Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part VI

Thanks for coming back. If this is your first time here - welcome, would you like a ginger ale? How about a back rub? Anything to help you feel more comfortable? Are you offended that I'm shirtless? No? Good. Yes, I do shave my chest. It helps with the appearance of more pronounced pectoral muscles. I hope that doesn't make you think I'm a fruit loop.

You all know the deal by now, right? After the triumphant accomplishment of writing five recaps, I've decided it's time to do a two-parter. I'm not doing "Jessie's Evil Step-brother" yet, but it's looming on the horizon. Instead, I want to tackle Zack and Kelly's break up in illustrious fashion. I thought about just doing the second part because I think it's a more profound episode (Zack throws a volleyball against his locker and Lisa turns sixteen), but I realized that if I skipped the episode where Kelly makes out with Jeff, her manager at The Max, then I'd also miss out on recapping the amazing duet that Jessie and Slater belt out at the costume ball. I'm not going to miss that. And instead of doing this all in one long post, I've decided to break it up for you guys, because some of you assholes complain that these are too long to begin with. I'm sorry that you have the attention span of a goldfish, jerkwads. So here's part one of a two parter (even though it's really Part VI; confused yet?). Let's do it.

The episode starts off with Zack being a presumptuous dickhead. He's under the impression that he's going to be the absolute king of the world at the costume ball because he and Kelly are going as Romeo and Juliet, the two most romantic suicidal people in all of fiction. Interestingly enough, Jessie and Slater are going as "history's two greatest lovers," Cleopatra and Mark Antony, which is hysterical because I'm pretty sure Cleopatra had sex with everyone in Egypt. Kelly's anxious about the costume ball because she's poor and doesn't have a job. Lisa tells her they're hiring at The Max, and that's all fine and dandy, but I'm pretty confident that Kelly always worked at The Max. I'm not going to thumb through every fucking episode that preceded this one, but I'm almost one hundred percent positive that she was a waitress there in continuity before this episode was filmed. That's a huge hang-up for me here. They didn't need to give Kelly a reason to work at The Max - she already fucking worked there! It's just lazy and makes no sense, unless of course Kelly is just like Drew Barrymore in Fifty First Dates and she starts her life over from scratch every morning and everyone just pretends like it's normal that she doesn't know she's the hot-but-poor cheerleader/waitress.

Jessie reminds everyone they have band practice after school. They have a band. What can't these people do? Other than attend class and remember what happened a week ago. Kelly fills out an application at The Max and the new manager, Jeff, tells her that the owner wants an experienced server. Isn't the owner Max, the magician? If not, then why the hell is the place named after him? And isn't Max the type of guy who would just give Kelly a job since he's known her forever? Why are you making Kelly jump through hoops, Max? I know they do that at the circus where you probably spend some time doing magic stuff, but this is a restaurant. It's different here. And it's not like anyone goes to The Max for their stellar service. I've never seen anyone in there other than Jeff and Max who has finished puberty. Relax, Max.

Jeff, the man responsible for breaking a generation's heart.

Jeff is a fucking weirdo from the start. He's a transfer student to UCLA and as a big, bad college boy, you'd think he'd be beyond trying to screw his subordinates at a shitty diner. I guess not. He stares at Kelly and he gives her the Brett the Serial Killer eyes a couple times. I've got you figured out, Jeff. Once she gets the job, Kelly turns around and bumps into a waiter. The food on his tray goes everywhere and Jeff giggles a bit to himself while the poor waiter looks like his dog just got hit by a car. Jeff walks away smiling while this poor waiter is stuck explaining to his table that his manager gives absolutely zero fucks about him and is only interested in screwing cheerleaders. I don't know who the waiter is, but I feel bad for him.

Ollie Creekly. His vest makes me
believe in God.

Meanwhile, back at school, the party committee is meeting to discuss the party. In addition to the entire gang minus Kelly, the group is filled out by Ollie, the black nerd with the best voice in history, and some homely fat chick named Margo Mason (don't ask me why I know this. I also know she's Jewish). Ollie is one of my favorite periphery characters in the show. His voice sounds like a robot had sex with a rock. It's really weird. And he has a really bad arch in his back that precludes him from standing up straight. I don't know Ollie's history at all, but it's one I'm curious about. He's an awesome individual and I salute any man who is ballsy enough to make bowties and high-top fades a staple of his fashion.

The school is absolutely broke (I bet they're regretting spraying Evil Oil Baron with oil now, huh?) so they eschew hiring a DJ and the gang's band will play instead. How serendipitous! Even when shit is looking bleak, Zack steps right into a great situation. Now his band gets to play for the entire school, that sonuvabitch. I always wondered how the band came to be. I know Slater can play the drums, and Zack can do everything better than everyone ever, but it seems odd that one day they'd be sitting around somewhere and Screech would say, "Hey, let's start a band," and everyone just picks up instruments and is instantly a fucking prodigy. Do you know how hard it is to play music? It's not easy. It takes time and practice, and I'm jealous that these nimrods can just become an insanely amazing pop band by deciding they want to do it. And how come there aren't any other bands at Bayside? Why is it that the only people who do any goddamn thing at that school is the gang?

This guy HATES mayonnaise, which doesn't make sense.
You'd think this guy would like anything that was white.

Back at The Max, Kelly gives shitty service to neo-Nazis and Jeff tells them to GET LOST! because he's a bad-ass college manager and he ain't afraid of no Hitler Youth, yo. Jeff calls them sleazeballs, too, and that's excellent. Nobody says sleazeball anymore and that's unfortunate. If I didn't think Jeff was scheming to see what color underwear Kelly was wearing, I'd kind of think he was cool. But you just know behind that handsome jawline and nice demeanor, Jeff is sitting in his dorm room at nights carving Kelly's initials into his abdomen while he does chin-ups and listens to The Cure. Zack and Screech show up and Kelly tells them she made five dollars in tips. Holy shit, a lot has changed since 1991. If the clothes and hairstyles didn't instantly date the show, the revelation that five dollars is a great earning for a day of serving snot-nosed neo-Nazis and dweebs certainly would. Five dollars! Holy shit. What did a burger cost back then, twelve cents?

Kelly tells Zack that she can't go to the dance with him because her family is poor and every little bit helps. Zack offers to pay her for the night, which means that he's willing to pay someone to be his date. That's prostitution, Preppy, and that's illegal. The real reason - other than her family being broke - is that Kelly secretly wants to bang Jeff in the cooler at The Max, but she doesn't want to tell anyone that because she's dating Zack Morris, the Coolest Guy Ever. Zack isn't used to rejection, though, so he turns into a whiny bitch and gets all depressed because he doesn't know what it means to not get what he wants. Grow up, Zack. Wait 'till you get to college! Nevermind, Zack did whatever the fuck he wanted to there, too. I give up.

Dream Theater ain't go shit on Zack Attack.

The next day, the gang practices their music and it's so goddamn amazing, you guys, I can't even begin to describe it. Lisa plays bass (she's black. Of course she does), but it looks like she has a nervous tic in her right hand and nothing makes sense. I don't think she even gets close to striking one of the strings. It's so awful and great. The lip-synching is abysmal and I have no doubt in my mind that if Jessie Spano ever sang in real life, it wouldn't sound anything like that. Zack can't focus, though, because he's still pissed about Kelly having a life outside of his gravitational pull, and practice blows chunks because of it. Slater tells Zack to just ask Kelly's boss to let Kelly off for the night of the dance, so Zack does. Jeff allows it, but you just know Jeff is pissed to find out that Zack is dating her. Jeff's face lights up when Zack tells Jeff he's as nice as Kelly says he is. At Kelly's house, Jessie and Lisa tell Kelly she's got the hots for Jeffy, and she claims they're just friends. Yeah, right, Kelly. Friends who do sexy stuff behind Zack's back, am I right? Like smooch and hold hands and stuff.

Holy shit, this sweater.
It has eyes.

Soon after that, Kelly and Jeff close down the restaurant for the evening. I've seen one too many pornographic videos to know where this one's going, you guys. Next stop: Smoochville; population: Jeff and Kelly. Jeff butters Kelly up (not physically though) and the next thing you know, they're playing tonsil hockey (horrible euphemism for making out). Kelly gets scared and bolts. Jeff stares at the ground and he looks like he's up to something mean. Jeff, the college-aged bastard, is driving a wedge between Bayside's very own power couple. You're an asshole, Jeff.

Zack and the gang show up at The Max the next day and Kelly's all uptight about the fact that her boyfriend and sexy college boss she smooched are in the same room. Kelly doesn't let Zack touch her and Zack's pissed because this is like the third time this episode that he's not gotten what he wanted precisely at the moment he wanted it. After Screech refers to Jeff as "that good-looking college guy," Zack realizes something may very well be rotten in Denmark. There's no time for addressing any of this directly, though, because the band's got a gig to play, dude!

Quick cut to the band playing "Make My Day" (I think that's what it's called) and it's even better than the rehearsal. Nobody has a fucking clue what they're doing with their respective instruments, but somehow really amazing music comes out of it. The school loves it. They go apeshit for this stuff. So would I, if I were there. Kelly is distracted because she just wants to be with Jeff and not the handsome, most bestest guitar player ever. This isn't going to end well. Zack and Kelly are selected to be the king and queen of the costume ball, the most arbitrary title ever for people at a school dance. Neither of them can focus on their victory and they go outside to talk. The band has to play another song but Zack's not there. Slater don't give no shits, though, and he decides to duet the shit out of the song with his main squeeze, Jessie. Ollie, that tremendous stud, fills in on the drums. I wanted to know how Ollie knew the song, but he's fucking Ollie. Ollie knows all.

A.C. Slater - the songbird of a generation.

The song they sing is perfect. Slater is a better singer than Zack, and probably more desirable, too. Just look at him. He makes straight guys question themselves. Or maybe it's just me. Everybody needs to watch this. I tried finding it on youtube but I can't. If you have Netflix, I heartily recommend that you fast-forward to 19:30 into the episode and just let the music and visuals take you over completely. If I ever get euthanized, I want this sequence to be played as the death venom flows into my body. Seriously, Slater's facial expressions during this are fucking aces. Tops. Boss. Rad. No adjective used here is hyperbole. My goodness!

Outside, away from the amazing song and performance that defies time and space, Zack and Kelly end their all-too-brief romance. It's surprising that Zack is so understanding and willing to let Kelly walk out of his life and into the arms of the sleazeball Jeff. He handles it like a real adult, someone who recognizes that his relationship with Kelly isn't sustainable because she has feelings for someone else. He even promises to remain friends with her forever, because he's suddenly the most mature guy ever. Even when he's being dumped he finds a way to be smooth. I'd feel bad for Zack if I thought for a moment that he couldn't just walk back into the dance and grab some chick, look into her eyes and say, "The time for talk is over; the time for love is now," and the girl would just undress in front of him and the whole damn school and say, "Attack me, Zack!" and then they would just, you know, do it in front of everyone while A.C. and Jessie soundtrack the entire thing to more Michael Bolton songs.

Regardless, Zack is gutted by this and the episode ends with the precarious "To Be Continued..." The "TBC" thing promises answers in the next episode, and by golly, I aim to get them. I wonder if Zack will continue to be an understanding adult about the break-up or if he'll lose his shit because the only place in the world other than school and his house that he can go to now represents the love-den of Kelly and her asshole college boyfriend. I wonder if the gang will pick sides. But really, why would anybody pick Kelly's side? She cheated on Zack and then didn't even pay attention when his band played music. Based on what I've seen, Zack was probably an asshole boyfriend who minimized everything Kelly did and treated her as little more than a sex object, but does that make it okay to cheat on your high school sweetheart? That's the type of important question that the show raises. It's inspirational and thought-provoking. Just kidding. It's not.

Get ready for Part 2 (I mean Part VII) soon. Sayonara, suckers.

Watching it over and over again doesn't make it hurt less.