The Walking Dead - "Days Gone By"

*****
Five Stars Out of Five

When I heard that there were rumblings about adapting my favorite comic book to the small screen, I was as giddy as a tween at a Justin Bieber concert. I envisioned HBO or Showtime picking up the series, as I felt that there was no way basic cable could convey the violence, sexuality, language, and thematic elements from the comic book pages. Then, I heard that NBC might snatch the project up, and I got pissed. This lasted for all of 10 minutes, and then I found out it was being taken to AMC under the wings of Frank Darabont, the amazingly talented filmmaker responsible for The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. I felt comfortable knowing that my favorite book was in good hands, and I waited with excitement for the show to finally premiere on Halloween.

Oh me, oh my, was it worth the wait! Darabont and co. have done such an amazing job bringing the show to life on screen, and I can honestly say it feels like watching an R-rated film in episodic form. AMC has not held anything back - there are headshots, dismemberments, cursing, and blood - lots, and lots of blood. My only complaint about the show is that the first season is only six episodes long, which means that I'll have to wait another damn year for the second season to be unleashed. In the meantime, I've got a month left of all-new episodes to enjoy. 

The story is simple enough: Sheriff Deputy Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) is injured in a shoot-out and falls into a coma. When he awakens an indeterminate amount of time later (my guess is a few months), he discovers that the whole world has gone to shit thanks to a zombie plague. He returns to his home in hopes of finding his wife, Lori, and their son, Carl, but is disappointed to find the house is empty. After being attacked by a zombie, Rick is saved by Morgan (Lennie James) and his son. Morgan takes Rick in and explains what has happened while Rick has been unconscious. Rick then sets out to find his wife and son by heading to Atlanta, the area he believes Lori and Carl are most likely to be. Lori and Carl, meanwhile, are with Rick's partner, Shane (Jon Bernthal), along with other survivors. They are camping outside of the city, just trying to get by. Lori and Shane have developed a sexual relationship in the time Rick has been missing, as it is safe to assume that both of them thought Rick to be dead. 

The set-up is perfect for capturing human emotion, and Darabont - who directed the first episode - makes it clear that the show is about more than just zombies being decapitated. He, much like the writer of the comic book series Robert Kirkman, has used the zombie plague as a backdrop for the more intense character drama that will unfold as Rick makes his way back towards his family. Based on what I know from the comic book, Shane is not going to react favorably to Rick's return, as it signals the end to both Shane's leadership and his romantic tryst with Lori. Darabont has made it clear that he is straying away from the comic book story a bit, so I'm interested to see if Shane freaks the fuck out like he does in the comic, or if he's going to be a bit more subdued in his anger.
 
The best part of the first episode are the character moments - Morgan's attempt to kill his infected wife, juxtaposed with Rick putting a zombie out of her misery, is absolutely amazing. Morgan sees this soulless woman who used to be his wife, and he knows that the humane thing to do is to kill her, yet he can't bring himself to pull the trigger. Rick, meanwhile, tracks down a legless zombie, and before he shoots her in the head, he apologizes to her for what happened. It is a brilliantly moving scene, and it really puts the focus on the characters' troubles: it is harder to feel bad for the zombies than it is for the survivors, for they have to witness the world crumbling around them. 

That's not to say that the show skimps on the zombie action, though. I was genuinely freaked out when Rick was making his way down a pitch black stairwell with just a few matches. I was waiting for an attack to occur, and when it never did, I found my heart to be racing anyway. Then, when Rick makes his way into Atlanta, all hell breaks loose. His horse is devoured by a scourge of zombies as he finds refuge in a discarded tank. Again, I have to mention the amazing level of gore displayed here. We literally see a horse being feasted on by a horde of the undead. Good stuff!
The acting across the board is splendid. Lincoln is perfect as Rick Grimes, a man who is confused by what the hell is happening, but is determined to find his wife and son. Lennie James as Morgan is wonderful, and his few scenes stuck with me long after the show ended. I can't wait to see what the next five episodes have in store for me, and if the high quality of the show continues, this might very well edge it's way into my top five favorite shows ever. I just hope AMC doesn't cancel it due to low ratings, although the premiere was, by all accounts, a raging success. 
 

Let Me In

 *****
Four Stars Out of Five

I wanted to avoid this blog now that my new semester at school started. But, like a certain gay cowboy said to another gay cowboy, "I wish I knew how to quit you, Ennis." My blog isn't actually named "Ennis," but I decided to go ahead and roll with it, anyway. I was feeling a reference to a gay-cowboy drama, and frankly, I'm not going to let your homophobia interfere with a slightly out-of-date reference to a pop culture phenomenon. See, I've been busy educating myself, so I haven't had much time to devote to this splendid little blog. And, there hasn't been much quality cinema to be viewed lately, but since I love my audience of one so much, I will give you a rundown of the last few flicks I saw before I tackle head-on this new vampire flick I saw today.

The Last Exorcism was great. Four Stars. No bullshit.
Machete was even greater. Five stars. Duh.
The Town was really fucking good. Four stars. Affleck can direct.

There, glad we got that out of the way. Today, October 1st, marks a big day, not just because it marks the 39th anniversary of Disney World opening in Orlando, Florida, but also because both Let Me In and The Social Network found their way into theaters nationwide. I'll be honest, when I heard about both of those movies, I rolled my eyes like a hooker faking an orgasm in a cheap motel, because, really, why the fuck did anyone need to remake the amazing Swedish film, Let the Right One In, and why the fuck did David Fincher need to make a movie about goddamn Facebook? But I saw the previews for both, and, steadily, my interest in both films grew exponentially. I haven't yet seen The Social Network because I promised a friend (yes, I do have a couple of them) I would see it with him, but I had a chance to catch an afternoon showing of Let Me In, so I hopped at it. The creepiness of the movie was increased due to the fact that I was alone in the theater. Based on the amount of stars I've allotted the flick, I think it's safe to say I enjoyed it quite a bit.

As if you didn't already figure out from the paragraph above, Let Me In is a remake of the 2008 Swedish movie adaptation of Let the Right One In, an amazing movie in it's own right. When I'd heard that Hollywood had plans to remake the movie, I responded with expected cynicism: "Yes, let's take a great movie and neuter it by forcing it through the moronic Hollywood system. Great fucking idea!" was probably my initial reaction. I gained a little faith in the project once I heard Matthew Reeves, the director of Cloverfield (and potential new Superman helmer, which I'm hoping for), was signed on for the remake. Then, when I found out Chloe "Hit-Girl" Moretz was cast in the movie, I got a bit more excited. That is kind of funny, that a 13 year-old girl has already made such a name for herself that geeks the world over are singing her praises. So, when the initial previews came out, I was pretty impressed. The color palette was excellent, and it seemed a faithful remake of it's source material; the biggest difference seemed to be that this time I didn't have to read any subtitles.

The important thing to know going into the movie is that it's not exactly a remake. It's an adaptation of a novel, much like Let the Right One In is an adaptation. Instead of thinking "remake," which is kind of a toxic word in many filmgoer's minds these days, think of it as an adaptation, much like we view every different version of "Romeo + Juliet" as an adaptation. Reeves has succeeded in creating an excellent version of the story, changing a few things around and creating a bit more ambiguity at the end. He also excised certain subplots in order to make the movie flow more beautifully, electing instead to focus almost entirely on the relationship between Owen and Abby. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee) is a lonely child. He's 12, the age when life starts to feel like a never-ending kick in the nutsack. If the onset of puberty weren't enough to deal with, Owen also has to combat horrible bullies at school, and his parent's recent separation. He tries to cope with these issues in different ways, but considering he has no true support system, he tends to focus more on violent fantasies involving his tormentors at school. Then, one night, Owen spies his new neighbors moving in: a young girl his age and her father rent the apartment right next to him and his mother. Owen meets his new neighbor, Abby (brilliantly, and I do mean brilliantly, portrayed by Chloe Moretz), and she's a bit different. It's the middle of winter, but she doesn't wear any shoes outside. The first words out of her mouth to Owen are, "We can't be friends," to which a crushed Owen replies, "Who says I want to be friends with you, anyway?" Owen, a damaged young boy, wants nothing more than to connect to somebody, and this introduction doesn't help at all. Slowly, though, Owen and Abby begin to cultivate a friendship. At the same time, somebody is abducting and murdering certain townsfolk in a ritualistic fashion. Before long, Owen recognizes something is definitely off about Abby, and he eventually pieces together that she is a vampire.

Now, I'm not talking about a diamond-shining pussy vampire like we all know and hate from the Twilight series. Abby's vampirism is not glamorous, nor is it romanticized for one minute. There's nothing seductive about Abby's actions, and tweens the world over aren't going to fantasize about being this type of vampire. This is a relief to see in a mainstream film these days, considering vampires are the new sex symbols for the youngsters. I don't know how the fuck a 200 year-old vampire sucking blood and trying to bone a high school chick got sexy, but that's where we are as a society. I'm not going to sociologically dissect the issue, but know that it disgusts me, and with each passing day, I become more and more convinced that we're headed towards the apocalypse due to these stupid kids and their stupid sexy vampires. Abby is an animal when she needs to feed, and she does so in very gruesome fashion throughout the film. At one moment, she is a sweet, adorable kid befriending the weirdo next door, and the next, she's literally tearing chunks of flesh off of an unsuspecting jogger. It's creepy stuff which is enhanced by Moretz's outstanding performance.


The story, while relatively simple, is heartbreaking. Very early on, we see the type of hell Owen is living in; his parents are conspicuously absent - we never get to see his mother's face, which is certainly symbolic of her absenteeism as a parent - and he is tortured every day at school. At the tender age of 12, when a person's confidence is so flimsy, and that person wants nothing more than to fit in in some capacity, Owen is instead beaten and tormented by bullies at school. I generally hate bullies in movies, because their evilness is so cliched and overdone. The bullies in Let Me In tend to drift in and out of the cliches, but their actions towards Owen are so brutal and painful to watch that my heart literally pumped faster for Owen every time they appeared on screen. This alienation Owen feels allows him to let his guard down with Abby, a pretty young girl who appears to like him, even if it is only as friends. Owen is so hurt and aching for companionship that he is even willing to look past Abby's less-savory qualities, like being a vampire. Their relationship unfolds organically, and the connections formed between the two is convincing thanks to the splendid acting from the child stars. Near the end, an interesting development occurs, and it's hard to tell if Abby really feels for Owen, or if she's just using him for her own gains.


The cast is quite small, but the acting across the board is flawless. I've already sand Chloe Moretz's praises, and Kodi Smit-McPhee is amazing, as well. He brings the perfect amount of innocence to the role, and underneath the alienation, you can see he's developing a bit of a violent streak. The subtle actions and nuances these two young actors display are, in a word, stunning. I hope that they continue to hone their craft over the years, and I expect really big things from both of them if they can keep their noses clean (I mean that literally and figuratively) and avoid the pitfalls that so many talented young stars succumb to (Here's to you, Coreys, Lohan, Creepy Kid from The Sixth Sense, and Olsen Twins).


The aspect of the film I was most surprised by was the direction. Matthew Reeves proved he could handle character moments in his other film, Cloverfield, but he goes above and beyond here. He focuses so expertly on Owen and Abby that it's almost as if we are flies on the wall observing their blossoming friendship. Reeves also excels in the horror/action department, delivering several great sequences that both get the heart pumping and genuinely creep you out. There's a legitimately amazing car crash scene in the film that made my jaw drop. Other scenes don't skimp out on the blood and gore, either, for the gorehounds out there. It's refreshing to see a film balance the horror and softer character moments and splendidly as Reeves does here. Based on his two films to date, I wholeheartedly endorse him to direct the next Superman movie (and I know that counts for something). Reeves could have phoned this in; instead, he opted to create his own version of a story told twice already (once in prose, once on film). His vision is different enough from the other two to warrant it's existence, and he focuses on certain aspects of the story more intently than the others, which raises the question of whether or not there truly can be a definitive version of a story. Several people have complained that Reeves has changed the characters too much from their source material, that this is not what the author had intended for them. To those people, I say poppycock. Once a story is released into the world, it ceases to belong solely to the author (financially, it sure as shit belongs to the author though) and then becomes a story of the world, in which every interpretation is correct, and every emotion felt is equally as important. Reeves' interpretation is different, but man, is it fucking good. Check it out!

 

Ugliest NBA Jerseys Ever

I miss the NBA. I can't wait for the season to start. In fact, I miss it so much that I've been re-watching some old classic games lately to tide me over until NBA 2K11 comes out, and the season fully kicks off a couple weeks after that. I know that my team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, are going to take a few steps back this season and will almost assuredly be lottery-bound, but I still can't wait to watch what happens. I can't wait to see how much Kevin Durant has continued to improve, to see if Kobe can tie Jordan at six rings, to see if the Celts have enough left in the tank for one more ring, to see if the Heat can gel and prove me wrong. There are so many interesting subplots unraveling as the NBA season gets underway that my League Pass Broadband will most certainly be money well spent. So, in an effort to whet my appetite for more NBA goodness, I popped in a classic NBA DVD in last night and as I was watching the game, a thought occurred to me - "Man, those jerseys are fucking ugly." In an effort to maintain the suspense for all my (two) readers, I won't say what game I watched, because the team's jersey that ignited this idea is also the jersey that got the number one spot on my "Ugliest NBA Jerseys Ever" list. It's not a good list to be on, and luckily every franchise involved has since changed their jerseys for the better.

My criteria for the list is pretty simple: Ugly jerseys are ugly. Everybody who looks at one of these jerseys knows immediately that they're ugly. Sometimes it's the color(s); sometimes it's the logo/image; sometimes it's a combo of both. There is one NBA jersey that I instantly wanted to put on the list, but I couldn't because it was just so deliciously bad. It's so bad it's good, and I have a feeling that anybody that wanted to be ironic or funny could wear this jersey, and with the right amount of confidence and alcohol could get laid with it. I can't say that for the rest of the jerseys on this list. So, we'll kick this off with the SOBIG (So Bad It's Good) Jersey.

SOBIG Jersey: Toronto Raptors Jersey circa 1995

Look at that fucking thing. It's sheer greatness by way of child-like euphoria. Let's ignore for a moment that a basketball team has never won a championship with a hideous jersey before. Let's also ignore for that same moment that a team with a fucking dinosaur on it's jerseys has never won a championship. Instead, let's focus on how the hell this abomination could ever have seen the light of day...

In 1993, an NBA expansion franchise was approved for Toronto. This signaled the arrival of the first Canadian NBA team since the Huskies played in Toronto in the late 40's. Instead of retaining the Huskies name, which makes sense because Huskies are known for living in cold climates like Canada, the owners decided instead to opt for something new and edgy. The list of over 2,000 team names was eventually whittled down to a few gems (I use that term extremely loosely): Hogs, Raptors, T-Rex (what the fuck kind of name is that anyway? "The Toronto T-Rex?!" Is that even fucking plural???), Dragons, and Scorpions - because nothing is more Canadian than the desert-dwelling scorpion, right? Due to the enormous success of 1993's Jurassic Park, the owners settled on the Raptors. I guess I kind of get it - a team is convinced that they'll get 6-14 year old boys hooked on their team because a deadly, carnivorous reptile was featured prominently in a huge summer blockbuster that everybody with a pulse adored. It's still stupid compared to the Huskies, but I kind of get it. This was the same decade that spawned the number one hit "Macarena," after all.

What I don't get is the fucking idea for the jersey. I can just imagine some coke-addled marketing exec strolls into a boardroom and in front of the trustees unveils his idea: one of the most proficient, deadly predators to ever roam the Earth dribbling a basketball. And he's wearing basketball shoes. And a white uniform with a purple "R" emblazoned on it. The raptor is slightly anthropomorphous, as his talons are replaced with hand-claws, and instead of the evil glare of a hunting raptor, there's an expression on the raptor's face that indicates he's just walked in on his father sleeping with his wife. While dribbling a basketball. Above the traumatized raptor is the team's name in a font that hasn't been used since the title card to the 80's motocross classic Rad, and the player's number is hidden away to the side. Sounds good, right? Yeah, but it's not busy enough yet. "Can we somehow make it uglier?" an overly concerned trustee asks. "Yeah, make it purple. And throw some cocaine-like pinstripes on it, but make them jagged, 'cuz that's edgy. And we'll put some spikes above the player's name on the back of the jersey," the marketing exec proclaims while rubbing his gums with more coke. That's really the only plausible explanation I can come up with.

However, there's something just so hideous about the jersey that I love it. I've always been a fan of dinosaurs doing things I love, and this does have that, after all. It's just an idea that is so ridiculous that even in the 80's I think it would have been scoffed at. It's so bad it is actually cool. I don't have this jersey, but I really think if I did, I would have an easier time of getting laid on the weekends. This jersey has the potential to be like a Michael Jackson "Thriller" jacket - if it is worn confidently, it will attract people, and great conversations can ensue, and then great sex. Because that's how it works, right? Right?

Number Five: Mid-90's Atlanta Hawks

This isn't an entirely atrocious jersey, but it is nasty enough to warrant a spot on the list. There was a time during the 90's where it seemed like every franchise with an animal name needed to include that animal on their jersey for some reason - and that animal had to have a basketball in or around it's hands/claws. This is an example of just overdoing it. This is a fucking basketball jersey, not a goddamn prom dress - it doesn't need to be extremely complicated and full. The Hawk is band enough - it's a stupid image to begin with, just staring straight forward with it's beak slightly agape - but what really clinches it a spot on the list is the color scheme. It starts off red and ends black. I just don't get it. Were the Hawks really so bad that they figured they had to fuck with the opposing team's perception of vision in order to win? I don't know. But if that was their goal, then they did a great job.

Number Four: Late-90's Cleveland Cavaliers

It's no surprise that I'm a Cavs fan, but my fandom doesn't preclude me from recognizing a pile of shit when it's in front of me. The slanted "Cleveland" on the front of the jersey is bad enough - really, what's the point of slanting a word on a jersey, anyway? - but the real big issue comes with the lettering and numbering itself. The white letters aren't too bad - they're not in an atrocious font like the Raptors jerseys or anything like that - and they're big enough to be read clearly. Nope, the big issue comes with the orange lines inside the lettering and numbering. What the fuck is that about anyway? It looks like a six year old kid took an orange Crayola marker to the jerseys and started tracing all the letters and numbers from the inside. Then, of course, there's the blue stripe across the front and back of the jersey that looks like a Smurf wiped his ass with it. That's how bad the Cavs were in the late-90's: A smurf used their ugly-as-hell jerseys as toilet paper.




Number Three: Mid-to-Late-90's Detroit Pistons

This one is just frustrating for one major reason: there was nothing wrong with their jerseys in the first place! The franchise decided that the traditional red and blue jerseys were too awesome and thought they needed to ugly things up a bit after they got a superstar-in-the-making with Grant Hill. I don't know what it is with basketball teams and the color teal, but between the Vancouver Grizzlies, the Pistons, and now the Oklahoma City Thunder, you'd think that the color had some sort of hypnotic trance over opponents. I don't get how franchises could think that teal would be a good color for their teams. I just don't. It's an ugly color that doesn't impose any type of fear in anyone, aside from homophobic southern Baptists, and no self-respecting fan would be caught dead wearing one. This was also the era where a team had to put some sort of stupid logo on the front of the jersey, and so it was only logical to put a flaming bishop from chess on it. Because there's nothing gay about a flaming-anything surrounded by the color teal, right? I kind of get the bishop, as it's supposed to be a horse, and the whole horsepower thing attached to pistons, but it doesn't make it any less stupid. Poor Grant Hill couldn't escape his bad luck; first he had to wear this atrocity, then he went to Orlando and began falling apart like Humpty Dumpty.

Number Two: Late-90's-Early-2000's Milwaukee Bucks Alternate

I think that this jersey was only worn once or twice, because I don't even remember ever seeing it. I'm guessing that the team walked onto the opposing team's court with their heads hung low and trying to avoid any type of attention towards the creature on their chests. Once the opposing team got a glimpse of the jerseys, they started laughing and beat the Bucks by 46 points. The lettering is bad enough - white-to-purple lettering which is surprisingly hard to read - but the real clincher is that buck(?) underneath it. The coloring is just disgusting for starters, but once you look at the anatomy of the creature, it looks like they decided the buck on the team's logo just didn't look enough like the Loch Ness Monster for their liking. Maybe they were shooting for a fucking Brontosaurus? Who knows for sure? Either way, it's just gross and offensive to bucks throughout the world. The only aspect of the buck appropriately portrayed are the antlers, and even those are overlapping the letters above. It's a good thing these jerseys disappeared back into the bowels of Hell as quickly as they appeared. Had they stuck around, I probably would believe in the Earth ending in 2012.

Number One: Late-90's Utah Jazz

Because nothing exemplifies improvisational, cool-as-hell jazz like mountains, right? Everybody knows how jazz originated: A rich white dude climbed the mountains of Salt Lake City with only his trusty trumpet attached to his back. Once he reached the peak of the mountains, he started playing something so amazing on his trumpet that it turned the sky blue. That's where the jerseys come from. Either that, or jazz was developed by slaves in the 1800's alongside blues and slowly took shape over the next century and a half. But I'm pretty sure it was the first one.

The mountains are bad enough, as they look like they were designed by an 8th grade class on Microsoft Paint, but it's really the color that kills me. It's a weird mixture of gay-purple and suicide-purple; looking at the jersey makes me wonder if I'm gay and want to kill myself. I can only imagine the mental issues the players went through having to wear the fucking things. The jerseys almost explain Karl Malone's complete collapse in Game 1 of the '97 Finals - he blew two clutch free throws before MJ knocked down the game winner. I guess now I know why: right before he lined up to shoot free throw number one, he looked down at his jersey and started questioning his sexuality and lost focus on the game. Clank! There's really no coming back from that, is there? One wonders if Malone wouldn't be remembered as a choke artist quite so well if he only had a decent jersey on his back from time to time.

To make it even worse, the word "Jazz" emblazoned on the front of the jersey looks like it's speeding past the mountains due to the lines coming off the "Z" at the end. Even the fucking word was embarassed to be on the goddamn thing it was trying to run away! Growing up as a Jordan fan, I was infinitely relieved to see the Bulls would be playing the Jazz in the Finals, because I knew that there was no way in Hell that a team wearing those jerseys could ever win the championship. David Stern just simply wouldn't allow it. We'll end this little list by just taking a moment to appreciate the ugliest jersey ever. Look at this picture of Jeff Hornacek for a minute. Look at the expression on his face. It says, "Yeah, I know I look like James Woods at a San Francisco disco." Poor guy. It's one thing to lose two NBA Finals back-to-back, but it's another thing entirely to lose them wearing those things. I certainly hope the Jazz ownership shelled out the money for the therapy bills.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World

*****
Five Stars Out of Five

Every year summer rolls along and I spend much of my free time at the local cineplex - is that what you kids say these days? - and every summer I find I'm generally disappointed with most of what I see. I tend to only watch movies I know I'll like, and even the movies I do like often times fall much more flat than I imagine them to be in my mind. Sure, there are plenty of exceptions to that rule; Inception certainly comes to mind, as does Inglourious Basterds from last summer, and The Dark Knight the one before that. However, for every Inception there are five or six Iron Man 2's - you know, movies that aren't all that bad, but don't really live up to the hype you have built up for your head over the span of months of picking apart every trailer and TV spot you see. And then there are types of movies that you see previews for and are indifferent to. I call them "Meh" trailers, as they could go either way, and they're not on your must-see list. More often than not, I ignore those "Meh" movies and instead save my money (what little I have). Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World was certainly a "Meh" trailer, and even though I read and thoroughly enjoyed the graphic novels the film is based on and I absolutely love everything director Edgar Wright touches (I prefer his BBC show "Spaced" over the UK "The Office"), the trailer didn't exactly make me explode with excitement. So, on a whim Friday night, I decided to myself, "Fuck it, go see the movie or watch reruns of "Locked Up" on MSNBC." I am supremely glad I decided to go to this movie.

Let me preface this review by stating that I am the target audience for this movie: I'm a twenty-something kid (that's right, kid, not an adult; sorry, mom, I'm just not ready to move along yet) who recently had his heart broken and is struggling with getting older and taking on more adult responsibilities. I want the best of both worlds: I want to be able to buy booze, smoke cigarettes, and have all kinds of sexy sex without having to worry about adult issues like bills (so... many... bills), "personal accountability," or STD's. Much like the eponymous character of the movie, I'm a little boy stuck in an adult body. Beyond that, I was raised on pop culture; you know, video games (I fucking loved me some Sega Genesis, bitches), movies, music, and television. To take the bizarro similarities even one step further, I played bass in a band much like Mr. Pilgrim does in the movie. Christ, I feel like I might even be Scott Pilgrim... But I think that's part of the movie's charm: you relate to the characters, and you feel like it could be you in those shoes, even if what unfolds before you is so goddamn ridiculous.

Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is a pretty aimless 22 year-old Canadian who currently started dating 17 year-old Knives Chau (an adorable Ellen Wong). Scott's had a rough go of things lately: he shares a bed with his gay roommate Wallace Wells (Kieran Culkin, Macaulay's little brother) in their no-bedroom apartment, he recently got dumped by longtime girlfriend Nat who went on to form an insanely successful band, and he's playing bass in a struggling local band called Sex Bob-bomb (a great reference to those pesky bombs from the "Mario" franchise). His relationship with Knives is pretty harmless - they don't even hold hands, and they spend the majority of their relationship together at the record store or riding the bus - and it's clear that he's using her as a stepping stone to getting over his ex-girlfriend. But then Scott meets the girl of his dreams, Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who is probably my biggest Hollywood crush now), literally - she uses a subspace highway that passes through Scott's dreams in order to more quickly deliver goods for Amazon. He harasses her into going out on a date with him, and before they know it, they've entered into a relationship with one another. There's a catch, though. In order to continue dating Ramona, Scott has to defeat her Seven Evil Exes in battle. Scott's life starts to fall apart around him as he has to fight outrageous battles against douchey exes.

It's a pretty basic plot, but it's delivered in such a uniquely fantastical way that it works incredibly well. Edgar Wright has made such a loving flick to late 80's/early 90's video games and arrested development that it's clear that he and the cast had a blast making this flick. I wondered how Wright would handle the more fantastic portions of the film since he's dealt with smaller budgets in the past - Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, two of my favorite comedies ever were not expensive projects, but still fucking rocked - but he proved more than capable of using his genius in excellent fashion. The fight scenes are superbly choreographed and he sprinkles little gaming nuggets throughout, like boss battles with life bars, characters blinking red when they're on the verge of death (thanks, Zelda!), and defeated opponents exploding into coins. It's off-the-wall and unbelievable, but it works. Better than it should, as a matter of fact. I think part of the experience is how nonchalantly everyone handles it; the characters all act as if the occurrences are common-place, and that adds tremendously to the comedy. The film really could have faltered if the characters knowingly winked at what was unfolding on-screen, but instead Wright opts to play it straight.

The acting across the board is excellent, too. I don't know why I like Michael Cera, but I do. He's the exact type of actor I should hate, but I can't. He's quirky and awkward, but unlike Jesse Eisenberg, he makes it work for himself. He's almost always the clueless, underdeveloped kid in movies, but he shines here. Scott is a big of an egotistical prick who doesn't understand that his actions hurt others, and it's nice to see Cera act less like a humbled turd and instead a slacker who doesn't care if he hurts anyone around him. It makes his progress as a character more relatable and interesting. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is great as Ramona - she plays the character with just the right amount of distance and aloofness. It's a slippery slope to play a character like Ramona, because she could just as easily been a character most people hate, but she is totally believable as the girl Scott's crushing on. Kieran Culkin is hysterical as Wallace Wells, and Ellen Wong is just so damn cute as Knives Chau that you can't help but root for her. All of the evil exes are brilliant, too, with the highlight definitely belong to Brandon Routh's vegan-powered Todd Ingram. It's been interesting to watch Routh grow as an actor since he portrayed Superman, and he is so good here that I hope he somehow makes it back into the red and blue some day. A special mention must go out to Jason Schwartzmann as Gideon Graves, as he is such a tremendous douche that you can't help but love hating the guy. Schwartzmann has always oozed a certain douchiness, and he embraces it here to be the douchiest douce in Doucheville.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World is a movie that was made for my generation: the man-children who struggle with growing up and leaving behind the great things that made our youth so memorable. The movie embraces it's retro-vibes and keeps the laughs and action coming at a breakneck pace. I can't get over how much I loved this movie, and I think a lot of it has to do with how perfectly it encapsulates the inherent silliness of growing up and falling in love. It's a movie I will probably show my kids some day in the future when they ask what it was like to be younger. They won't get it. And neither will a lot of other people. But that's the point: the movie wasn't made for anyone else. It was made for me and people like me. Congratulations, Mr. Wright. You've done it again.

The Expendables

***1/2**
Three and a Half Stars Out of Five

There's a scene about halfway through The Wrestler in which Mickey Rourke's character, Randy "The Ram" Robinson, is in a bar with a stripper and they're listening to Ratt's "Round and Round." They are having a drink, and the two start reminiscing about the good old days of 80's hair metal. Then, The Ram says, "Then that Cobain pussy had to come around and had to ruin it all." The two then discuss what was so wrong about having a good time, and how much the 90's sucked. That basically sums up my feelings towards many action movies for the last decade or so. Maybe it was 9/11 that played the role of "Cobain," and had to suck the joy out of everything. Maybe it was the lack of uber-males like Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Maybe it was the choice to focus on fighting robots and other special effects spectacles instead of manly men doing manly things with manly weapons. I don't know what the specific "Cobain" it was that neutered action movies, but it happened nevertheless, and it hurt guys like me who grew up idolizing Commandos, Rambos, Running Men, and semi-professional arm wrestlers/truck drivers meeting their estranged sons for the first time.

Simply put, the action genre has been on life-support for quite some time. That's not to say that there haven't been good action movies in the last 15-20 years, because there have been. I loved the Bourne franchise, the new Bond movies rocked (especially Casino Royale), and some cool comic book adaptations have kept my thirst for action in check. But there aren't anymore movies made featuring alpha males who routinely dispatch nameless and faceless cronies by the dozen for a reason that doesn't matter. Sometimes it's just fun to watch bad guys get killed because they're bad. Luckily, this summer has seen a bit of a resurgence in paper-thin-plotted action movies with the likes of The Losers, The A-Team, and now The Expendables. I'll say right away that The Expendables isn't as much fun as The A-Team was, but it definitely takes the action to places that it hasn't been in two decades.

The Expendables is built around Sylvester Stallone's idea of combining the biggest action stars - past and present - in one over-the-top (Sly fans will get the pun) action spectacle. It features the three greatest action stars of the 80's - Sly, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger - on-screen together for the first time (the scene is only about three minutes, it's nowhere near as climactic as the scene in Heat featuring Pacino and De Niro, but it's still worth the price of admission to see the Arnie glaring at Sly and the two stars taking potshots at one another, if only for a few minutes). The scene, much like the movie itself, is a tribute to the fans who have made these men superstars over the years. This is an 80's action flick made in 2010, and it's a helluva lot of fun.

I'm going to skip a synopsis here and instead do something a bit different - I'm going to run down all of the stars in the movie, why they're in the movie, and why they kick ass. There's not much of a plot to write about anyway - it's an 80's action movie, after all - and it's just not important to the movie as a whole. What matters are the people in the movie, and the action. Oh, the sweet action.

Sly - the Italian Stallion is an icon. He's one of the few guys out there who is actually a great actor, but he decided over the years to apply his skill set to silly action movies instead of creating great films like the original Rocky. So what if he has had more Botox than Joan Rivers, or taken more steroids than that high school nitwit who wants to make varsity desperately badly! He's a man, damnit! Sly is one of the few icons still kicking it old school, and for that, he will always have a special place in my heart. He stars as Barney, the aging mercenary and leader of the Expendables, a crew that is apparently invincible and just love to kill dudes.

Jason Statham - Stick with me here: Statham is kinda like Karl Malone, minus, you know, the whole "Karl Malone is a huge dick" thing. They're both great at what they do, but neither of them can really carry franchises. They're great second fiddle dudes, as Statham shows here. He's great as Lee Christmas (such a funny name for a bad-ass), and his charisma helps make him likable. Also like Malone, he refuses to go fully bald, instead riding the wave of male pattern baldness like a champ. If he continues to follow Malone's career trajectory, expect him to go fully bald within the next four years, and then a few months after that, Kobe Bryant will accuse him of trying to fuck his wife.

Jet Li - the diminutive Asian is slightly under-used here. It's kind of a good thing though, since his English hasn't improved since 2000's Romeo Must Die, his first American movie. As an aside, I remember watching Romeo Must Die in theaters after a track meet in 8th grade with my brother (it was that or American Psycho, we fucked up) and thinking it was the best movie ever made. DMX was in it, and Jet Li fucked Anthony Anderson up with a fire hose! That movie was a good bookend to a solid 8th grade which included a lot of sexual firsts. My freshman year of high school would be a huge disappointment, as I don't recall seeing any Jet Li movies in theaters, and I know I went almost a full year without making out with a girl (sigh). Either way, Jet brings some cool kung fu action to the table, and even if his dialogue was forced and quite often unfunny, he was a cool addition.

Mickey Rourke - there's not much Mr. Rourke can't do right these days. He elevated Iron Man 2 from an over-stuffed sequel to a must-see due to his (criminally underused) Ivan Vanko. He's great here as Tool, the retired Expendable whose tattoo shop still serves as the unofficial meeting place for the guys. The only scene in the entire movie which has any dramatic weight belongs to Rourke, and he knocks it out of the park. He doesn't appear too much in the flick, but you can tell he's got a real rapport with Sly and company, and his appearance alone makes the movie better.

Terry Crews - the Old Spice maniac doesn't do a whole lot here. I've never been a big fan of Crews, as he's generally overacted in everything I've seen him in, but those Old Spice commercials where he screams psychotically for 30 seconds won me over. He's basically here to take a few shots at Jet Li's size and blow shit up.

Randy Couture - what does a UFC-retiree do when he's all punched out? Become an action star, I guess. I've basically stayed away from the whole MMA-craze, so I don't know anything about Couture aside from the fact that he's probably capable of ripping somebody's arm off and beating him to death with it. He also has a very small role in the flick, but he does have a cool-as-hell fight scene with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

"Stone Cold" - the retired WWF star (I refuse to call is WWE, so there) is decent as an evil henchman. He doesn't do much except shoot guns when called upon, or punch people in the face when he needs to. He does both well. I really wish at one point he would have just grabbed a can of beer, started guzzling the sunovabitch, thrown the empty can at Sly, flipped him off, and then gave him the Stone Cold stunner, at which point we hear the Rock's theme song explode throughout the arena and he comes running to Sly's rescue, smacks Stone Cold around a bit, drops him with the Rock Bottom, then gives him the People's Elbow, and then... wait, I thought we were watching RAW now. Sorry.

Dolph Lundgren - Ivan Drago himself! The ravage Ruskie finally made it back to the big time! For the last 15 years or so, there's been a pretty neat debate floating around about who the better DTV (direct to video) star was: Dolph or Van Damme. Hell if I know the answer. I basically stopped watching both of them after Universal Soldier. Speaking of, Dolph basically plays the same guy as he did during the Vietnam intro to Universal Soldier. Does anybody play a giant sociopath better than Dolph? Not in action movies, no. It was nice to see him appear on the big screen again, even if he hasn't aged well, and he's pretty underused. I still wish he would have rumbled with Sly a bit, maybe even stating, "I must break you," but I guess we'll save that for the sequel.

Bruce Willis - He's probably the actor who appears here who has had the most mainstream success. He's done animation, comedy, drama, the whole nine. He has a cool cameo here as a CIA guy, but he's not around too much to really comment on one way or the other.

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Same to be said for him, too. The three Plant Hollywood guys' big scene together in quite short, but it's all we can ask for given the fact that Arnie is kind of governing a fucking state and all. It's nice to see Arnie onscreen again, and he plays off of Sly quite well. There's a great joke about his political aspirations, as well. I guess we'll have to wait for the incomprehensible scene between Arnie and Jet Li for the sequel, too. I'm pretty sure those two yelling at each other in shoddy English would have to win some sort of award.

Eric Roberts - Eric should hold onto this moment forever. It's probably the only time he'll ever be featured in a movie which outperforms one featuring his infinitely-more successful sister, Julia, on opening weekend. I don't know much about Eric Roberts, other than the fact that he plays a slimeball to perfection, but I assume Thanksgiving dinner at the Roberts' household this year will go something like this: Eric has a few too many cocktails and starts slurring to Julia, "Can we all fucking forget about Erin Brockovich already? Seriously, nobody gives a shit anymore! I was in The Expendables! I kicked your ass at the box office, bitch! Come to think of it, I was in The Dark Knight, bitch! You ever been in a Batman movie, Julia? No? Well, fuck you, fuck Pretty Woman, and fuck Mona Lisa Smile!" Poor Eric. At least he gets this one event to lord over his sister.

And that's it, really. I mean, I'm kind of speechless when it comes to actually discussing the movie. It's just a bunch of awesome action scenes punctuated by some scenes which are trying to build camaraderie and manliness. I'm sure Sly wanted to make the manliest movie ever, but that title still belongs to Ahnuld's Predator. Still, if you're anything like me, you'll want to see the movie for the action scenes. It's gruesome, violent, awesome stuff, and there's some pretty cool dudes, too. Now we can begin speculating on the sequel and who it will feature. I've got my fingers crossed for Wesley Snipes, Kurt Russell (please, please, please!), and Van Damme. Make it happen, Sly!

Best Basketball Movies of All-Time

I'm in a sporting slump. The NBA season is over, I'm getting past Lebron James' defection to the Miami Heat, the World Cup ended unceremoniously, and the NFL season is still two months away. Sure, there's always MLB and MLS to follow, but I would rather drill a hole into my own head than watch either of those. Baseball is about as much fun to watch as "Two Girls and One Cup", and MLS has less excitement in it than the Rodney Dangerfield-classic Ladybugs. That doesn't leave me with much to occupy my time these days, and I thought about counting down my favorite basketball games of all-time, but the wound Lebron tore open is still too raw (his 48-point demolition of the Detroit Pistons in '07 would have certainly been on the list). That, and I'm too lazy to track down two of the games I want to watch - those games are Detroit-LA Game 1 from 2004, and MJ's 55-game eruption at MSG when he was still wearing number 45. If you're at all curious, the other three games I would include are the Bulls-Suns Game 6 from the '93 Finals, Cavs-Pistons ECF Game 5 from '07, and the Sixers-Lakers Game 1 from 2000. Best games ever? Nope, not really, but they were some of my favorites ever, and I'll never forget what I was doing when I watched them for the first time.

Instead, I'm opting to choose my five favorite basketball movies ever, and one extremely honorable mention. I'll give a rundown of why I love these movies, and why they are great examples of the sports movie. They're all pretty cheesy, in the end, and are awfully formulaic. They do, however, hold a place in my heart because they are fun. So, without further ado, let's get this show on the road.

Honorable Mention: Space Jam (1996)

You all remember this gem, don't you? How is it possible to not? It's a movie that features MJ, the GOAT, playing alongside the Looney Tunes in an effort to save them from a sleazy cartoon monster voiced by Danny DeVito. It was a hit when it was released - I saw it onThanksgiving in '96, and owned it on video - proving that, at the time, Jordan was a God. He was able to star in a crappy movie with cartoon characters and make it a hit. Everything about the movie is bad - R. Kelly's song "I Believe I Can Fly" and Quad City DJ's "Space Jam" from the soundtrack are wretched - except for the highlight reel from Jordan's career during the opening credits, yet the movie has a certain lovable quality that I can't ignore. Maybe it's Charles Barkley, the Round Mound of Rebound, losing his skills and promising God that, if he gets them back, he'll never date Madonna again. Maybe it's the alien who steals Barkley's game looking like a slightly fatter, more orange version of Barkley. Maybe it's the hilarity of Shawn Bradley being considered an elite player, which is unbelievable even in a world in which the Looney Tunes exist. Or, maybe it's Bill Fucking Murray showing up to save the day. I don't know, and frankly, I don't give a shit. All I know is that this movie is a testament to Jordan's unparalleled skills as a basketball player and businessman (although it is clear that he cannot act out of a paper sack), as the most marketable athlete to ever live. And, in spite of all of the film's shortcomings - of which you could fill a book with - there is a nice little message at the end that did a good job of summing up Jordan's love for the game: when you love something so much - as MJ does basketball - then you just can't keep away from it. Incidentally, that same message was conveyed years later in the homo-erotic drama Brokeback Mountain. I don't know what to make of that, but all I know is this, Space Jam: I can't quit you.

Number 5: White Men Can't Jump (1992)

An oft-forgotten gem from the early 90's, White Men Can't Jump looked and acted like an 80's buddy flick. Just look at the bright, faux-neon-clad Wesley Snipes in the poster. This is, in and of itself, surprising, considering it was made around the same time Rodney King got the living shit smashed out of him by racist cops, and the flick deals with race issues in LA, albeit comically, yet it was still a hot-button issue at the time. There are some genuinely cool moments of street hoops to be found here, and nothing tops Woody Harrelson's white-as-shit jumper and being dogged by Snipes throughout the movie's run time for being like Greg Brady. In between the hoop scenes, there is really some good banter between the two leads, and the outfits... well, just look at that tank top and hat Wesley's wearing in that poster again. It's a criminally underrated flick that, I contend, gave birth to the saucy, sassy, fast-talking Latina that Rosie Perez has made a career off of, and deserves more attention than it ever receives. Woody and Wesley did a great job of learning the sport of basketball, and they look pretty damn convincing hoopin' it up on the sun-baked courts. The ending is also great; in spite of the title, Woody proves that white men can indeed jump.

Number 4: He Got Game (1998)

If you know who Spike Lee is, then you know he loves basketball. Therefore, it's really no surprise that he would eventually make a basketball movie with Denzel Washington, whom he also loves. The real surprise comes from Ray Allen, the real-life Hall of Famer who portrays Jesus Shuttlesworth as a high school phenom who could make the jump to the pros if he wanted to. Underneath all of the basketball, there is a story there about redemption - Denzel plays Ray-Ray's imprisoned dad who is trying to win back his son's affection after pushing his son so hard to be great, and accidentally killing his mother - but it all takes a backseat to the top-notch basketball sequences that Denzel and Ray both shine in. Early on, there's a scene which shows Jesus shooting jumper after beautiful jumper that hit nothing but net every time. Lee's love of the game is easy to see whenever there is a game played, but he has a few missteps when trying to show the temptation young Jesus is experiencing when he visits random colleges. There are several sex scenes in the flick, and all of them fall flat. I'm no prude, but seeing Ray Allen fuck a chick on a ferris wheel is something I never thought I'd see, nor did I ever expect to see him have a threesome with two huge-breasted white women. It's moments like these that Lee's detractors get their ammunition: he focuses on race a bit too much from time to time, and while I understand the importance of it, he sometimes relays the information in a fashion that is just a bit too hamfisted for my liking. I get that race issues are important, but he doesn't have to beat us white folk over the head with a hammer so that we get it. Yet nothing detracts from the awesome sequences of ball played, and the soundtrack from Public Enemy is spot-on.

Number 3: Above the Rim (1994)

It's a pretty stupid fucking movie, I know, but I just can't not love it. The opening sequence lets you know you're in for a stupid ride from the get-go: two stud basketball players on a roof-top court without a fence (!?!) seeing who can hit a higher point on the backboard. One of them inexplicably jumps too far with too much power and in the process breaks the backboard and falls off the fucking roof to his death. The survivor, Shep (played by Leon, the star of the best bobsledding movie ever made - tough title to grab, by the way - Cool Runnings) can't handle the guilt and gives up on basketball in order to be a janitor. Years pass, and the school Shep works at has a promising young baller named Kyle (Duane Martin) playing there. The problem is, Kyle is like Kobe Bryant circa 2005 - he doesn't give a shit about his teammates, and thinks that he can carry a team to victory on his own (basketball movie no-no). The lure of the hood, fame, and notoriety leads him underneath local gangster Birdie's wing (see what I did there?). Birdie (Tupac "Am I Dead or What?" Shakur) is getting together a basketball tournament and recruits Kyle to lead his team. Shep reaches out to Kyle, but is shunned. Guess what happens? Kyle learns he was wrong, and he and Shep take down Birdie's thugs in the tournament finals in amazing fashion. The film has more cliches than I can count, and the acting varies from tolerable to abysmal, but there are some good basketball scenes, and the flick doesn't try to be anything more than what it is. The ending is pretty good, too, as Kyle becomes Kobe Bryant circa 2010 - a natural, talented leader who vocally commands his team and appreciates them. My only complaint? We don't get to see Kyle's "Kobe Bryant Rapes a Chick" character arc. Oh well, I'll always hold out hope that we'll get a sequel entitled "Above the Rimjob: Kyle Rapes a Chick's Butthole."

Number 2: Hoosiers (1986)

What? Hoosiers isn't number one? How can that be? The answer is simple: it's because, no matter how great this movie is, it pales in comparison to the number one movie (I'm not spoiling it yet). What we get here is rare in any sports flick: one in which the characters are believable, sympathetic, and interesting. It's the story of a disgraced coach (Gene Hackman) who gets a second chance by coaching a local team. Through standard movie-coach cliches like hard-nosed, no-nonsense coaching, yet deep-down affection for his players, he turns them into contenders for the State title! It's a great movie about teamwork and second chances, and every kid who loves basketball has no doubt seen this movie numerous times. If you haven't ever seen this movie before, what the hell are you waiting for? It's excellent in almost every way, and even though the basketball scenes lack the oomph of those from He Got Game or even White Men Can't Jump, the story elevates it above those movies.

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Number 1: Teen Wolf (1985)

A lot of great and important things happened in 1985, like New Coke being released and failing miserably, Gorbachev becoming the last president of the USSR, the original Nintendo be released, "We Are the World" being recorded... Yep, all of those moments occurred in the calender year of 1985, but all of them are eclipsed by only two events from that year: the first is the birth of yours truly, and the second is the release of stone cold fucking classic Teen Wolf. You are probably thinking to yourself right now, 'Whatever, it's about a fucking teenage werewolf, what can it really be about?' My answer is simple: It's about everything. It's about love, growing up, coming to terms with who you are and embracing it, teenage popularity, puberty, basketball, realizing who your true friends are, understanding life is about more than nailing the hot blonde during play practice (to be fair, life's not about much more than that), the importance of teamwork, and, oh yeah, a teenage fucking werewolf who hood-surfs to the Beach Boys and plays varsity basketball! This movie has it all, ladies and gentlemen. And in the end, it's all about basketball.

Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) is a short little pipsqueak trying to fit in with the cool kids and play some varsity basketball. He wants to be popular, he wants to kick ass at basketball, and most importantly, he wants to be inside Pamela Wells, the school's "it-girl" and all around beeyotch. Sadly, poor Scott can't do any of those things while he's stuck being a nerdy, short fella who pals around with Stiles (the film's token "cool guy") and Boof, the oddly attractive girl who's heart belongs to Scott, although he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. Then, one night, something special happens: he transforms into a werewolf! Turns out, his family has been cursed with lycanthropy - although I don't believe that word is ever uttered in the film - and he, understandably, freaks out after learning as much. He gets over that angst rather quickly, and when he "wolfs out" at school, he's initially looked upon as a freak (no shit, he's a fucking werewolf!) but is then quickly embraced by the student body for being so bad-ass at hoops. Turns out that Scott is infinitely better at everything as a werewolf than he is as a boring, run-of-the-mill human (and when I say everything, I mean it... the tender subject of bestiality is somehow avoided in the movie, although I know for a fact some bitches were fucking wolves). He turns around the shitty basketball team and they become contenders for the state championship, and Scott's head begins to expand greatly. He starts alienating his teammates on the court, often going 1-on-5 in an attempt to win over the fans as they win their games handily. The team is on the precipice of greatness, but Scott's teammates are miserable. How can they enjoy themselves and their victory if they're not doing anything to positively affect the outcome? They are sick of playing with a teammate who cares only about personal glory, not the joy of winning (or losing) as a team. In order to truly succeed, Scott must recognize that, win or lose, the game's about more than personal accolades. It's about teamwork.

The drama of the game is on full display here, and never has there been anything that has so prophetically captured the drama of being a me-first guy on film. I hate to bring it up again, but this is classic Kobe Bryant circa 2006 again: an immensely talented player who recognizes his supporting cast is made up of shitty players (for Kobe, he had Smush Parker and Kwame Brown, Scott Howard had some fat fucker. Worse teammates? Kobe), and instead of working hard to make them better, said player goes for personal glory and tries to win it all on his own. Scott, like Kobe, eventually realizes this, and in the big game, he plays as a plain ol' human, not as a werewolf. It seems stupid to compare a teen comedy like Teen Wolf to actual NBA players, but it's alarmingly accurate as a portrayal of NBA hotshots. It happens far too often for me to believe that there are still some stupid headcases out there who don't recognize the importance of teamwork and unity. I really think that every lottery pick or franchise player who thinks he's that good that he can go it alone should have to watch this film over and over until they learn their lesson.

Yeah, Teen Wolf isn't high cinema, and it will never win any awards, but it is a great movie about not only basketball, but life as well. While it tackles the hard-hitting issue of being a ball-hog, it can also be viewed as an allegory for puberty - getting hair in weird places, all the physical changes, wanting to bang the hot girl all the time - as well. Don't ignore the movie just because it has a teenage werewolf who makes the Harlem Globetrotters look like five year-olds playing on a Nerf hoop. Don't do that. No, let it take you over, and embrace the joys of watching a werewolf do stupid shit.

Inception

*****
Five Stars Out of Five

There is really no easy way to start this review. I generally try to come up with some droll comment that proves how funny, hip, and edgy I am. Today, I can't. I think it's partly because I'm a wreck of a person, and I think it's partly because, no matter what I say, it will never ever be as hip or edgy as the film Christopher Nolan has just released upon the masses.

Once every ten years or so, there is a film released that is wholly unique in it's vision; a film so intensely intelligent that you suddenly ask yourself why you've been slumming it with the Transformers movies, the Iron Man movies, or, heck, pretty much everything else being released in the multiplexes these days. That's not to say that those movies aren't enjoyable or fun (I tend to re-watch those movies quite a bit, as a matter of fact), but sometimes there's just something that's so much better out there that we get to see what the medium of film is truly capable of. Today, I got to see a movie that truly reminded me of what movies are capable of. Today, I had the privilege to view something so truly special that it would be impossible to capture in any other medium and have the same powerful effect on me. That movie, of course, is The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Just kidding. I will never watch that pile of shit! I'm talking about Inception, a movie that I find is incredibly hard to write a review about, because there are no words I am capable of compiling into a coherent sentence that can relay how special I found it to be. I am going to try, really, really hard, to somehow convey the way I feel about this movie, but I am afraid I will fail miserably. I apologize ahead of time.

So, what do you do for an encore after you've constructed the finest comic book adaptation to date? That's the conundrum Christopher Nolan found himself in in the wake of The Dark Knight's enormous success two years ago. By creating something that became a pop culture phenomenon, and crafting a film that expertly blended crime noir with superheros in capes - not to mention directing one of the finest performances in years from the late Heath Ledger - Christopher Nolan painted himself into a bit of a corner. How was he going to be able to come up with another movie that would somehow meet the exceedingly high bar he set for himself with The Dark Knight? Well, the simple answer was he went out and made a movie he'd been working on for 10 years (rumor has it that he started writing Inception when he was directing the mind-fuck classic Memento). I applaud Nolan for this, because he could have played it safe. He could have went right to work on a sequel to the Batman franchise he resurrected from the grave and nobody would have criticized him for it. Instead, he made it hard on himself by deciding his next picture was going to be Inception, a movie which, if not mind-blowingly awesome, would allow him to be crucified on various internet message boards as a pompous ass who bit off more than he could chew, instead of simply giving the fans what they wanted so badly in the form of another Batman flick.

Inception introduces the viewer into a world where certain people have discovered ways to invade our dreams. The goal of the invaders? To steal valuable information for high-priced bidders. The invaders are involved in a sort of corporate espionage where the goal is to infiltrate a person's dream and then extract valuable information which will pay them handsomely. The film doesn't pull any punches, starting off in the middle of a dream. Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Arthuer (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) are two "dream thieves" attempting to steal information from a powerful individual named Saito (Ken Watanabe). When the extraction hits a snag, Cobb and Arthur attempt to hide from their would-be victim, only to be lured into a more insidious, infinitely more dangerous invasion. Saito wants them to plant an idea into Robert Fischer's (Cillian Murphy) mind. Sounds simple enough, right? But that's not all, in order for this "inception" to occur, the men must make the idea appear to be one of the victim's own thinking, otherwise the idea won't take full effect. The two men then get together a crew of individuals who are able to help them accomplish this goal including Ariadne (Ellen Page), Eames (an outstanding Tom Hardy), and Yusuf (Dileep Rao). The process then unfolds in an amazingly intricate, exciting fashion which is punctuated by one of the best endings in recent memory that will leave people talking for days.

I've attempted to be intentionally vague about the plot, giving the barest-bones synopsis I possibly can in order to preserve the joy of discovering this world for yourself. If I had to describe the movie in only a few words, I would say that it is the first (and likely only) metaphysical heist flick ever made. Nolan and co. do a tremendous job of creating a world where it is possible to enter someone else's dreams, and they do an even better job of organically explaining the rules of this world. With such a high-concept idea as this, it would be easy to screw up and alienate the viewer rather quickly. Instead, Nolan perfectly balances the high-wire act by infusing some amazing action set pieces (that hotel hallway fight scene was incredible), trippy visuals like Paris folding in on itself, interesting characters, and an easy-to-follow-hard-as-hell-to-describe narrative. There's a great sequence early on in which Cobb recruits Ariadne, a woman who has no idea that entering into a person's subconscious is even possible, to his cause. Ariadne brilliantly functions as both an interesting character and a proxy for the audience. She knows as little as we do about this world and it's capabilities, so we get to learn as she does while Cobb explains what is possible, impossible, improbable, and likely to occur in dreams. What could have been a ham-fisted approach which quickly stops the narrative in it's tracks instead becomes a visual feast that did a few things I didn't think were possible in cinema.

Simply put, Nolan has become one of the best directors working in film today. He brilliantly blends high-concept intelligence with characters we give a shit about and amazing action sequences. I can't even think of another director which closely resembles his style - he's not like Spielberg who is the king of popcorn entertainment; he not like Scorsese who can blend every cinematic style throughout the ages to capture the psyche of damaged (and often unsavory) characters; he's not like Tarantino who wants nothing more than to pay the ultimate tribute to film while displaying some of the best dialogue ever heard. He's a wholly unique talent who is confident in his abilities, and also in the intelligence of his audience. He refuses to dumb down his ideas for the audience, and he revels in the ambiguity he leaves them with. He's like the Bizarro-Michael Bay - where Bay only cares about having as many explosions as possible surrounding his one-dimensional characters who are generally as likable as rolling around in poison ivy, Nolan wants us to feel for his characters, to try to understand who they are, and how they came to this point. Michael Bay's filmmaking has a place in the world - there are always going to be people who want to turn their brains off to watch giant robots battle superficially - but it is just disposable. It doesn't challenge you like Nolan's films do, and that's the biggest surprise of all: to watch an exciting, challenging film that has amazing action scenes and even more amazing ideas blended perfectly together is something seen all too rare these days.

The cast is, in a word, exceptional. Leonardo DiCaprio continues to impress as Cobb. Starting with Gangs of New York and Catch Me If You Can in 2002, DiCaprio began to show how talented of an actor he truly is. Like most guys my age, I hated the guy when I was younger because of his role in Titanic, and how every girl within a 300 mile radius of me wanted to bone him, but he's really become one of the best actors of his generation. He acts with his entire body, and there is a scene in Inception in which he really flexes his acting muscles by making him a truly sympathetic individual. Over the past eight years, DiCaprio has grown into a must-see actor, and his role in this only cements his reputation as an absolute marvel in the medium of film. It is no surprise that Scorsese has taken to him like he did to Robert De Niro in the 70's. Then there's Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Arthur. JGL (which is how I will refer to him from now on because his name is a pain in the ass to type) has been a critic's darling for years now, and he's finally going to get some well-deserved recognition in the mainstream. He should really become a hot commodity now, and it couldn't happen to a better actor. He has a cool confidence about him that makes him likable and believable as a bad-ass like Arthur. I've never been a big fan of Ellen Page, mostly due to her role in the hipster douche-fest Juno from a few years back. She was the embodiment of everything I hate about hipster-douches in that film, and she had an uphill battle to win me over. She hasn't done so completely, but her role as Ariadne is a big step in the right direction. The biggest surprise from the cast easily comes in the form of Tom Hardy who plays bad-ass extraordinaire Eames. I've never seen him act in anything before, and he was the highlight here as he deftly combined the physicality his role demanded and a cocky sense of humor in which he belittles Arthur at every opportunity. I expect big things from him, as well. The rest of the cast is filled with recognizable names and faces like Michael Caine, Ken Watanabe, Cillian Murphy, and Tom Berenger (!).

Overall, I can't say much else about the film than has already been said. It's a special kind of flick that only comes along once in a blue moon, and I sincerely hope that it receives the attention it deserves. Christopher Nolan has developed into a wholly unique filmmaker who is capable of such greatness that I can't think of another director from his generation that has made as many great films as he has. Inception was great on every level, and I cannot think of any conceivable fault that it had in weaving it's story. I loved every moment of it. I can't wait to see what Nolan's career produces next, and I will be there opening day for it whenever that happens. But first, I need to go see this fucking movie again.