Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part VIII

We're hitting the home stretch. I'm running out of time. I'm like Johnny Depp in the movie Nick of Time. My three favorite episodes of the show are "The Wicked Step-Brother" parts one and two and "Jessie's Song." My goal was to get to ten of these entries before I say good-bye for a long while (I might post some other things here and there, but I can't maintain this level of dedication to a 1990's sitcom about high school kids much longer). With that goal clearly in sight, I was just going to get these three episodes done and move on with my life. I think twenty years is long enough to devote to the gang. And once I hit that tenth recap/whatever, I though I'd be able to finally close that chapter of my life. I'll be ready for a new show to take hold. I'm thinking California Dreams or Hang Time (I've always loved Reggie Theus) but I'm not committing myself to anything. There's a chance Brotherly Love might sneak in. I don't know. We'll see.

The problem is, though, that I saw some rather diminishing returns on the eyes on this thing. So this might be the last one I do. It wasn't my intention to end this on a cliffhanger, but thems the breaks, kid. If I knew people enjoyed these, I'd probably feel more guilty about ending it prematurely (just kidding, that's never bothered me before. Just ask my lady friend), but fewer and fewer people have read each subsequent recap that I don't really feel that bad about saying goodbye.

With that in mind, it's best to think of this as the next logical step in our physical relationship with one another.   If the fifth recap was uncomfortable bra-undoing, then this is really close to the big thing. I'm shirtless, and you're staring at my immaculate body. I turn around to turn up the music - I'm thinking early Jodeci is appropriate, no? - and you catch a glimpse of my dragon tattoo. It's fierce, just like my loving. I don't know what you're thinking when you see it, but I can imagine it's a healthy mixture of trepidation and sexual curiosity. Don't worry. Go with it. Who knows what we'll get up to next, love.

So the next episode is "The Wicked Step-Brother Part One." And boy, is it a doozy. I love this episode for so many reasons, and we'll get into that in just a moment. But first, I want everyone reading this to stop and stare at that picture up above. It's the most brilliant promotional shot ever. Look at Screech's face. Imagine what he's thinking. What's he holding? Is it soda? Is it acid? Is it that acne cream that turns your face into a deep marroon? I don't know. But that's what great promos do, they make you wonder just what in the fuck this is all about.

The show opens with Zack trying to come up with an excuse to miss school so he can go to a Dodgers game. The Dodgers play like a hundred games at home every year, and I don't understand why Zack couldn't just get tickets to a weekend or night game, but it's Zack Morris. He doesn't think things through. He thinks of using his dead grandmother as an excuse, but he used that four times last year and Belding might see right through that one. Zack's got his work cut out for him.

"Wanna touch my baseball bat?"

Jessie's mom just married some fellow from New York and I guess that he decides to move out to LA and he brings his son with him. Everyone is super curious about what he's like, and Kelly and Lisa even bake him cookies to make him feel welcome. When Eric gets there, he gives absolutely zero fucks for the cookies. But he's got a pretty nasty case of jungle fever and Lisa Turtle is the muthafuckin' cure, yo. Problem is, he disgusts Lisa to her very core. I doubt this will have any impact on future proceedings.

Eric is a real dick-wagon right from the start. He reveals that he locked all the terminals on the plane out to LA - I don't know how the hell that's even possible - so you know he's into starting trouble. He is the epitome of a New Yorker - he talks a lot and is very mean. And all he really wants is to deflower Lisa on the beach and take Jessie's room as his own. It's like he has some medieval notion of existence - in order to flourish and take control of this new land he's found himself in, he has to bed an exotic local (the black chick) and sacrifice a family member (usurping his sister's power and claiming her room as his own). Eric's a twisted sonamabitch, and I like him.

Eric's first day of school starts off nicely. He pisses everyone off in record time. He somehow procured Jessie's diary and offers to sell the pages to Slater for a cool five bucks per page. Slater really wants to know what Jessie wrote about him after prom (not enough to pay, but enough to be overly curious). This tells me an important fact about prom - Slater and Jessie fucked. Hard. Slater was all, "C'mon, Mama, Albert Clifford's got the cure for what ails ya," and Jessie was all, "Don't stop you chauvinist pig," and then when they were done, they sang more Michael Bolton or something. It's never implicitly stated, but we can read between the lines, can't we? Isn't that the ultimate goal of everyone in high school (except for the weirdos)? To fall in love (or something) and lose your virginity on prom night to your main squeeze? Girls want it to happen because it's symbolic of romance at its core - something that shows the love and dedication you share with your special someone. You dress up and spend hundreds of dollars to look like royalty, and you eat expensive food and then you dance and take a shitload of stupid pictures with your "homies" and then you end the night at someone's parent's house (who are stupid for going out of town the weekend of their son's prom), and your boyfriend takes off your really expensive dress and you make sad, pathetic sex for three minutes. Then it's over and you realize sex isn't romantic or even all that good (and it won't be until your third semester of college and you make a few drunken mistakes before settling down with some guy who's roommate in the dorms eats a lot of pizza and stashes the boxes under his bed, and then break up with him and start dating someone who has his own apartment off campus and he knows what he's doing and you don't have to have awkward sex on a loft, which has to be dangerous, because you constantly run the risk of hitting your head on the ceiling). Dudes want it to happen because it's the final step towards manhood, the culmination of everything from making the dork eat worms on the playground to discovering your dad's porno stash. That's what Sex At Prom is, right? The ideal? At least that's what Hollywood movies have told me for my entire life. Except, of course, Disney's Prom, but that doesn't count. There's no hidden boners or sex messages in that movie at all, so it doesn't even qualify as a Disney movie.

That's a lot of denim. Also, why is everything tucked in?

Meanwhile, back at Bayside.

Zack doesn't get along with Eric, but he decides to be nice because he's Jessie's sister. He informs him that they have class together, and once they're inside, Eric comes awfully close to forcing sex on Lisa. The teacher, Mr. Testaverde, reveals that it's the Jewish new year, and Zack decides to pretend he's a Jew so he can go watch baseball. What an asshole.

Eric has Screech record the baseball game, and they get together to watch it in Jessie/Eric's room. Jessie walks in, fresh out of the shower, and wants to get dressed. Eric says it's okay, they're family. Add incestuous tendencies to Eric's growing list of sexual perversions. Jessie leaves, in a tiss. Eric sees Zack catch a fly ball at the game and keeps the tape to blackmail him later on. He's a sneaky fuck. Eric uses the tape to steal Zack's locker, because I guess locker location is fucking important. I spent, like, three seconds every day at my locker in high school. If someone wanted to blackmail me for my locker, I'd tell him to get fucked, let him take it, and then laugh at the entire situation because it's a fucking locker, and nobody gives a shit about lockers. Of course, there's a tremendous chance that Zack Morris has a special locker because he's Zack Morris, and it's not really a locker at all, it's the teacher's lounge and he sips cognac there in between classes and sexes up high-priced call girls.

Seriously, those jeans.

Jessie has Slater over for the evening to "study." I say "study" because I really mean "sex." I thought you'd want to know that. Eric finally makes Jessie's room his own, adding that to his growing list of real estate acquisitions. Eric accomplishes this by recording the sex sounds of Jessie and Slater. The next day at school, Slater threatens to beat up Eric, so Eric gives him the tape. Slater steps on it immediately, and then he's reminded that tapes can be copied. Oh, shit. Slater will receive the tapes if he lets Eric use his car. Eric, that New York bastard, has got the entire school by the balls. And he's twisting them.

Belding shows up and wants to show Zack and Slater what he bought Mrs. B. for her birthday. The guys don't want to go, but Belding insists. It's not like they have class to attend or anything, right, Mr. Principal? What a turd. The gift is an expensive-looking red convertible. Belding wants Slater to install a compact disc player in the automobile, and he reassures Slater that he'll be out of town all weekend, so Slater will have access to the car throughout with absolutely zero supervision. What fucking principal gives the keys to his brand-new car to a student? How ridiculous is that? Even Zack has to "time out" in order to process the stupidity. Maybe I could understand Belding hiring Slater to install a CD player in a car (Slater is a macho dude, after all, and he looks like the type of guy who knows what he's doing in a car), but why wouldn't he clandestinely call A.C. to his office and keep it hush-hush, at least from Zack? Giving Zack information about your absence and access to your car keys is just asking for trouble, isn't it? It's like telling a mugger that you'll be walking down a dark alley with no exit at three in the morning by yourself and not expecting him to mug you. Screw Richard Belding. He's horrible.

Zack, of course, realizes that with access to Belding's new convertible, he can get up to all sorts of malarkey. So he puts his plan into action - he bribes Lisa with MC Hammer tickets (the second MC Hammer reference in as many episodes for me. Do with that information what you will) to go on a date with Eric. Lisa doesn't readily want to prostitute herself, but after Zack explains that Eric is blackmailing him, she agrees. This doesn't make any sense, because Zack doesn't elaborate on his ruse at all - he doesn't tell her that he plans on getting Eric back somehow. Instead, he just tells her to go out with him because he's blackmailing him. That doesn't make sense. I've got a headache.

Zack, breaking the fourth wall.
Also - those jeans. My god.

So Zack's plan goes into action - he lends Eric the new convertible to take Lisa on a date, and when they show back up at school with the car, Zack plans on taking a picture of Eric behind the wheel, thus having the tools to blackmail the blackmailer. Nothing is ever that simple, though. It turns out Eric is actually a swell guy and Lisa is ready to sex him. He charms her by taking her to Casablanca and chats her up all sweet-like at The Max afterwards. Lisa feels a little bit guilty for taking advantage of Eric now. I guess because he likes classic movies all of his past sins are immediately forgiven. Try that defense out in court, see what happens.

Eric lets Lisa drive the fancy car in the parking lot and when Zack sees the headlights, he yells at Screech to take a picture. Screech obeys like a good puppy, but the flash from the camera - the most blinding, powerful flash in photographic history, mind you - causes Lisa to crash the car. Women. Driving. Am I right? Heh. Then the episode ends, with the precarious "To Be Continued..." flashing across the screen. I wonder if Zack will find a way to get out of this one, you guys.

We all know he'll get out of it, of course. I'd love to find my way to the second part of this, but I don't know if I'll have the time. Fill in the blanks on your own. Watch the episode if you want. Whatever. Listen, I'm pretty much done with this, and I'm not going to lie - I'm basically phoning it in at this point. I usually try to say something witty at the end, but I don't have the energy. I have to be up at, like, six tomorrow morning, and that's scary. So I hope if you've found this entertaining you find a way to entertain yourself for a while. I'll  be back, eventually. And if you're seriously dying to see me end this the right way, then let me know. Remember at part five, when I talked about how I never stick with anything? Jokes on you, fuckers. It's true. I was all invested in this, and now I don't care much about it at all anymore. Life has a way of catching up with you. Maybe a healthy break is all I need to come back energized. I don't know.