Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part VIII

We're hitting the home stretch. I'm running out of time. I'm like Johnny Depp in the movie Nick of Time. My three favorite episodes of the show are "The Wicked Step-Brother" parts one and two and "Jessie's Song." My goal was to get to ten of these entries before I say good-bye for a long while (I might post some other things here and there, but I can't maintain this level of dedication to a 1990's sitcom about high school kids much longer). With that goal clearly in sight, I was just going to get these three episodes done and move on with my life. I think twenty years is long enough to devote to the gang. And once I hit that tenth recap/whatever, I though I'd be able to finally close that chapter of my life. I'll be ready for a new show to take hold. I'm thinking California Dreams or Hang Time (I've always loved Reggie Theus) but I'm not committing myself to anything. There's a chance Brotherly Love might sneak in. I don't know. We'll see.

The problem is, though, that I saw some rather diminishing returns on the eyes on this thing. So this might be the last one I do. It wasn't my intention to end this on a cliffhanger, but thems the breaks, kid. If I knew people enjoyed these, I'd probably feel more guilty about ending it prematurely (just kidding, that's never bothered me before. Just ask my lady friend), but fewer and fewer people have read each subsequent recap that I don't really feel that bad about saying goodbye.

With that in mind, it's best to think of this as the next logical step in our physical relationship with one another.   If the fifth recap was uncomfortable bra-undoing, then this is really close to the big thing. I'm shirtless, and you're staring at my immaculate body. I turn around to turn up the music - I'm thinking early Jodeci is appropriate, no? - and you catch a glimpse of my dragon tattoo. It's fierce, just like my loving. I don't know what you're thinking when you see it, but I can imagine it's a healthy mixture of trepidation and sexual curiosity. Don't worry. Go with it. Who knows what we'll get up to next, love.

So the next episode is "The Wicked Step-Brother Part One." And boy, is it a doozy. I love this episode for so many reasons, and we'll get into that in just a moment. But first, I want everyone reading this to stop and stare at that picture up above. It's the most brilliant promotional shot ever. Look at Screech's face. Imagine what he's thinking. What's he holding? Is it soda? Is it acid? Is it that acne cream that turns your face into a deep marroon? I don't know. But that's what great promos do, they make you wonder just what in the fuck this is all about.

The show opens with Zack trying to come up with an excuse to miss school so he can go to a Dodgers game. The Dodgers play like a hundred games at home every year, and I don't understand why Zack couldn't just get tickets to a weekend or night game, but it's Zack Morris. He doesn't think things through. He thinks of using his dead grandmother as an excuse, but he used that four times last year and Belding might see right through that one. Zack's got his work cut out for him.

"Wanna touch my baseball bat?"

Jessie's mom just married some fellow from New York and I guess that he decides to move out to LA and he brings his son with him. Everyone is super curious about what he's like, and Kelly and Lisa even bake him cookies to make him feel welcome. When Eric gets there, he gives absolutely zero fucks for the cookies. But he's got a pretty nasty case of jungle fever and Lisa Turtle is the muthafuckin' cure, yo. Problem is, he disgusts Lisa to her very core. I doubt this will have any impact on future proceedings.

Eric is a real dick-wagon right from the start. He reveals that he locked all the terminals on the plane out to LA - I don't know how the hell that's even possible - so you know he's into starting trouble. He is the epitome of a New Yorker - he talks a lot and is very mean. And all he really wants is to deflower Lisa on the beach and take Jessie's room as his own. It's like he has some medieval notion of existence - in order to flourish and take control of this new land he's found himself in, he has to bed an exotic local (the black chick) and sacrifice a family member (usurping his sister's power and claiming her room as his own). Eric's a twisted sonamabitch, and I like him.

Eric's first day of school starts off nicely. He pisses everyone off in record time. He somehow procured Jessie's diary and offers to sell the pages to Slater for a cool five bucks per page. Slater really wants to know what Jessie wrote about him after prom (not enough to pay, but enough to be overly curious). This tells me an important fact about prom - Slater and Jessie fucked. Hard. Slater was all, "C'mon, Mama, Albert Clifford's got the cure for what ails ya," and Jessie was all, "Don't stop you chauvinist pig," and then when they were done, they sang more Michael Bolton or something. It's never implicitly stated, but we can read between the lines, can't we? Isn't that the ultimate goal of everyone in high school (except for the weirdos)? To fall in love (or something) and lose your virginity on prom night to your main squeeze? Girls want it to happen because it's symbolic of romance at its core - something that shows the love and dedication you share with your special someone. You dress up and spend hundreds of dollars to look like royalty, and you eat expensive food and then you dance and take a shitload of stupid pictures with your "homies" and then you end the night at someone's parent's house (who are stupid for going out of town the weekend of their son's prom), and your boyfriend takes off your really expensive dress and you make sad, pathetic sex for three minutes. Then it's over and you realize sex isn't romantic or even all that good (and it won't be until your third semester of college and you make a few drunken mistakes before settling down with some guy who's roommate in the dorms eats a lot of pizza and stashes the boxes under his bed, and then break up with him and start dating someone who has his own apartment off campus and he knows what he's doing and you don't have to have awkward sex on a loft, which has to be dangerous, because you constantly run the risk of hitting your head on the ceiling). Dudes want it to happen because it's the final step towards manhood, the culmination of everything from making the dork eat worms on the playground to discovering your dad's porno stash. That's what Sex At Prom is, right? The ideal? At least that's what Hollywood movies have told me for my entire life. Except, of course, Disney's Prom, but that doesn't count. There's no hidden boners or sex messages in that movie at all, so it doesn't even qualify as a Disney movie.

That's a lot of denim. Also, why is everything tucked in?

Meanwhile, back at Bayside.

Zack doesn't get along with Eric, but he decides to be nice because he's Jessie's sister. He informs him that they have class together, and once they're inside, Eric comes awfully close to forcing sex on Lisa. The teacher, Mr. Testaverde, reveals that it's the Jewish new year, and Zack decides to pretend he's a Jew so he can go watch baseball. What an asshole.

Eric has Screech record the baseball game, and they get together to watch it in Jessie/Eric's room. Jessie walks in, fresh out of the shower, and wants to get dressed. Eric says it's okay, they're family. Add incestuous tendencies to Eric's growing list of sexual perversions. Jessie leaves, in a tiss. Eric sees Zack catch a fly ball at the game and keeps the tape to blackmail him later on. He's a sneaky fuck. Eric uses the tape to steal Zack's locker, because I guess locker location is fucking important. I spent, like, three seconds every day at my locker in high school. If someone wanted to blackmail me for my locker, I'd tell him to get fucked, let him take it, and then laugh at the entire situation because it's a fucking locker, and nobody gives a shit about lockers. Of course, there's a tremendous chance that Zack Morris has a special locker because he's Zack Morris, and it's not really a locker at all, it's the teacher's lounge and he sips cognac there in between classes and sexes up high-priced call girls.

Seriously, those jeans.

Jessie has Slater over for the evening to "study." I say "study" because I really mean "sex." I thought you'd want to know that. Eric finally makes Jessie's room his own, adding that to his growing list of real estate acquisitions. Eric accomplishes this by recording the sex sounds of Jessie and Slater. The next day at school, Slater threatens to beat up Eric, so Eric gives him the tape. Slater steps on it immediately, and then he's reminded that tapes can be copied. Oh, shit. Slater will receive the tapes if he lets Eric use his car. Eric, that New York bastard, has got the entire school by the balls. And he's twisting them.

Belding shows up and wants to show Zack and Slater what he bought Mrs. B. for her birthday. The guys don't want to go, but Belding insists. It's not like they have class to attend or anything, right, Mr. Principal? What a turd. The gift is an expensive-looking red convertible. Belding wants Slater to install a compact disc player in the automobile, and he reassures Slater that he'll be out of town all weekend, so Slater will have access to the car throughout with absolutely zero supervision. What fucking principal gives the keys to his brand-new car to a student? How ridiculous is that? Even Zack has to "time out" in order to process the stupidity. Maybe I could understand Belding hiring Slater to install a CD player in a car (Slater is a macho dude, after all, and he looks like the type of guy who knows what he's doing in a car), but why wouldn't he clandestinely call A.C. to his office and keep it hush-hush, at least from Zack? Giving Zack information about your absence and access to your car keys is just asking for trouble, isn't it? It's like telling a mugger that you'll be walking down a dark alley with no exit at three in the morning by yourself and not expecting him to mug you. Screw Richard Belding. He's horrible.

Zack, of course, realizes that with access to Belding's new convertible, he can get up to all sorts of malarkey. So he puts his plan into action - he bribes Lisa with MC Hammer tickets (the second MC Hammer reference in as many episodes for me. Do with that information what you will) to go on a date with Eric. Lisa doesn't readily want to prostitute herself, but after Zack explains that Eric is blackmailing him, she agrees. This doesn't make any sense, because Zack doesn't elaborate on his ruse at all - he doesn't tell her that he plans on getting Eric back somehow. Instead, he just tells her to go out with him because he's blackmailing him. That doesn't make sense. I've got a headache.

Zack, breaking the fourth wall.
Also - those jeans. My god.

So Zack's plan goes into action - he lends Eric the new convertible to take Lisa on a date, and when they show back up at school with the car, Zack plans on taking a picture of Eric behind the wheel, thus having the tools to blackmail the blackmailer. Nothing is ever that simple, though. It turns out Eric is actually a swell guy and Lisa is ready to sex him. He charms her by taking her to Casablanca and chats her up all sweet-like at The Max afterwards. Lisa feels a little bit guilty for taking advantage of Eric now. I guess because he likes classic movies all of his past sins are immediately forgiven. Try that defense out in court, see what happens.

Eric lets Lisa drive the fancy car in the parking lot and when Zack sees the headlights, he yells at Screech to take a picture. Screech obeys like a good puppy, but the flash from the camera - the most blinding, powerful flash in photographic history, mind you - causes Lisa to crash the car. Women. Driving. Am I right? Heh. Then the episode ends, with the precarious "To Be Continued..." flashing across the screen. I wonder if Zack will find a way to get out of this one, you guys.

We all know he'll get out of it, of course. I'd love to find my way to the second part of this, but I don't know if I'll have the time. Fill in the blanks on your own. Watch the episode if you want. Whatever. Listen, I'm pretty much done with this, and I'm not going to lie - I'm basically phoning it in at this point. I usually try to say something witty at the end, but I don't have the energy. I have to be up at, like, six tomorrow morning, and that's scary. So I hope if you've found this entertaining you find a way to entertain yourself for a while. I'll  be back, eventually. And if you're seriously dying to see me end this the right way, then let me know. Remember at part five, when I talked about how I never stick with anything? Jokes on you, fuckers. It's true. I was all invested in this, and now I don't care much about it at all anymore. Life has a way of catching up with you. Maybe a healthy break is all I need to come back energized. I don't know.

Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part VII

I decided to change the title picture because I think people maybe see the same picture plastered all over my stupid Facebook all the time and they don't bother to read my words and they just assume that I'm posting the same thing over and over and over and over again because they're assholes and don't read things, they just scroll down their pages and click "like" whenever they see another new e-card that has an old time-y looking picture of a woman with some inane statement accompanying it, or they look to the side of their Facebook page and just randomly click "like" to pictures over there, and the next thing you know, they're fans of pages like "Marijuana" and "Life Makes Me Want to Cry Sometimes" and shit like that, or they don't bother to see what's going on in anyone else's life, they're too busy playing sending me fucking Farmville requests. So that's the reason for the slight change. I'm trying to become an internet sensation here.

When I last left you, Kelly and Zack had just parted ways and Jessie and Slater were singing the shit out of a Michael Bolton song whilst dressed as Romans. It was a hard time for everyone involved, and I hope you all found time to properly work through the break up. I know I did. I cried myself to sleep last night while I listened to "Friends Forever" on repeat. My tears tasted like shame. It's a good thing that wasn't the final episode, because I might have died from heartbreak. So, let's see where the next episode takes us as Kelly and Jeff take their relationship to the next level (over-the-bra-cupping), Zack deals with rejection, Lisa turns sixteen, and Screech hooks up his hot blonde cousin with Mr. Morris.

This chick is going to feel like hell in two years
when Cobain offs himself.

I love the opening to this episode. Zack walks to his locker and everyone looks at him with sympathy. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Some frumpy grunge (by SbtB standards, anyway) chick (sarcastically?) puts a comforting hand on Zack's shoulder, gives him a knowing "Things'll get better, kiddo" look, and shakes her head at him. Then, a black guy does the same. I should be pissed that even Zack's break up means that he gets ridiculous amounts of attention, but I'm not. I'm just thrilled he knows what it's like to feel mortal. Humble pie is a disgusting dish, Zack, but it's good for you. Eat up. Eat it all the fuck up, jerkwad.

Slater asks Zack how he is and Zack does that junior high thing when you pretend like you don't know what anyone's talking about even though you know they're all talking about how you just got dumped. It's just a step above "pretending that you dumped your girlfriend even though she really dumped you and you're trying to convince everyone you actually dumped her in a pathetic attempt to save face" on the Loser's Scale of Pathetic Rejection. I always owned up to being dumped myself, because I figured I might be able to get some sympathy booty from some confused coed. It never worked, but I slept better knowing that I wasn't puffing my chest out in front of everyone and crying like a little baby at night while I held my One and Only's 8X10 clutched tightly to my chest. And I only ever had, like, four girlfriends, and I broke up with one of them by inexplicably cutting off all communication with her (technically, we might still be dating), and purposely sabotaged another relationship by making her dump me so I wouldn't feel bad about dumping the girl who didn't have any friends. Hey, I'm not proud of myself, but at least I'm being honest here. I learned from the best, after all (my big brother and Zack Morris).

Lisa doesn't give a shit about Zack's plight, though, because she's about to turn sixteen and that's all that really matters. Lisa gives Kelly an invitation before class and Kelly says she can't wait for everyone to meet Jeff. Slater and Jessie overhear the conversation and they can't believe Kelly doesn't give any shits for what she did to Zack, and now she wants them to hang out with that "fratboy babe-stealer" (I'm using this in general conversation from now on, FYI). When they talk to her, they pretend like everything is fine because they lack the emotional maturity to tell anyone the truth under any circumstances. The deaf teacher wants Zack and Kelly to recite a love poem because they're Bayside's power couple. I guess she didn't get the memo. Zack survives the ordeal, but just barely. Screech, the poor bastard, has to leave the room because it hurts him so bad to watch it all.

Jeff and the "Penis in the Popcorn" trick that never works.
Bonus points for attempting it in a XXL sweatshirt.

In a moment of real sincerity, Slater and Screech take Zack to the movies to cheer him up. Slater overacts a bit by laughing hysterically at Zack's past pranks on Belding, but I've got to hand it to him - he's a good friend here. The movie theater they are at is the only one in the world that doesn't play twenty minutes of previews before the main feature. I'm jealous. Kelly and Jeff just so happen to show up to the same movie and Screech and Slater try to ensure Zack doesn't see the popcorn, Pepsi, and pregnancy game Jeff's playing with Kelly.

It doesn't matter, though, because once the CAR SCREECH!!!TWO SILENCED GUNSHOTS AND LADY SCREAMS!!!! sequence (we'll hear it at least nine more before the episode is over) happens, Kelly screams and takes refuge in Jeff's oversize UCLA sweatshirt. Zack recognizes Kelly's screams because he used to make her howl (sexually!) and he turns around, sees the couple doing movie theater sexy stuff, and bolts. Slater and Screech are through being good friends for the day and stick around to watch the rest of the movie. What dicks.

The next day at school, Lisa is being a real bitch. She's mad at her dad because he won't get MC Hammer to play at her birthday party. I'm kind of mad at Dr. Turtle myself, because I would kill for MC Hammer to show up at Lisa's party, have him go "STOP! HAMMER TIME!" and then climb on top of Jeff and start mercilessly beating the UCLA-loving shit out of him until Kelly pulls him off and pleads, "Please, Hammer, don't hurt him!" That would make my life. Zack shows up and tells Lisa he can't make it to her party because Kelly and Jeff will be there. Once everyone is informed that Kelly and Jeff were basically sexing during the movie, they turn on Kelly and do everything short of spraypainting a red "S" for Slut on her back. To be fair to Kelly and her forty year-old college boyfriend, they were only cuddling. Standard movie theater etiquette is as follows: "So long as there ain't no liquids left behind, s'okay by us - Management."

Ehrmagerd! Perpcern!

Everyone wants Zack to go out and screw his way through the rest of Bayside. After a moment's hesitation, Zack gets down with the plan and we get a mini montage of Zack going on dates with social rejects. One won't shut the fuck up. One won't stop eating anything that can be placed in or around her gullet. The third - and thankfully, final - date of Zack's is Screech's cousin, Kimberly, is a smokin' hot blonde that actually seems normal. It's a brilliant inversion, because you think that anyone who shares Screech's genetics would be a curly-haired physical disaster, too. But she's not. She's a fox. And based on how she responds to Zack at the movie, she's loose as all hell, too. Good one, Preppy!

After the movie, Zack takes Kimberly to The Max (duh!) for a burger and some pre-sex calories. Before they arrive, though, Kelly refuses to serve the rest of the gang. Jeff wants Kelly to smooth the whole thing over with them, and he seems like a sympathetic character. But you know that he's just thinking to himself, "Christ, I just wanted some high school strange, and now I've been sucked into this weird alternate universe where I have to deal with my peppy brunette girlfriend and her group of friends that includes a muscle-bound Latino, a sass-talkin' black chick, a seven foot-tall environmentalist/feminist, and an inbred geek who wears rainbow suspenders. I should have thought this through."

"Excuse me, Kelly, can't you see I'm in the middle
of pants-moistening?

Zack and Kimberly show up and Zack makes Kelly jealous by showing off his hot blonde date. Kelly, like she has a reason to be jealous, is saddened that Zack has decided to move on and plow a girl with a different hair color and multi-colored dress. Maybe, Kapowski, you should have thought about that before you started to get googly eyes for Jeffy! I can't hold this against Zack; he just had his heart broken and he's moving on. Maybe he's digging it in a little bit and it makes Kelly uncomfortable, but so what? She excused herself from Zack's life when she decided to date the old guy who manages a shitty diner. Kimberly's existence makes sense when Screech reveals she was adopted. Zack and Kimberly order a milk shake (with two straws) and then they dance. But it ain't to no ordinary song, folks. It's to Zack and Kelly's song, mothafuckin' A-12 on the jukebox, son. That's some coldblooded shit right there, Preppy. The gang instantly changes sides and loves Kelly and hates Zack now. How quick the tables turn, Morris.

Apparently, in the Bayside Universe, if you get cheated on by your main squeeze, you can't ever dance to your old song with another woman without losing all your friends. Let me lay this out for you all at home: Zack Morris, the coolest cat on the whole block, was dating Kelly Kapowski, the uber-cute-but-poor head cheerleader. Zack treated her good. Never even hit her or nothin'. Then, one day, Kelly Kapowski cheats on him with her boss (fucking ew, amirite?) and dumps him. She moves on in record time. Then Zack, after being prodded by his best friends to move the heck on, meets a smokin' hot blonde babe and flaunts her in front of his ex. This makes Zack the high school equivalent to Hitler how exactly? I've spent a good six entries ripping Zack Morris to shreds here, but I'm officially changing sides. He was broken by Kelly. If Zack was Batman, then Kelly is like Bane on this one - she broke him, but good. And so he tries to build himself anew, and he loses all his friends because of it? For the record, Kelly fucking CHEATED on Zack behind his back. Zack just danced with another girl in front of her. How is that worse? HOW?!?!

"Take back your jacket, your sweater, your lucky
pom-poms, and your STUPID volleyball!"

Everyone apologizes to Kelly and they're all besties again. The gang gets pissed at Zack for being pissed at Kelly because they're all fucking idiots and can't rationalize anything beyond "Zack did a mean thing more recently than Kelly. We hate Zack now." Lisa snaps her fingers and gets urban for a minute. Then they all tell Zack that he hurt Kelly on purpose by showing up with his date at The Max, and that "really stinks." But they all quickly forget that Kelly purposely hurt Zack, too. And worse. She knew what she was doing when she let Jeff's tongue inside her mouth. She wasn't drugged. She did it all and nobody holds it against her. I'm sick. Slater even jumps on, simply shrugging at Zack, essentially saying, "Tough shit, Preppy." Zack gets pushed into a wall, so he gets defensive (understandably) and says he'll only go to Lisa's party if Kelly The Super Bitch ain't there with her septuagenarian boy toy. The gang walks away and Zack throws a hissyfit directed towards his locker/Kelly shrine.

Screech shows up at Lisa's party and she asks if Zack is coming. Screech says no and Lisa wants to know if he at least sent a present. What a bitch. Lisa Turtle would be a goddess on MTV today, a self-entitled brat who doesn't do anything except demand, demand, demand, and then she gets everything she wants because of course she does. I can't stand her. She's a horrible friend. Screech's present ate Zack's present, and you never get to see what creature Screech got Lisa, but I'm guessing mogwai. That would be the best present ever. So long as you don't feed it after midnight. In any event, Lisa kills the creature because it moves in the box.

Jeff and Kelly show up, and it's a damn good thing, too, because without Jeff, there would be no adult supervision at the party. At least now I can rest comfortably knowing that the kids won't get drunk and drive into a telephone poll, or break an Elvis bust because Jeff is there. Jeff tells Slater he used to wrestle and Slater instantly forgets that Jeff stole his best friend's girlfriend and wants to be buddies with Jeff. That's all it takes to earn Slater's friendship - tell him you're good at something he is also good at. Fuck Slater.

This "chick's" voice is deeper than the ocean, dude.

Zack shows up for the birthday song and apologizes to Kelly for being a jerk, even though he wasn't really being a jerk, he was just being a kid who was digesting his first break up. Zack tells Jeff he better take care of Kelly and Jeff says, "Yeah, sure, I'm just trying to get laid here, dude" or something like that. Zack breaks the fourth wall (I love it when he does that) and says he doesn't know if he'll ever get over his first love. Then a transvestite asks him if he believes in love and first sight and he's ready to bone again. I'm serious, that person is a transvestite. Her voice is so deep, man. It's so deep that Vin Diesel heard her say something and he was like, "Damn, that's a deep voice." So the episode ends with Zack on the cusp of having sex with someone who looks like she could crush Rocky IV-era Dolph Lundren's hand when shaking it. Awesome.

And that brings us to the end of another fine entry into my ongoing hateapalooza. It's been fun so far. I figure I've only got time for about three or four more of these before I start school, so if there's an episode you'e absolutely dying for me to get to, I suggest you speak up now, or forever hold your motherlovin' peace. I'm serious. It's time to put up or shut up. So put up, man! I know there's something you want me to address, and this is literally the best chance you will ever have. I'm moving on soon, and darlin', I ain't takin' you with me. I'm leaving on a jet plane. I'm going to the great wide open. I'm doing something by going somewhere with someone. I'm being intentionally vague for a reason.

And because I didn't have space for this picture elsewhere, I'm just posting it here. Do you want an explanation for why I included it? Look at the picture. It says more than I ever could.

Sex appeal, thy name is Morris.

Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part VI

Thanks for coming back. If this is your first time here - welcome, would you like a ginger ale? How about a back rub? Anything to help you feel more comfortable? Are you offended that I'm shirtless? No? Good. Yes, I do shave my chest. It helps with the appearance of more pronounced pectoral muscles. I hope that doesn't make you think I'm a fruit loop.

You all know the deal by now, right? After the triumphant accomplishment of writing five recaps, I've decided it's time to do a two-parter. I'm not doing "Jessie's Evil Step-brother" yet, but it's looming on the horizon. Instead, I want to tackle Zack and Kelly's break up in illustrious fashion. I thought about just doing the second part because I think it's a more profound episode (Zack throws a volleyball against his locker and Lisa turns sixteen), but I realized that if I skipped the episode where Kelly makes out with Jeff, her manager at The Max, then I'd also miss out on recapping the amazing duet that Jessie and Slater belt out at the costume ball. I'm not going to miss that. And instead of doing this all in one long post, I've decided to break it up for you guys, because some of you assholes complain that these are too long to begin with. I'm sorry that you have the attention span of a goldfish, jerkwads. So here's part one of a two parter (even though it's really Part VI; confused yet?). Let's do it.

The episode starts off with Zack being a presumptuous dickhead. He's under the impression that he's going to be the absolute king of the world at the costume ball because he and Kelly are going as Romeo and Juliet, the two most romantic suicidal people in all of fiction. Interestingly enough, Jessie and Slater are going as "history's two greatest lovers," Cleopatra and Mark Antony, which is hysterical because I'm pretty sure Cleopatra had sex with everyone in Egypt. Kelly's anxious about the costume ball because she's poor and doesn't have a job. Lisa tells her they're hiring at The Max, and that's all fine and dandy, but I'm pretty confident that Kelly always worked at The Max. I'm not going to thumb through every fucking episode that preceded this one, but I'm almost one hundred percent positive that she was a waitress there in continuity before this episode was filmed. That's a huge hang-up for me here. They didn't need to give Kelly a reason to work at The Max - she already fucking worked there! It's just lazy and makes no sense, unless of course Kelly is just like Drew Barrymore in Fifty First Dates and she starts her life over from scratch every morning and everyone just pretends like it's normal that she doesn't know she's the hot-but-poor cheerleader/waitress.

Jessie reminds everyone they have band practice after school. They have a band. What can't these people do? Other than attend class and remember what happened a week ago. Kelly fills out an application at The Max and the new manager, Jeff, tells her that the owner wants an experienced server. Isn't the owner Max, the magician? If not, then why the hell is the place named after him? And isn't Max the type of guy who would just give Kelly a job since he's known her forever? Why are you making Kelly jump through hoops, Max? I know they do that at the circus where you probably spend some time doing magic stuff, but this is a restaurant. It's different here. And it's not like anyone goes to The Max for their stellar service. I've never seen anyone in there other than Jeff and Max who has finished puberty. Relax, Max.

Jeff, the man responsible for breaking a generation's heart.

Jeff is a fucking weirdo from the start. He's a transfer student to UCLA and as a big, bad college boy, you'd think he'd be beyond trying to screw his subordinates at a shitty diner. I guess not. He stares at Kelly and he gives her the Brett the Serial Killer eyes a couple times. I've got you figured out, Jeff. Once she gets the job, Kelly turns around and bumps into a waiter. The food on his tray goes everywhere and Jeff giggles a bit to himself while the poor waiter looks like his dog just got hit by a car. Jeff walks away smiling while this poor waiter is stuck explaining to his table that his manager gives absolutely zero fucks about him and is only interested in screwing cheerleaders. I don't know who the waiter is, but I feel bad for him.

Ollie Creekly. His vest makes me
believe in God.

Meanwhile, back at school, the party committee is meeting to discuss the party. In addition to the entire gang minus Kelly, the group is filled out by Ollie, the black nerd with the best voice in history, and some homely fat chick named Margo Mason (don't ask me why I know this. I also know she's Jewish). Ollie is one of my favorite periphery characters in the show. His voice sounds like a robot had sex with a rock. It's really weird. And he has a really bad arch in his back that precludes him from standing up straight. I don't know Ollie's history at all, but it's one I'm curious about. He's an awesome individual and I salute any man who is ballsy enough to make bowties and high-top fades a staple of his fashion.

The school is absolutely broke (I bet they're regretting spraying Evil Oil Baron with oil now, huh?) so they eschew hiring a DJ and the gang's band will play instead. How serendipitous! Even when shit is looking bleak, Zack steps right into a great situation. Now his band gets to play for the entire school, that sonuvabitch. I always wondered how the band came to be. I know Slater can play the drums, and Zack can do everything better than everyone ever, but it seems odd that one day they'd be sitting around somewhere and Screech would say, "Hey, let's start a band," and everyone just picks up instruments and is instantly a fucking prodigy. Do you know how hard it is to play music? It's not easy. It takes time and practice, and I'm jealous that these nimrods can just become an insanely amazing pop band by deciding they want to do it. And how come there aren't any other bands at Bayside? Why is it that the only people who do any goddamn thing at that school is the gang?

This guy HATES mayonnaise, which doesn't make sense.
You'd think this guy would like anything that was white.

Back at The Max, Kelly gives shitty service to neo-Nazis and Jeff tells them to GET LOST! because he's a bad-ass college manager and he ain't afraid of no Hitler Youth, yo. Jeff calls them sleazeballs, too, and that's excellent. Nobody says sleazeball anymore and that's unfortunate. If I didn't think Jeff was scheming to see what color underwear Kelly was wearing, I'd kind of think he was cool. But you just know behind that handsome jawline and nice demeanor, Jeff is sitting in his dorm room at nights carving Kelly's initials into his abdomen while he does chin-ups and listens to The Cure. Zack and Screech show up and Kelly tells them she made five dollars in tips. Holy shit, a lot has changed since 1991. If the clothes and hairstyles didn't instantly date the show, the revelation that five dollars is a great earning for a day of serving snot-nosed neo-Nazis and dweebs certainly would. Five dollars! Holy shit. What did a burger cost back then, twelve cents?

Kelly tells Zack that she can't go to the dance with him because her family is poor and every little bit helps. Zack offers to pay her for the night, which means that he's willing to pay someone to be his date. That's prostitution, Preppy, and that's illegal. The real reason - other than her family being broke - is that Kelly secretly wants to bang Jeff in the cooler at The Max, but she doesn't want to tell anyone that because she's dating Zack Morris, the Coolest Guy Ever. Zack isn't used to rejection, though, so he turns into a whiny bitch and gets all depressed because he doesn't know what it means to not get what he wants. Grow up, Zack. Wait 'till you get to college! Nevermind, Zack did whatever the fuck he wanted to there, too. I give up.

Dream Theater ain't go shit on Zack Attack.

The next day, the gang practices their music and it's so goddamn amazing, you guys, I can't even begin to describe it. Lisa plays bass (she's black. Of course she does), but it looks like she has a nervous tic in her right hand and nothing makes sense. I don't think she even gets close to striking one of the strings. It's so awful and great. The lip-synching is abysmal and I have no doubt in my mind that if Jessie Spano ever sang in real life, it wouldn't sound anything like that. Zack can't focus, though, because he's still pissed about Kelly having a life outside of his gravitational pull, and practice blows chunks because of it. Slater tells Zack to just ask Kelly's boss to let Kelly off for the night of the dance, so Zack does. Jeff allows it, but you just know Jeff is pissed to find out that Zack is dating her. Jeff's face lights up when Zack tells Jeff he's as nice as Kelly says he is. At Kelly's house, Jessie and Lisa tell Kelly she's got the hots for Jeffy, and she claims they're just friends. Yeah, right, Kelly. Friends who do sexy stuff behind Zack's back, am I right? Like smooch and hold hands and stuff.

Holy shit, this sweater.
It has eyes.

Soon after that, Kelly and Jeff close down the restaurant for the evening. I've seen one too many pornographic videos to know where this one's going, you guys. Next stop: Smoochville; population: Jeff and Kelly. Jeff butters Kelly up (not physically though) and the next thing you know, they're playing tonsil hockey (horrible euphemism for making out). Kelly gets scared and bolts. Jeff stares at the ground and he looks like he's up to something mean. Jeff, the college-aged bastard, is driving a wedge between Bayside's very own power couple. You're an asshole, Jeff.

Zack and the gang show up at The Max the next day and Kelly's all uptight about the fact that her boyfriend and sexy college boss she smooched are in the same room. Kelly doesn't let Zack touch her and Zack's pissed because this is like the third time this episode that he's not gotten what he wanted precisely at the moment he wanted it. After Screech refers to Jeff as "that good-looking college guy," Zack realizes something may very well be rotten in Denmark. There's no time for addressing any of this directly, though, because the band's got a gig to play, dude!

Quick cut to the band playing "Make My Day" (I think that's what it's called) and it's even better than the rehearsal. Nobody has a fucking clue what they're doing with their respective instruments, but somehow really amazing music comes out of it. The school loves it. They go apeshit for this stuff. So would I, if I were there. Kelly is distracted because she just wants to be with Jeff and not the handsome, most bestest guitar player ever. This isn't going to end well. Zack and Kelly are selected to be the king and queen of the costume ball, the most arbitrary title ever for people at a school dance. Neither of them can focus on their victory and they go outside to talk. The band has to play another song but Zack's not there. Slater don't give no shits, though, and he decides to duet the shit out of the song with his main squeeze, Jessie. Ollie, that tremendous stud, fills in on the drums. I wanted to know how Ollie knew the song, but he's fucking Ollie. Ollie knows all.

A.C. Slater - the songbird of a generation.

The song they sing is perfect. Slater is a better singer than Zack, and probably more desirable, too. Just look at him. He makes straight guys question themselves. Or maybe it's just me. Everybody needs to watch this. I tried finding it on youtube but I can't. If you have Netflix, I heartily recommend that you fast-forward to 19:30 into the episode and just let the music and visuals take you over completely. If I ever get euthanized, I want this sequence to be played as the death venom flows into my body. Seriously, Slater's facial expressions during this are fucking aces. Tops. Boss. Rad. No adjective used here is hyperbole. My goodness!

Outside, away from the amazing song and performance that defies time and space, Zack and Kelly end their all-too-brief romance. It's surprising that Zack is so understanding and willing to let Kelly walk out of his life and into the arms of the sleazeball Jeff. He handles it like a real adult, someone who recognizes that his relationship with Kelly isn't sustainable because she has feelings for someone else. He even promises to remain friends with her forever, because he's suddenly the most mature guy ever. Even when he's being dumped he finds a way to be smooth. I'd feel bad for Zack if I thought for a moment that he couldn't just walk back into the dance and grab some chick, look into her eyes and say, "The time for talk is over; the time for love is now," and the girl would just undress in front of him and the whole damn school and say, "Attack me, Zack!" and then they would just, you know, do it in front of everyone while A.C. and Jessie soundtrack the entire thing to more Michael Bolton songs.

Regardless, Zack is gutted by this and the episode ends with the precarious "To Be Continued..." The "TBC" thing promises answers in the next episode, and by golly, I aim to get them. I wonder if Zack will continue to be an understanding adult about the break-up or if he'll lose his shit because the only place in the world other than school and his house that he can go to now represents the love-den of Kelly and her asshole college boyfriend. I wonder if the gang will pick sides. But really, why would anybody pick Kelly's side? She cheated on Zack and then didn't even pay attention when his band played music. Based on what I've seen, Zack was probably an asshole boyfriend who minimized everything Kelly did and treated her as little more than a sex object, but does that make it okay to cheat on your high school sweetheart? That's the type of important question that the show raises. It's inspirational and thought-provoking. Just kidding. It's not.

Get ready for Part 2 (I mean Part VII) soon. Sayonara, suckers.

Watching it over and over again doesn't make it hurt less.

Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part V

Holy shit, guys. We've hit the Roman Numeral V. That's the fifth deadly sin, wrath, which is interesting, because this whole extended catharsis has basically been me targeting my wrath at this show. V was also a miniseries on NBC in the eighties and a show that ran for two years on ABC. I've never seen either, but in the show on ABC, there was an androgynously attractive woman with a short haircut that caught my eye once or twice.

I digress. You're not here to read about my attraction to short-haired gals. You're here for one of two reasons: you liked the show when you were a kid and you get nostalgic reading about it, or you clicked on the link from one of my social media pages because I harassed you. I'll take either one, really, because eyes are eyes and my mom always told me that any time anyone looks at you or your work, regardless of how they view it, it's a good thing because at least they're paying attention to you. My mom never told me that. That sounds like a total Kardashian thing for someone to say. It sounds like something someone would say after convincing her daughter to release a sex tape and then ride that windfall to ninety separate television shows on E! and have millions of people inexplicably follow the family's hollow, selfish, shallow existence through babies being born, a step-father being Botoxed to shit, a "fat" daughter who marries a good basketball player who becomes a bad basketball player for being married to the "fat" daughter, and a daughter who released a sex tape with Ray J getting married to a crappy basketball player then subsequently divorcing said basketball player thirty-seven hours later only to have said basketball player become good at basketball because of it. I can't believe I live in this world.

I digress. Before I get into this next episode, which is a real whopper (I've just always wanted to say that), I want to take a moment to say that I'm proud of myself for making it five episodes into this thing. That's an accomplishment. I never stick with anything for longer than sixteen minutes. I collected pogs for a minute in 1995. I tried being a yo-yo master for a month in seventh grade. I spent an afternoon once trying to skateboard and quit because it made me feel like an asshole. It's just pretty darn amazing that I've found the fortitude to stick this out, and to find that I continually have something new to say about Zack Morris and his merry band of jack-offs. You should be proud of me, too. I'm like your surrogate son, after all. And if I ever make a penny off of any of my writing, remember that I said this (take a screen-cap if you can because I'll vehemently deny that I know you) because if I find any amount of success in the writing world, I'm starting anew with a new name, new friends, new family history, new everything. It'll be like I had amnesia, but I didn't, I just won't want to give you any of my new things. I've never had hangers-on before, and as much as I think I might enjoy it, I'd probably just get angry and plot my own fake death. So this is your one chance to not only make a personal record of my acknowledging you, but also a chance to endear yourself to me, and if you can endear yourself to me, maybe I'll take you on my whirlwind trip of the cocaine-addled journey of a semi-successful writer. The smart money says that I'll probably force you to fight a spider monkey for my affection, but you never know.

Everyone is very concerned about the duck.
Except Slater. He's checking out Jessie's ass.
And he looks disgusted.

The next episode up is "Pipe Dreams," the episode that everyone fondly remembers because Zack sprays an oil baron with oil. So, let's cut the chit-chat and get right into it, shall we? The gang - minus Zack - is in biology class and they are learning about pond animals. There's no way this will have any impact on the rest of the episode, right? Zack comes in carrying a duck and apologizes for being late. He was playing baseball in gym class and hit a home run over the fence (because he's Zack Fucking Morris, and he only hits home runs) and found the ball next to a duck. He assumes he hit the duck in the head so he brought it to his teacher. Jessie gets indignant about man encroaching on nature. Zack is really concerned about the duck's safety (which is odd, because everyone knows Zack don't give no shits about no animals or nothing other than himself) and he wants to take the duck home for the weekend. The teacher thinks it's a "good idea," which it's not. Zack lacks even the most basic comprehension of responsibility and there's a great chance of him accidentally stepping on the duck's neck and killing it. Whatever. Zack's a duck-lover now.

I'd kill for the chance to have a shared daydream
with Kelly Kapowski and Jessie Spano. Kill for it.

Zack and Screech run into Belding in the hallway and Belding reveals that the duck's name is Becky. Belding grew up on a farm (in Los Angeles?) so he loves ducks. The gang takes Becky to The Max (of course) and Slater shows up in his football gear to inform everyone that, while putting up the new goal post, they struck an oil pipeline. This means that everyone daydreams about being the richest school in the world. According to Zack and the gang, being rich has its advantages, chiefly that you are awarded a shitty British accent and you aren't required to learn anything ever. Being a student at a rich school means that you don't have to learn, the mall comes to you, there's a place for hounds (I don't get this at all), and the women showing clothes off for the rich black girl will fuck you because you say so. I'm not rich, never have been, and probably never will be, but if rich school is anything like this, I'm jealous. I am a proponent of education for everyone, regardless of ethnicity, creed, social status, gender, anything. But if I'm given the option to learn or indulge in some sexual liasons with high-priced call girls instead of geometry, I'm taking the high-priced call girls ten times out of fucking ten. Take that to the bank. Zack's fantasy is to fuck call girls instead of learning, Slater's fantasy is to observe canines and fuck call girls, Lisa's fantasy is to shop, Jessie's fantasy is to physically torture anti-environmentalists, and Kelly's fantasy is to be a waitress. Stupid poor girl can't even fantasize properly! Ha! In this world, Kelly is married to Screech, who has oddly turned into an Arabian. I don't get it.

Dan Grayson, Evil Oil Baron, LLC.
It's hard to hate a guy who wears a bolo.

After the dream is over, Screech shows up to tell everyone that they didn't hit a pipeline; they struck oil! and are now going to be rich as shit. Jessie asks the Oil Baron why they don't pursue alternative fuel sources and the Oil Baron basically makes fun of her and does everything but twirl his evil mustache and dump scalding hot oil on Jessie as he smokes a cigar. He's an asshole and I actually side with Jessie on this, and it's amazing that twenty years ago, this chick was on the cutting edge of seeking alternative fuel sources. Oil isn't evil, I'll give Evil Oil Baron that, but Evil Oil Barons are. This guy doesn't give a shit about the world. He gives a shit about lining his pockets. With money. From extracting oil. And killing helpless creatures. And polluting the Earth. He's not a nice guy.

Meanwhile, back at Zack's place, Jessie shows up and asks Zack to sign a petition to block the Evil Oil Baron from drilling for oil. Zack says no because he's a fucking dickhead and would rather enjoy new computers and "visual aids" (I'm assuming that it is, indeed, aids that use visuals and not people with AIDS who are visible, but I can't be sure). Zack tells Jessie he'll read the petition but he makes no promises in signing it. The next day at school, Jessie tries to defend her stance as an environmentalist and nobody gives a shit. Slater says oil runs cars and heats homes so she can stuff it (slight paraphrasing) while Kelly likes the idea of saving the environment, but her own comfort (a hot tub in every classroom) is more important.

Franklin, you brilliant bastard.

Later on that day, Kelly, Jessie, and some dork named Franklin are tied up in the hallways chanting to stop drilling for oil. It's inspiring. Turns out that Franklin isn't an environmentalist, he's just a pervert who wants to S&M Jessie and Kelly by any means necessary. Zack is upset because Jessie is being rational and not agreeing with him. I don't know why Kelly suddenly is on board with stopping the drilling, but whatever.

Unfortunately, Jessie was right about oil and there's a spill that kills all the wildlife in the pond. The gang had just deposited Becky the duck and several other animals like frogs, turtles, and crabs back to their natural habitat, and then moments later, the oil sprayed everywhere, killing the poor animals. When Zack comes to terms with the fact that his duck done died, he admits that Jessie was right (holy shit, right?) and Screech tells Zack that Becky's where the oil can't hurt her now (unintentionally hilarious). Zack is a mess. More of a mess than when he found out Chief Henry died, even. Now, this tells us something important about Zack - either he's a real animal lover or he hates Native Americans. I don't know. I don't want to speculate, but I'll tell you this: the way Zack Morris handled Becky the Duck's death makes me wonder just what the hell was going on at their little sleepovers.

Zack has a sudden change of heart and tries to convince Belding to stop the oil drilling. Belding is a dickhead, though, and he's not having any of it. The next day, there's a meeting with the Evil Oil Baron and he explains that in order for a new football field, they're going to have to get rid of the pond. Everyone's upset because the pond is a part of the school, although they never mentioned it before this episode, nor do they do so even in passing in subsequent episodes. The pond is important, though. Some nitwit asks how much the school will cost in taxes and the Evil Oil Baron explains that it won't cost anyone anything. Zack is in full-on lawyer mode now and takes over the stage. He lays it down nice and quick for everyone - if they all want a school with an Olympic-sized pool, a brand-spankin' new football field, and air conditioned classrooms, well, there are going to be comically oversized oil rigs all over the place. And in a moment of deft brilliance, Zack pulls out a can of oil and starts squirting it everywhere until Evil Oil Baron says something along the lines, "Hey, now, wait just a minute, there!" and Zack sprays him with oil, giving him a nonsexual money shot all over his rich, Texan chest.

Oil, or alien semen? You decide.

In one of my favorite moments in the entire show's fabled history, Evil Oil Baron disgustedly exclaims, "Ah'm covered in oi-yul!" He behaves as though he's never seen this gross black substance before. I mean, when he sees his bolo has a splash of oil on it, he loses his shit. It's really the small things if life that count, ya know? Kelly wisely reminds him that at least he will be alive when he washes it off, unlike those animals that suffocated from oil. The school board, Mr. Belding, and the greater Los Angeles area all switch their allegiance away from oil and, I guess, to alternative energy sources (although it's never mentioned again). I guess they just like ducks more than they like oil. Hey, a win is a win, right? The episode ends in a cheesy group high-five, and I only say 'cheesy' because I'm jealous and I've always wanted to be part of a group high five like that.

I don't want to make this into a political issue, so I'll avoid it. Let's just say that this is, believe it or not, one of the most sensible episodes in Saved by the Bell history. It's not particularly balanced, but it's at least informative. Kind of. Not really. Whatever. It's fine. It would have been super, though, if all of a sudden Zack and the gang turned into hippies or environmentalists or something and just spent the rest of their time at Bayside protesting shit. Really, for all of Zack's clout, can you imagine if he just put it to good use? The motherfucker could be the emperor of the galaxy within a week. Instead he focuses his vast resources on screwing brunettes and scamming people out of chump change. Zack is a street-smart mother-shut-your-mouth, but he doesn't realize that he could be frying much bigger fish if he put his mind to it (and just went for it; heck, Zack, get down and break a sweat).

Bolos are scientifically proven to increase your odds
of a tri-racial threesome by 237%.

Listen, here's something you probably don't know about me: I fucking love bolo ties. I do. No foolin'. Now, I would never be so brazen as to believe that I could actually pull off wearing a bolo tie, but you should know that I like them. A lot. It's kind of unhealthy. My friend's dad has a bolo with a scorpion trapped in fucking amber for the centerpiece. Do you know what the scientific name of a man who wears a scorpion bolo is? It's This Guy Fucks Anything He Wants. Moving on. Nothing says "Unfuckwithable" like a man wearing a turquoise or metal trinket around his neck with two accompanying strands of leather. I don't know anything of the history of bolos, but there's something interesting about the fact that something like ninety percent (I have no sources to back this claim up) of all bolos in circulation involve turquoise. That's something, isn't it? What does it mean? Do you even care? How can you not? And while we're on the subject of bolos, is it just me, or was there an all-too-quick moment there in the nineties when the bolo eclipsed the monocle as the accessory du jour of all villains? I miss that.

So that's the end of that. I'm sorry. This what a bit of a shitty recap/vivisection/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. It was probably the most personal of them all so far, which means it's probably the least-interesting. If you don't like it, you can tell me that you're not interested in my love for novelty neckties, my past failures in coming up with a suitable hobby, of my attraction to short-haired women (some, not all). I'm having a lot of fun writing this stuff, and it comes quite easy, but I'd appreciate a bit more feedback from my audience. I have a special thing where I can see how many people have viewed my articles, and I've cracked fifty, like, once, and that's cool. But hey, if half of you people commented on various sites that I pimp this stuff out at, who knows what may come of it? Maybe you'll meet your future spouse. Maybe you'll reconnect with a friend who you are still mad at because he/she stole/sexed your ex or something. Maybe you'll befriend a duck and that duck with get gruesomely killed by greedy oil barons and you'll reanalyze your stance on fossil fuels. The point I'm trying to make here is if you comment on this, good things will happen. And at the end of the day, isn't that what it's all about? Or is that the Hokey-Pokey? I don't know. See you next time.

Slater's pants. Jesus.

Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part IV

Hey, dudes. I'm back with another entry. I know, I know. I'm prolific with this shit, ain't I? I'm like the Stephen King of sardonic Saved by the Bell recaps. I'm like Janet Evanovich, if, you know, I was a chick and had zero talent (I don't have much talent, but I swear to God, I'll fucking fist-fight anyone who says I have less talent than Janet Evanovich). The truth is, I just realized that I start student teaching in less than two weeks, and there are a slew of episodes that I want to get to before I find myself busy with real life and educating the youth of this great country. So I'm working my hindquarters off relentlessly for you, myself, the good of the nation, and the future of democracy. You're welcome. So I'm ramping things up a bit here. I'm attacking one of the episodes I've had in my crosshairs since this germ of an idea started to take seed itself in my mind grapes. I'm not climaxing, per se, with this episode, but I'm taking things up a notch from where I was before. Think of it as a sensual encounter with yours truly (unless we're related. In that case - ew). The first three episodes were gentle kissing. I may have accidentally rubbed up against your pectoral region and we both laughed at my foolishness and lack of body coordination. Now, though, I'm fiddling around with your undergarments. That bra you're wearing? I'm beginning to attempt to undo it. I just turned on some Keith Sweat. That's what this episode is in regards to a sexual liason; we've hit the awkward bra-undoing section to bodacious late-90's R&B. It doesn't mean we're anywhere near the finish line, but things are about to get exciting. I hope I don't disappoint you.

The bra in question here is a real classic of the show's run. It involves a subplot with slavery and white guilt. It involves Italian heritage. It involves an important track meet. It involves a pothead Indian who likes surfing. That's right, suckers. I'm talking about "Running Zack," the episode in which Zack discovers he has Native American heritage (fucking what???) and his entire life gets flip-turned upside down like Will Smith. Take heed, though. We're traveling perilous ground with this episode.  Zack, the most Anglo kid in television history, is given a Native American heritage. This is wrong for so many reasons. (Pretend I'm Criss Angel for this next sentence:) Are you ready?

The episode begins in earnest - with the entire school chanting Zack's name because he just won a race for the track team. Do you remember that Zack was a member of the track team? Of course you don't! Because it was never fucking mentioned before, and I'll be damned if it's ever mentioned again. That lack of continuity is unimportant here, though, because Zack just won a race, you guys. Even Slater is on board. You know when Albert Clifford is chanting your name you've accomplished something. The gang is at The Max and Screech tells Zack that he hasn't seen Zack run that fast since that time he stole Cindy Zepherelli's bathing suit. Kelly gets pissed about it for three seconds then moves on. I guess Lisa is on the track team, too. Because suddenly Lisa's an athlete (so is Jessie). She can't stay for burgers and shakes, though, because she has to research her family tree for a school project. It turns out Lisa is an ancestor of slaves. Shocker! Slater's ancestor was an asshole bull fighter. Jessie is reticent to reveal that her ancestors were slave traders because she has a black friend.

Zack and Screech research Zack's family history later on and discover that Zack has an Indian heritage. They deduce this because Zack found a photograph of an Indian and he vaguely remembers his mom telling him that they had a distant Indian ancestor. That's enough research for Zack, and his presentation is set. The next day, Lisa gives a presentation on her slave ancestors who helped others escape via the Underground Railroad, because even the gang's ancestors were the shit, too. Every single one of these people come from an amazing bloodline that spells success; not one of them had simple, hard-working middle-to-low-class ancestors who worked their asses off to put food on the table. They're all byproducts of historical badasses because of course they are. Jessie zooms through her presentation because her ancestors were slave traders and she feels absolutely horrible about it. She wants Lisa to punish her for the sins of her forefathers but Lisa isn't interested because it's 1990 and her only goal in life is to shop. It's an interesting dichotomy between Lisa and Jessie, as Lisa's past is riddled with pain and suffering (and triumph, too) and Jessie's is one built on the backs of slaves. A show concerned with, well, anything other than Awesome Zack's Awesome Life could capitalize on that, but they don't. Instead it's played for laughs (shitty ones to boot), and Jessie has an existential meltdown because she can't handle that her Rich White Ancestors did things that Rich White Ancestors were known for doing. What a dipshit.

I like her confidence. She's gutsy.

Zack doesn't have notes for his presentation, but if he did, I think they would only say this: "CIGAR STORE INDIAN," because that's basically what his presentation is - a stereotypical rendering of a Native American, filled with Screech's face painted and a toy hatchet (I had the same toy hatchet, guys). That's about it. It's offensive, but don't tell that to the class, because they think it's hilarious. Mrs. Wentworth is, thankfully, offended. Zack tries to explain that the only thing he could find is an old picture, but he neglects to tell her that that's all he looked for. Mrs. Wentworth don't take no shit from no one, though, and she hooks Zack up with an Indian to re-do his presentation.

Zack meets the Indian and is surprised that he's a normal human being who likes baseball. Zack wants to know if the Indian who looks like the Crypt Keeper learned to weave on the reservation because Zack doesn't understand that some Native Americans aren't stereotypical alcoholics or casino owners. Zack is given a stack of books from the Indian Crypt Keeper named Chief Henry (he's a stoner. Although it's never implicitly stated, you can tell that this guy smoked more pot than Johnny Dakota at a Storm Sutherland party) and takes them to Mr. Belding, who wants Zack to just get through with the stupid project so Zack can beat Valley in the track meet because track meets are more important than actual education. Fuck Mr. Belding. Dick tries to buy Zack some time but Mrs. Wentworth don't take no shit from no one, yo, and Dick doesn't comprehend that the teacher wants her student to learn, regardless of the fact that his continuing education might inhibit winning the track meet. At least there's one goddamn individual in the Bayside universe that cares about education. Too bad she's only in, like, three episodes.

"Fasten your drool cups, and ready your vomit bags!
We're going to the movies! Frights, camera, action!"
That's a quote from the Crypt Keeper. I've just
always wanted to use it.  

Meanwhile, at The Max (where else?), Jessie is trying to pay restitution to Lisa for the fact that her ancestors brutalized Lisa's. Lisa finally gives in and figures that having Jessie take her to the mall is payment enough for centuries of brutal torturing and dehumanizing an entire population of people. Progressive. Zack finds out his ancestor is in a history book so he goes back to Indian Crypt Keeper for more information. Chief Henry educates "Running Zack," Chief Henry's name for Zack because Zack runs, duh. Apparently, this is the first that Zack has heard of white people mistreating Native Americans and wonders why they just couldn't coexist peacefully in such a large country. This is shit Zack would know, of course, if he'd paid attention just once in the previous nine years of fucking history classes, but whatever. At least we get to hear Chief Henry say "A-rab" here. That counts for something. Chief Henry made Zack a headband last night because he has Mystical Indian Powers and knew Zack would be back.

This speaks for itself.

The next day, Screech gives his presentation about his Italian heritage with a stereotypical and offensive Italian accent. Mrs. Wentworth doesn't care about stereotyping Italians, just Native Americans, I guess. Zack shows up next and gives virtually the same presentation as earlier, only this time he is the one dressed like an Indian and the production values are higher. He also is proud to know of his past now, and that earns him an A. All is right in the world, and he can go kick Valley's ass, right? WRONG.

Turns out Chief Henry died and it's caused Zack to become a bit of a nihilist. He doesn't understand why Chief Henry would die, so there's no point to anything, up to and including the track meet against Valley. A Native American death just kind of helps with perspective a bit, don't it? Zack no-shows the big pep rally so Kelly goes looking for him at school, because based on what we know of Zack, we know he loves hanging out at school, right? Kelly finds him and Zack informs her that Chief Henry passed away that morning, and I'm not going to lie, I half-expected Kelly to ask who the hell Chief Henry is, because two days ago, Zack didn't give a shit about anyone but himself and he never mentioned Chief Henry to anyone.

That night, Zack is visited by Chief Henry in his dreams. Zack just doesn't know what to do with himself and Chief Henry tells him that the answer is in Zack's hands and makes a few silly one-liners about Nikes and being fitted for wings. It's stupid. Then he disappears back to heaven. Zack wakes up and finds the headband Chief Henry weaved for him in his hands. It's a painful sequence to watch because the acting is so bad and you just know Zack won't give a fuck about Chief Henry in nineteen hours.

Zack Morris invented fist-pumping.
All the more reason to hate him.

The next day at school, Jessie finally gets over her guilt for Lisa. Sadly, everyone is despondent because the world just sucks without Zack Morris's presence and there's no way Bayside can beat Valley without Running Zack around. But, thank Christ, Zack shows up in the nick of time and everyone shits themselves with happiness because the world has meaning again. Zack fires everyone up just by being there and they all run off to the track meet. The episode ends. We don't even get any fucking closure. Did Bayside finally beat Valley in track? Did Zack wear the headband when he ran? Did Lisa actually race? How come we never get to see Kelly or Slater present their family histories? Just how in the world did Chief Henry die? Was he murdered by Brett? So many lingering threads that are never addressed!

This episode is a fine example of a few major gripes I have with the show at twenty-seven: all the interesting shit happens off-screen, and there's too many loose ends. I'd fucking love to see Zack Morris run the mile against other people. I'd adore a scene watching Kelly and Belding and the gang cheering vociferously for Zack as he breaks the landspeed record. I want to see Slater bodyslam someone for outracing him. I want to see what Screech buys at the concession stand. Beyond that, the show is like Lost in that it introduces seemingly important facts and then never picks up on them. I'm twenty-seven years old, and I first saw this episode when I was five. That's twenty-two years ago, and I still don't have the answers I'm looking for. I'll never know for sure if Bayside beat Valley in track, and that hurts.

Do you know what Slater's hiding in his shorts?
NOTHING. You can see his dick.

You could probably make a pretty valid claim that I need to move on beyond the show and let it go, because, hey, it's just a show that was one twenty years ago and I need to grow up. And you'd have a good point there. But you know what? Fuck you. I want to know if Zack won that race. I want to know how Chief Henry died. And, goddammit, I want to know Slater's family history. It's established continuity that he's a Chicano (thanks to the College Years, I know this), and that he has a bull fighter for an ancestor. That's not enough. That doesn't explain why Slater is a world-breaker in sports. That doesn't explain why Slater is one of the best dancers ever. It doesn't explain his African-American jheri curl and The South Will Rise Again Mullet he rocks. I have questions that need to be answered, and these are way more important than knowing Zack's 1/40 Native American.

Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part III

Welcome back, everybody, to Part III in my ongoing emotional exorcism of Saved by the Bell because it ruined my life. You should know how it goes by now. I watch an episode, I make fun of it, I digress a little bit, and everybody laughs along with me because Zack, Kelly, Slater, Screech, Lisa, Jessie, Mr. Belding, and Tori (fucking yuck) are piles of shit and make me regret breathing. If you lack the ability to find the other two articles on the show I've penned thus far, you're an idiot and don't deserve my sympathy, time, or derision. I would include hyperlinks, but this is basic web-knowledge here, people, and if you lack even the simplest ability to scroll down or up the page and click on things, I feel sorry for you and sincerely hope you don't vote in the November election. Hell, if you can't navigate around this site, there's a tremendous chance you can't even read, and the fact that you've made it to the end of this paragraph at all and have made sense of these symbols which I'm typing, then you need to contact NASA or some shit, because you're a miracle.

I'm slowly working my way towards the big memorable episodes of the show, but I'm trying to focus a bit on the less-discussed moments in Bayside history. The reason is two-fold: one - I don't know how much I'll be able to say about Jessie's caffeine addiction that hasn't already been said by millions of people over the years (though I am licking my chops at the idea of deconstructing the Hot Sundae video), and two - the lesser-talked about episodes hide a lot of what makes the characters such shitheads in the first place. And besides, it's more fun for everybody to slowly build to a cathartic climax, right? If I learned anything in high school, it's that people (girls) don't like you if you hit the climax right away without taking your time, hitting the right spots, and properly building up to it. I'm kidding. I didn't have sex in high school. Not for lack of trying, though, am I right? Up top! (Cyber-High-Five!)

Awesome mullet behind Zack here. Also note the
Andrew W.K. cameo (two points if you get the reference)

So, the next episode on the chopping block (metaphor) is "Blind Dates." The episode begins with the song and all that jazz that we know and love. The show starts proper with Zack finishing off his Big Gulp by loudly sucking the straw. The audience thinks this is hysterical because they're idiots. It's not funny. It's fucking rude. Zack breaks the metaphysical fourth wall and tells us that he's just gotten detention - AGAIN! - and he's the only kid on "America's Most Wanted." Congratulations, Zack. You're a fucking asshole and you can't stay out of trouble for seven minutes. You don't deserve to be dating the inexplicably-hot and unfortunately-poor head cheerleader. I can't wait for the episode she dumps your ass for the handsome manager of The Max (not Max, Jeff). He then informs us that detention can't ruin his day because he's Kelly's date for her birthday on Saturday night, which means he's going to feel her up. Fuck this guy. Jessie wants to know if Lisa has a date for the party Saturday night, and Slater wants to know why she has to have a date and Lisa tells him that she doesn't even go to the supermarket without a date. This is funny on several levels, none of them intended. Level A: Lisa never had a boyfriend. Sure, she made out with Eric, Jessie's asshole-just-kidding-he's-just-a-misunderstood-kid-who-moved-from-Brooklyn-and-doesn't-know-how-to-make-friends step-brother (and he disappeared after his two episode stint, never to be seen or heard from again), kinda-sorta hooked up with Zack which almost got Zack punched in his pretty face by Screech, and tried to hook up with some really smart and attractive nerd, but that was it. Lisa had the worst relationship track record of any of the gang, and that includes Screech, because at least he had a recurring girlfriend in Violet Bickerstaff.

Jessie points out that it's the nineties, which I believe every show in the early-nineties was contractually obligated to state, and that women don't have to go to parties with dates anymore. See, once 1990 hit, there was a paradigm shift. If you went to a party as a girl alone up until December 31, 1989, people had the legal right to kill you. But once 1990 hit, hoo-boy, it was a different time, I'm telling you. Jessie's an idiot. Not to be outdone, Slater comments that when a guy goes to a party alone, it's because he wants to but when a girl does, it's because she's a horribly unattractive bitch-face skank (slight paraphrasing). Slater's an asshole. But he's an asshole with a heart, I guess, because it's revealed that Slater's jealous that Zack gets to take Kelly, and Zack is a dickhead about it by pointing right at Slater when he says he has his date as Kelly is on his arm. If I were Slater, I'd belly-to-back suplex the shit out of Zack right into my classic-car-decorated locker and then make time with Kelly in front of the principal's office. Of course, I'm not a jheri curl/mulleted Hispanic all-galaxy athlete like Slater was, so maybe I just lack perspective.

Kids of 2012: That's a mullet (a pristine one)
and a payphone. They were used by people in 1990.

Belding arrives on the scene and approaches everything with a Y-chromosome about his niece, Penny, who is in town visiting. See, Belding wants someone to show her the sights, give her a good time (I'm assuming Belding wants to get her laid), all that stuff. Every guy gets terrified and bolts because I guess the Belding clan is notorious for tricking people into hanging out with their nieces who have HPV or something. Screech shows up because he heard Belding's trying to get his niece inseminated. He tells Belding that he'll date anything, which is a nice moment of absolute honesty in the subterfugian world of Bayside. Screech, by this point (I'm assuming they're sophomores or juniors), knows his role as a dorky sidekick and is willing to stick his pubescent pecker into a cow if that means companionship. One sympathizes.

Mr. Eyebrows

Lisa wants to hook up Jessie with her neighbor for the party, and Jessie is dismayed that her neighbor isn't Kevin Costner. Remember when Kevin Costner was a sex symbol? That's hysterical. Have you seen him lately? He looks like a liver-spotted, pot-bellied ex-union worker who hangs out at the American Legion. And to think, Showgirls Spano wanted to plow him. The times, they have-a changed, eh? Either way, Jessie's desperate - in spite of her claims just minutes ago about the socially-acceptable single woman - and is willing to entertain the notion. But then the bell rings, and it is a school, so class starts. And the teacher is, I don't fucking know, a real gem. I don't even have words to describe this pile of shit. He's a real dick, but then this is a world in which teachers don't educate their students, they just do broad-strokes proclamations about inane shit and detent Zack in an effort to move the plot forward to its illogical conclusion. If I were a teacher in this universe at Bayside, I don't know what the hell I would do with myself. I wouldn't be able to discipline Zack at all because I'm employed by the worst, most ineffectual principal in history and I would be overruled at every turn, so my only real hope would be threatening his sexual livelihood. No wonder teachers don't last at Bayside. Mr. Hudson, the overworked/underpaid/overweight/undertweezed fellow that he is, quickly gives Zack detention for passing notes, and it's one of the few moments in which I feel sorry for Zack at all. He was only passing notes because Jessie was trying to get info about Lisa's neighbor and she couldn't wait forty-five fucking minutes. And when Zack gets punished, Lisa and Jessie don't bat an eye. He's facing suspension because Jessie wants to get her rocks off. Fuck Jessie.

Shitty Production Values: You can see Zack waiting to the
right to enter the "office"

Back in Belding's office, Dick is attempting to convince two real dweebs to take out Penny. They can't, of course, because one is prepping for a chess tournament and the other one is sorting his M&M's by color. They don't deserve to get laid. They both zip out of the office and Zack enters to give Belding the news about his suspension-earning tenth detention. Belding gets erect just seeing the detention slip, and it's creepy how much this asshole principal who lets his students walk all over him gets sexually aroused over the fact that one of those students earns a suspension. Belding, though, in a moment of epiphany, lets Zack off the hook from being suspended if he takes out Penny. Fuck Belding. He's a horrible uncle and an even worse principal. All of this spells doom for Zack as he has to take out Penny on the night of Kelly's party.

I had a sex dream just like this. Don't ask about what
happened with the axe. And, lemme tell ya, that glove smells.

On the other side of the school, Lisa is still trying to convince Jessie to give Brett(her neighbor) a chance. Jessie has a Bayside-daydream in which she imagines she's on a dating show and the contestants are Teddy Krueger, Mason Voorhies, and Donald Chump. You read that right. You know, for being a feminist, an "I don't need a man to define me" type of gal, Jessie's a real fucking stick in the mud. All she wants is a man so she can define herself. I'm disgusted by her inability to be what she claims she is. Jessie is afraid of her best friend setting her up with a serial murderer so she insists on meeting him before she agrees to a date, like it's a big deal. Lisa, for her part, doesn't think it's an earth-shattering suggestion and sets everything up because, in this episode, Lisa is the most normal, unassuming, least-assholish person of them all. She just wants to get her friend laid. Good on you, Lisa Turtle. It doesn't excuse your inability to get or maintain a boyfriend of your own, but it's a start.

Brent the Serial Murderer. Look at his eyes. Those are the
eyes of a stone-cold killer.

The next day at The Max (because the kids don't fucking go anywhere else), Jessie meets Brett. And he looks like a serial killer. I'm not fucking kidding, look at this guy. He doesn't look like a movie serial killer, he looks like a real life serial killer, you know, the unassuming kind who is a sociopath and understands that people will suspect him of murdering people if he walks around with a fucking blood-stained hatchet all the time or something so he overcompensates by getting a dickweed haircut and wears all-the-way-buttoned-up dress shirts underneath busy sweaters because that's what he thinks normal people wear. He looks like a guy who dresses like an approximation of a normal person, and I just fucking know from looking at Brett that he's murdered his mother because she wouldn't let him go to the school dance with his best gal Stephanie in eighth grade and now her body is decomposing in the bathtub upstairs in their house. You're not fooling me, Brett. He tells Jessie that he's not rich or stuck up and that his parents work just to pay his tuition for private school (yeah, right, Brett). Then, in the most obvious giveaway that he's not a regular person, he asks Jessie if her folks work. What a weird fucking question for a normal person to ask someone else, Brent. What if Jessie said no, her parents just live off the welfare? Then what, Brent? Wouldn't a better question be, 'what do your parents do for a living?' At least then you give Jessie the option of softening the blow by saying her parents are in between jobs or whatever right now. But Brett just gives her a yes-or-no answer, and that's  something only a serial killer would do. Jesus, Brett, if you're going to pretend to be normal, you're going to need to do better than that. And then Jessie tells him that her parents are divorced, and Brett, the charmer that he is, reveals that his best friend's parents just got divorced and he's trying to be a good friend by making more time for him. What a serial killer thing to say! Quit bullshitting everyone, Brett, and just kill her. Jessie asks him to Kelly's party and he instantly agrees because he knows he can kill her in the alley afterwards. Jessie finally gets weirded out, not because of the murdering thing, but because Brett is short and Jessie is a materialistic bitch.

Meanwhile, Zack has conspired to set up Penny with Screech (pretending to be Zack) and Slater overhears the whole thing because he's standing on the toilet in the bathroom (I'm assuming because he wanted to overhear someone conspiring about something treacherous and not because he's just a fucking weirdo but I can't be sure). Slater, the heartbroken toilet seat-stander, now has some leverage over Zack the prick. The next day at school, Lisa and Kelly make Jessie feel like a bitch for being a bitch and Jessie has an instant change of heart. It doesn't matter that Brett is short anymore. Jessie will nail him anyway because why not. Slater conspires to get Screech-as-Zack and Penny Belding at Kelly's party at The Max (because where else?) in an effort to paint Zack into a corner. If I know anything about Zack Morris, Slater's going to be real disappointed because nobody stays mad at Zack for longer than nine seconds even if he teams up with Brett to serial kill your sister.

Skinny Pete Alert! Skinny Pete Alert!
He's not a geek here; instead he's decked out in
Bugle Boy's Fall 1990 clothes. Beautiful

At the party, everything is awesome. I mean that. I can't even be cynically upset at this thing. Everyone is fucking dancing like people danced in the early nineties (think a lot of white people snapping their fingers and rigidly swaying their hips from side to side and nodding their heads) and there's red punch to help the dancing fiends hydrate. It's the type of party I would love to attend if people invited me to parties. Screech and Penny show up and Zack is pissed because he's afraid of something that doesn't make sense. Maybe he's afraid that Penny will tell Belding about the switcheroo, even though that doesn't seem to be an immediate threat. Slater thinks that Kelly will find out and leave Zack for him, but that doesn't make sense, either. Slater is a great athlete but he can't think for shit. Brett wants to dance but Jessie is still hung up on the height. Brett dances with Lisa instead and he dances like you would assume a sociopathic serial killer would dance. It's brilliant. Jessie matures in two seconds and Brett forgives her because he's a good serial killer.


Slater's plan goes into action and Penny tells Kelly all about how much she loves Zack (Screech). Penny mentions that Zack (Screech) is so hot he makes her teeth sweat. I tried using that line once and I got hit in the gonads. Penny then reveals that she's taking Zack (Screech) back to Belding's house to FUCK because Belding is gone. Kelly gets so pissed that she calls Penny an un-nice girl. It's adorable. I wish Kelly wasn't dating Zack, because then she'd be awesome. Instead, she's an idiot who is continually made to look like shit by proxy. Kelly finds out Zack's big plan and instantly forgives him, which I actually get here, because Zack risks getting suspended just to keep his date with Kelly. Slater, the dumb shit, didn't really think this one through at all. He inadvertently endeared the asshat to the cute cheerleader. If Slater had just let things take their natural course, Zack would have certainly screwed things up, but instead he made Zack look like a caring, wonderful guy. What a shithead Slater is.

GIVE HIM A FAT LIP, A.C.!

And that's the end of the episode. There's no real resolution and so many lingering questions persist. What happened to Brett? Did he continue his murder spree unabated? Was he finally caught in Oklahoma in 2003 after he adopted a different identity, got married, and killed strippers on the weekends? Did he have a growth spurt? Did Jessie and Brett make time? Did Penny screw Screech-as-Zack? Was it good for her? For him? What about Lisa's date? We never even saw him. I don't even know if he exists. What kind of presents did Kelly get? Why are there no adults at The Max? Is there an age limit? Did Slater lose his temper and just go ballistic on Zack after Kelly kissed him on the cheek? Why is Slater so stupid?

I'll admit, I almost completely forgot about this episode before I chose it on Netflix. I remember Brett because he was a goon, and I remembered Penny, but it was a completely ineffectual episode that didn't resonate with the six year-old version of me. It's one of those weird episodes that doesn't serve any purpose at all for anyone, and while most episodes of the show don't have any continuity ties to other subsequent episodes, this just seems like a waste of time. Zack starts off the episode as an incredibly hateable jerk, but by the end, he's just a sweet boyfriend. Nothing worthwhile there. Slater is proven to be a mentally deficient meathead who stands on fucking toilet seats (that's something I wish subsequent episodes would have picked up on). Kelly does Kelly things. Jessie is a bitch who somehow avoids getting murdered by Brett (it would have made for a better episode if we got to watch Jessie fight for her life as Brett had her tied up in some nondescript room somewhere and he called her 'mother' and talked about 'freeing her from the fleshy shackles of existence'). Screech just wants to get laid. Lisa has a date that doesn't exist. It's a weird episode, and it makes me hate most of the characters a little less. Except for Jessie and Slater. After this episode, I can't fucking stand either of them.

Got an episode you want to discuss? Suggest one!

Theories on Brett? Tell me what happened to him!

Did Penny get pregnant and have to move to Michigan for a year to live with her grandparents and quietly put up the child for adoption to avoid a stir back home? Tell me!

Have something important to add? For God's sake, man, add it!

"Hey, girl, I'ma lick yo feet. Wit ma tongue."