himself is pretty much a shithead. It was impossible for me to want to cheer for the guy, considering he abandoned his best friend and lifestyle all for a bit of the ole’ poon. But I guess you have to play by the Hollywood rules of high school, and nobody is going to screw a guy who hangs out with McLovin.

MINDFREAK!

Once the proverbial shit hits the fan, Charlie seeks out help from Peter Vincent (David Tennant, easily the highlight of the movie) who is a Las Vegas magician and supposed vampire hunter. His presence makes some sort of sense, considering how he’s portrayed, and the original Peter Vincent from the original Fright Night just wouldn’t have worked. In the original, Peter Vincent was the host of a weekly show which played old horror movies (think Joe Bob Briggs or Elvira, but older and clearly less buxom). Vincent is a cliché magician, equal parts Criss Angel douchebaggery and Russell Brand hubris, and he’s actually quite funny. But, of course, as soon as things start to get interesting with him, the story shifts quickly away from him, and we’re back in the dull shit again.

My two biggest gripes with the entire movie are this: the horrible special effects, and the utter lack of suspense. The vampire effects for Colin Farrell are simply bush league. I’m talking I Am Legend bad. I can’t, for the life of me, understand why filmmakers are so hesitant to use practical effects like prosthetics, but I guess that’s just where we are in society. It really looks like shit, though. And as far as the lack of suspense, I would have liked to have a bit more “is he actually a vampire?” type of dialogue between Charlie and everyone else, or even have him question himself at least once. Charlie is told Jerry’s a vampire, and minutes later, he’s sold on it. There’s nothing to make him question his sanity or anything, which is a boring shame. I get that they want to push the movie forward quickly, but it’s all just underway before it even gets much of a chance to get started.

I am supremely disappointed in this movie. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected so much out of it, but I did. It was reviewed quite well (74% on Rotten Tomatoes), and I heard from several peers that it was just brilliant. I wanted to like it – any time a movie portrays vampires as a threat and not pussified Twilight vampires, it instantly interests me – but I just couldn’t. Between the horrible clichés of high school students, absolutely no characters to give a shit about, no character development, and bad special effects, there just wasn’t there for me to like.

It’s a shame that this is probably going to be my last review for a while – school starts in a week – and the review just so happened to be for a movie that didn’t particularly tickle my fancy. But hey, I watch the shitty ones so you don’t have to, right? So, go ahead and do yourself a favor: track down the original. It’s damn great, and it’s light years ahead of this one.

G'bye!