Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part IV

Hey, dudes. I'm back with another entry. I know, I know. I'm prolific with this shit, ain't I? I'm like the Stephen King of sardonic Saved by the Bell recaps. I'm like Janet Evanovich, if, you know, I was a chick and had zero talent (I don't have much talent, but I swear to God, I'll fucking fist-fight anyone who says I have less talent than Janet Evanovich). The truth is, I just realized that I start student teaching in less than two weeks, and there are a slew of episodes that I want to get to before I find myself busy with real life and educating the youth of this great country. So I'm working my hindquarters off relentlessly for you, myself, the good of the nation, and the future of democracy. You're welcome. So I'm ramping things up a bit here. I'm attacking one of the episodes I've had in my crosshairs since this germ of an idea started to take seed itself in my mind grapes. I'm not climaxing, per se, with this episode, but I'm taking things up a notch from where I was before. Think of it as a sensual encounter with yours truly (unless we're related. In that case - ew). The first three episodes were gentle kissing. I may have accidentally rubbed up against your pectoral region and we both laughed at my foolishness and lack of body coordination. Now, though, I'm fiddling around with your undergarments. That bra you're wearing? I'm beginning to attempt to undo it. I just turned on some Keith Sweat. That's what this episode is in regards to a sexual liason; we've hit the awkward bra-undoing section to bodacious late-90's R&B. It doesn't mean we're anywhere near the finish line, but things are about to get exciting. I hope I don't disappoint you.

The bra in question here is a real classic of the show's run. It involves a subplot with slavery and white guilt. It involves Italian heritage. It involves an important track meet. It involves a pothead Indian who likes surfing. That's right, suckers. I'm talking about "Running Zack," the episode in which Zack discovers he has Native American heritage (fucking what???) and his entire life gets flip-turned upside down like Will Smith. Take heed, though. We're traveling perilous ground with this episode.  Zack, the most Anglo kid in television history, is given a Native American heritage. This is wrong for so many reasons. (Pretend I'm Criss Angel for this next sentence:) Are you ready?

The episode begins in earnest - with the entire school chanting Zack's name because he just won a race for the track team. Do you remember that Zack was a member of the track team? Of course you don't! Because it was never fucking mentioned before, and I'll be damned if it's ever mentioned again. That lack of continuity is unimportant here, though, because Zack just won a race, you guys. Even Slater is on board. You know when Albert Clifford is chanting your name you've accomplished something. The gang is at The Max and Screech tells Zack that he hasn't seen Zack run that fast since that time he stole Cindy Zepherelli's bathing suit. Kelly gets pissed about it for three seconds then moves on. I guess Lisa is on the track team, too. Because suddenly Lisa's an athlete (so is Jessie). She can't stay for burgers and shakes, though, because she has to research her family tree for a school project. It turns out Lisa is an ancestor of slaves. Shocker! Slater's ancestor was an asshole bull fighter. Jessie is reticent to reveal that her ancestors were slave traders because she has a black friend.

Zack and Screech research Zack's family history later on and discover that Zack has an Indian heritage. They deduce this because Zack found a photograph of an Indian and he vaguely remembers his mom telling him that they had a distant Indian ancestor. That's enough research for Zack, and his presentation is set. The next day, Lisa gives a presentation on her slave ancestors who helped others escape via the Underground Railroad, because even the gang's ancestors were the shit, too. Every single one of these people come from an amazing bloodline that spells success; not one of them had simple, hard-working middle-to-low-class ancestors who worked their asses off to put food on the table. They're all byproducts of historical badasses because of course they are. Jessie zooms through her presentation because her ancestors were slave traders and she feels absolutely horrible about it. She wants Lisa to punish her for the sins of her forefathers but Lisa isn't interested because it's 1990 and her only goal in life is to shop. It's an interesting dichotomy between Lisa and Jessie, as Lisa's past is riddled with pain and suffering (and triumph, too) and Jessie's is one built on the backs of slaves. A show concerned with, well, anything other than Awesome Zack's Awesome Life could capitalize on that, but they don't. Instead it's played for laughs (shitty ones to boot), and Jessie has an existential meltdown because she can't handle that her Rich White Ancestors did things that Rich White Ancestors were known for doing. What a dipshit.

I like her confidence. She's gutsy.

Zack doesn't have notes for his presentation, but if he did, I think they would only say this: "CIGAR STORE INDIAN," because that's basically what his presentation is - a stereotypical rendering of a Native American, filled with Screech's face painted and a toy hatchet (I had the same toy hatchet, guys). That's about it. It's offensive, but don't tell that to the class, because they think it's hilarious. Mrs. Wentworth is, thankfully, offended. Zack tries to explain that the only thing he could find is an old picture, but he neglects to tell her that that's all he looked for. Mrs. Wentworth don't take no shit from no one, though, and she hooks Zack up with an Indian to re-do his presentation.

Zack meets the Indian and is surprised that he's a normal human being who likes baseball. Zack wants to know if the Indian who looks like the Crypt Keeper learned to weave on the reservation because Zack doesn't understand that some Native Americans aren't stereotypical alcoholics or casino owners. Zack is given a stack of books from the Indian Crypt Keeper named Chief Henry (he's a stoner. Although it's never implicitly stated, you can tell that this guy smoked more pot than Johnny Dakota at a Storm Sutherland party) and takes them to Mr. Belding, who wants Zack to just get through with the stupid project so Zack can beat Valley in the track meet because track meets are more important than actual education. Fuck Mr. Belding. Dick tries to buy Zack some time but Mrs. Wentworth don't take no shit from no one, yo, and Dick doesn't comprehend that the teacher wants her student to learn, regardless of the fact that his continuing education might inhibit winning the track meet. At least there's one goddamn individual in the Bayside universe that cares about education. Too bad she's only in, like, three episodes.

"Fasten your drool cups, and ready your vomit bags!
We're going to the movies! Frights, camera, action!"
That's a quote from the Crypt Keeper. I've just
always wanted to use it.  

Meanwhile, at The Max (where else?), Jessie is trying to pay restitution to Lisa for the fact that her ancestors brutalized Lisa's. Lisa finally gives in and figures that having Jessie take her to the mall is payment enough for centuries of brutal torturing and dehumanizing an entire population of people. Progressive. Zack finds out his ancestor is in a history book so he goes back to Indian Crypt Keeper for more information. Chief Henry educates "Running Zack," Chief Henry's name for Zack because Zack runs, duh. Apparently, this is the first that Zack has heard of white people mistreating Native Americans and wonders why they just couldn't coexist peacefully in such a large country. This is shit Zack would know, of course, if he'd paid attention just once in the previous nine years of fucking history classes, but whatever. At least we get to hear Chief Henry say "A-rab" here. That counts for something. Chief Henry made Zack a headband last night because he has Mystical Indian Powers and knew Zack would be back.

This speaks for itself.

The next day, Screech gives his presentation about his Italian heritage with a stereotypical and offensive Italian accent. Mrs. Wentworth doesn't care about stereotyping Italians, just Native Americans, I guess. Zack shows up next and gives virtually the same presentation as earlier, only this time he is the one dressed like an Indian and the production values are higher. He also is proud to know of his past now, and that earns him an A. All is right in the world, and he can go kick Valley's ass, right? WRONG.

Turns out Chief Henry died and it's caused Zack to become a bit of a nihilist. He doesn't understand why Chief Henry would die, so there's no point to anything, up to and including the track meet against Valley. A Native American death just kind of helps with perspective a bit, don't it? Zack no-shows the big pep rally so Kelly goes looking for him at school, because based on what we know of Zack, we know he loves hanging out at school, right? Kelly finds him and Zack informs her that Chief Henry passed away that morning, and I'm not going to lie, I half-expected Kelly to ask who the hell Chief Henry is, because two days ago, Zack didn't give a shit about anyone but himself and he never mentioned Chief Henry to anyone.

That night, Zack is visited by Chief Henry in his dreams. Zack just doesn't know what to do with himself and Chief Henry tells him that the answer is in Zack's hands and makes a few silly one-liners about Nikes and being fitted for wings. It's stupid. Then he disappears back to heaven. Zack wakes up and finds the headband Chief Henry weaved for him in his hands. It's a painful sequence to watch because the acting is so bad and you just know Zack won't give a fuck about Chief Henry in nineteen hours.

Zack Morris invented fist-pumping.
All the more reason to hate him.

The next day at school, Jessie finally gets over her guilt for Lisa. Sadly, everyone is despondent because the world just sucks without Zack Morris's presence and there's no way Bayside can beat Valley without Running Zack around. But, thank Christ, Zack shows up in the nick of time and everyone shits themselves with happiness because the world has meaning again. Zack fires everyone up just by being there and they all run off to the track meet. The episode ends. We don't even get any fucking closure. Did Bayside finally beat Valley in track? Did Zack wear the headband when he ran? Did Lisa actually race? How come we never get to see Kelly or Slater present their family histories? Just how in the world did Chief Henry die? Was he murdered by Brett? So many lingering threads that are never addressed!

This episode is a fine example of a few major gripes I have with the show at twenty-seven: all the interesting shit happens off-screen, and there's too many loose ends. I'd fucking love to see Zack Morris run the mile against other people. I'd adore a scene watching Kelly and Belding and the gang cheering vociferously for Zack as he breaks the landspeed record. I want to see Slater bodyslam someone for outracing him. I want to see what Screech buys at the concession stand. Beyond that, the show is like Lost in that it introduces seemingly important facts and then never picks up on them. I'm twenty-seven years old, and I first saw this episode when I was five. That's twenty-two years ago, and I still don't have the answers I'm looking for. I'll never know for sure if Bayside beat Valley in track, and that hurts.

Do you know what Slater's hiding in his shorts?
NOTHING. You can see his dick.

You could probably make a pretty valid claim that I need to move on beyond the show and let it go, because, hey, it's just a show that was one twenty years ago and I need to grow up. And you'd have a good point there. But you know what? Fuck you. I want to know if Zack won that race. I want to know how Chief Henry died. And, goddammit, I want to know Slater's family history. It's established continuity that he's a Chicano (thanks to the College Years, I know this), and that he has a bull fighter for an ancestor. That's not enough. That doesn't explain why Slater is a world-breaker in sports. That doesn't explain why Slater is one of the best dancers ever. It doesn't explain his African-American jheri curl and The South Will Rise Again Mullet he rocks. I have questions that need to be answered, and these are way more important than knowing Zack's 1/40 Native American.