Saved by the Bell Ruined My Life Part VII

I decided to change the title picture because I think people maybe see the same picture plastered all over my stupid Facebook all the time and they don't bother to read my words and they just assume that I'm posting the same thing over and over and over and over again because they're assholes and don't read things, they just scroll down their pages and click "like" whenever they see another new e-card that has an old time-y looking picture of a woman with some inane statement accompanying it, or they look to the side of their Facebook page and just randomly click "like" to pictures over there, and the next thing you know, they're fans of pages like "Marijuana" and "Life Makes Me Want to Cry Sometimes" and shit like that, or they don't bother to see what's going on in anyone else's life, they're too busy playing sending me fucking Farmville requests. So that's the reason for the slight change. I'm trying to become an internet sensation here.

When I last left you, Kelly and Zack had just parted ways and Jessie and Slater were singing the shit out of a Michael Bolton song whilst dressed as Romans. It was a hard time for everyone involved, and I hope you all found time to properly work through the break up. I know I did. I cried myself to sleep last night while I listened to "Friends Forever" on repeat. My tears tasted like shame. It's a good thing that wasn't the final episode, because I might have died from heartbreak. So, let's see where the next episode takes us as Kelly and Jeff take their relationship to the next level (over-the-bra-cupping), Zack deals with rejection, Lisa turns sixteen, and Screech hooks up his hot blonde cousin with Mr. Morris.

This chick is going to feel like hell in two years
when Cobain offs himself.

I love the opening to this episode. Zack walks to his locker and everyone looks at him with sympathy. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Some frumpy grunge (by SbtB standards, anyway) chick (sarcastically?) puts a comforting hand on Zack's shoulder, gives him a knowing "Things'll get better, kiddo" look, and shakes her head at him. Then, a black guy does the same. I should be pissed that even Zack's break up means that he gets ridiculous amounts of attention, but I'm not. I'm just thrilled he knows what it's like to feel mortal. Humble pie is a disgusting dish, Zack, but it's good for you. Eat up. Eat it all the fuck up, jerkwad.

Slater asks Zack how he is and Zack does that junior high thing when you pretend like you don't know what anyone's talking about even though you know they're all talking about how you just got dumped. It's just a step above "pretending that you dumped your girlfriend even though she really dumped you and you're trying to convince everyone you actually dumped her in a pathetic attempt to save face" on the Loser's Scale of Pathetic Rejection. I always owned up to being dumped myself, because I figured I might be able to get some sympathy booty from some confused coed. It never worked, but I slept better knowing that I wasn't puffing my chest out in front of everyone and crying like a little baby at night while I held my One and Only's 8X10 clutched tightly to my chest. And I only ever had, like, four girlfriends, and I broke up with one of them by inexplicably cutting off all communication with her (technically, we might still be dating), and purposely sabotaged another relationship by making her dump me so I wouldn't feel bad about dumping the girl who didn't have any friends. Hey, I'm not proud of myself, but at least I'm being honest here. I learned from the best, after all (my big brother and Zack Morris).

Lisa doesn't give a shit about Zack's plight, though, because she's about to turn sixteen and that's all that really matters. Lisa gives Kelly an invitation before class and Kelly says she can't wait for everyone to meet Jeff. Slater and Jessie overhear the conversation and they can't believe Kelly doesn't give any shits for what she did to Zack, and now she wants them to hang out with that "fratboy babe-stealer" (I'm using this in general conversation from now on, FYI). When they talk to her, they pretend like everything is fine because they lack the emotional maturity to tell anyone the truth under any circumstances. The deaf teacher wants Zack and Kelly to recite a love poem because they're Bayside's power couple. I guess she didn't get the memo. Zack survives the ordeal, but just barely. Screech, the poor bastard, has to leave the room because it hurts him so bad to watch it all.

Jeff and the "Penis in the Popcorn" trick that never works.
Bonus points for attempting it in a XXL sweatshirt.

In a moment of real sincerity, Slater and Screech take Zack to the movies to cheer him up. Slater overacts a bit by laughing hysterically at Zack's past pranks on Belding, but I've got to hand it to him - he's a good friend here. The movie theater they are at is the only one in the world that doesn't play twenty minutes of previews before the main feature. I'm jealous. Kelly and Jeff just so happen to show up to the same movie and Screech and Slater try to ensure Zack doesn't see the popcorn, Pepsi, and pregnancy game Jeff's playing with Kelly.

It doesn't matter, though, because once the CAR SCREECH!!!TWO SILENCED GUNSHOTS AND LADY SCREAMS!!!! sequence (we'll hear it at least nine more before the episode is over) happens, Kelly screams and takes refuge in Jeff's oversize UCLA sweatshirt. Zack recognizes Kelly's screams because he used to make her howl (sexually!) and he turns around, sees the couple doing movie theater sexy stuff, and bolts. Slater and Screech are through being good friends for the day and stick around to watch the rest of the movie. What dicks.

The next day at school, Lisa is being a real bitch. She's mad at her dad because he won't get MC Hammer to play at her birthday party. I'm kind of mad at Dr. Turtle myself, because I would kill for MC Hammer to show up at Lisa's party, have him go "STOP! HAMMER TIME!" and then climb on top of Jeff and start mercilessly beating the UCLA-loving shit out of him until Kelly pulls him off and pleads, "Please, Hammer, don't hurt him!" That would make my life. Zack shows up and tells Lisa he can't make it to her party because Kelly and Jeff will be there. Once everyone is informed that Kelly and Jeff were basically sexing during the movie, they turn on Kelly and do everything short of spraypainting a red "S" for Slut on her back. To be fair to Kelly and her forty year-old college boyfriend, they were only cuddling. Standard movie theater etiquette is as follows: "So long as there ain't no liquids left behind, s'okay by us - Management."

Ehrmagerd! Perpcern!

Everyone wants Zack to go out and screw his way through the rest of Bayside. After a moment's hesitation, Zack gets down with the plan and we get a mini montage of Zack going on dates with social rejects. One won't shut the fuck up. One won't stop eating anything that can be placed in or around her gullet. The third - and thankfully, final - date of Zack's is Screech's cousin, Kimberly, is a smokin' hot blonde that actually seems normal. It's a brilliant inversion, because you think that anyone who shares Screech's genetics would be a curly-haired physical disaster, too. But she's not. She's a fox. And based on how she responds to Zack at the movie, she's loose as all hell, too. Good one, Preppy!

After the movie, Zack takes Kimberly to The Max (duh!) for a burger and some pre-sex calories. Before they arrive, though, Kelly refuses to serve the rest of the gang. Jeff wants Kelly to smooth the whole thing over with them, and he seems like a sympathetic character. But you know that he's just thinking to himself, "Christ, I just wanted some high school strange, and now I've been sucked into this weird alternate universe where I have to deal with my peppy brunette girlfriend and her group of friends that includes a muscle-bound Latino, a sass-talkin' black chick, a seven foot-tall environmentalist/feminist, and an inbred geek who wears rainbow suspenders. I should have thought this through."

"Excuse me, Kelly, can't you see I'm in the middle
of pants-moistening?

Zack and Kimberly show up and Zack makes Kelly jealous by showing off his hot blonde date. Kelly, like she has a reason to be jealous, is saddened that Zack has decided to move on and plow a girl with a different hair color and multi-colored dress. Maybe, Kapowski, you should have thought about that before you started to get googly eyes for Jeffy! I can't hold this against Zack; he just had his heart broken and he's moving on. Maybe he's digging it in a little bit and it makes Kelly uncomfortable, but so what? She excused herself from Zack's life when she decided to date the old guy who manages a shitty diner. Kimberly's existence makes sense when Screech reveals she was adopted. Zack and Kimberly order a milk shake (with two straws) and then they dance. But it ain't to no ordinary song, folks. It's to Zack and Kelly's song, mothafuckin' A-12 on the jukebox, son. That's some coldblooded shit right there, Preppy. The gang instantly changes sides and loves Kelly and hates Zack now. How quick the tables turn, Morris.

Apparently, in the Bayside Universe, if you get cheated on by your main squeeze, you can't ever dance to your old song with another woman without losing all your friends. Let me lay this out for you all at home: Zack Morris, the coolest cat on the whole block, was dating Kelly Kapowski, the uber-cute-but-poor head cheerleader. Zack treated her good. Never even hit her or nothin'. Then, one day, Kelly Kapowski cheats on him with her boss (fucking ew, amirite?) and dumps him. She moves on in record time. Then Zack, after being prodded by his best friends to move the heck on, meets a smokin' hot blonde babe and flaunts her in front of his ex. This makes Zack the high school equivalent to Hitler how exactly? I've spent a good six entries ripping Zack Morris to shreds here, but I'm officially changing sides. He was broken by Kelly. If Zack was Batman, then Kelly is like Bane on this one - she broke him, but good. And so he tries to build himself anew, and he loses all his friends because of it? For the record, Kelly fucking CHEATED on Zack behind his back. Zack just danced with another girl in front of her. How is that worse? HOW?!?!

"Take back your jacket, your sweater, your lucky
pom-poms, and your STUPID volleyball!"

Everyone apologizes to Kelly and they're all besties again. The gang gets pissed at Zack for being pissed at Kelly because they're all fucking idiots and can't rationalize anything beyond "Zack did a mean thing more recently than Kelly. We hate Zack now." Lisa snaps her fingers and gets urban for a minute. Then they all tell Zack that he hurt Kelly on purpose by showing up with his date at The Max, and that "really stinks." But they all quickly forget that Kelly purposely hurt Zack, too. And worse. She knew what she was doing when she let Jeff's tongue inside her mouth. She wasn't drugged. She did it all and nobody holds it against her. I'm sick. Slater even jumps on, simply shrugging at Zack, essentially saying, "Tough shit, Preppy." Zack gets pushed into a wall, so he gets defensive (understandably) and says he'll only go to Lisa's party if Kelly The Super Bitch ain't there with her septuagenarian boy toy. The gang walks away and Zack throws a hissyfit directed towards his locker/Kelly shrine.

Screech shows up at Lisa's party and she asks if Zack is coming. Screech says no and Lisa wants to know if he at least sent a present. What a bitch. Lisa Turtle would be a goddess on MTV today, a self-entitled brat who doesn't do anything except demand, demand, demand, and then she gets everything she wants because of course she does. I can't stand her. She's a horrible friend. Screech's present ate Zack's present, and you never get to see what creature Screech got Lisa, but I'm guessing mogwai. That would be the best present ever. So long as you don't feed it after midnight. In any event, Lisa kills the creature because it moves in the box.

Jeff and Kelly show up, and it's a damn good thing, too, because without Jeff, there would be no adult supervision at the party. At least now I can rest comfortably knowing that the kids won't get drunk and drive into a telephone poll, or break an Elvis bust because Jeff is there. Jeff tells Slater he used to wrestle and Slater instantly forgets that Jeff stole his best friend's girlfriend and wants to be buddies with Jeff. That's all it takes to earn Slater's friendship - tell him you're good at something he is also good at. Fuck Slater.

This "chick's" voice is deeper than the ocean, dude.

Zack shows up for the birthday song and apologizes to Kelly for being a jerk, even though he wasn't really being a jerk, he was just being a kid who was digesting his first break up. Zack tells Jeff he better take care of Kelly and Jeff says, "Yeah, sure, I'm just trying to get laid here, dude" or something like that. Zack breaks the fourth wall (I love it when he does that) and says he doesn't know if he'll ever get over his first love. Then a transvestite asks him if he believes in love and first sight and he's ready to bone again. I'm serious, that person is a transvestite. Her voice is so deep, man. It's so deep that Vin Diesel heard her say something and he was like, "Damn, that's a deep voice." So the episode ends with Zack on the cusp of having sex with someone who looks like she could crush Rocky IV-era Dolph Lundren's hand when shaking it. Awesome.

And that brings us to the end of another fine entry into my ongoing hateapalooza. It's been fun so far. I figure I've only got time for about three or four more of these before I start school, so if there's an episode you'e absolutely dying for me to get to, I suggest you speak up now, or forever hold your motherlovin' peace. I'm serious. It's time to put up or shut up. So put up, man! I know there's something you want me to address, and this is literally the best chance you will ever have. I'm moving on soon, and darlin', I ain't takin' you with me. I'm leaving on a jet plane. I'm going to the great wide open. I'm doing something by going somewhere with someone. I'm being intentionally vague for a reason.

And because I didn't have space for this picture elsewhere, I'm just posting it here. Do you want an explanation for why I included it? Look at the picture. It says more than I ever could.

Sex appeal, thy name is Morris.